[Frustrated]

Pierre's step mom is leaving his dad. His family is saying he gets to choose where he goes now, but he said he doesn't really. In the end his dad will choose for him, and that most likely means going back to Haiti and staying there for the rest of his life. It sucks, and I'm pissed, and I want to cry, but at the same time, I'm glad because now I don't have to worry about ending things, and it's not all on me. That makes me sound like a terrible person, but it's how I feel. It also means maybe I can have a second chance with Brad sooner than later. But I still have to talk to Brad about things. I need to tell him everything:

• I can't stop thinking about him
• I miss him
• I like him more than I like Pierre
• I analyze everything he does around me
• I want so much to be able to read him, and I think I'm starting to

Why must life be so frustrating? Ashley and I wrote another song yesterday, funny enough, about Brad. Go figure right? I want things to work out. I really think they can if we try and give it a little time. I don't want things to be weird. I don't want him to be afraid of getting attached. I want things to go well, and I want to be with him. I need to talk to him and get closure at least. Maybe we can't ever try things again, but closure would be nice if we can't. The feeling of 'what if' will probably always be there, but at least I can try to put that feeling to rest with a bit of closure, perhaps him telling me the real reason he broke up with me the first time. I just need to get him alone. Next bonfire at his house or mine, we're going for a walk and we're talking. As long as Pierre's not there. That would be bad. As long as Pierre's not there, I'm talking to Brad. That's final.

[confused]

from september 11 to september 15 i was with brad, my friend of 10 years. after he broke up with me, we went through 2 weeks of bullshit because he had alot going on and didnt know how to deal. since then, we've been back to the way things were and its been great.

since october 18, ive been with pierre. things were going really well. until last weekend. all my thoughts about brad came back. i still like pierre, and im happy with him, but im thinking alot about brad. i keep remembering that first night we were together when he snuck into my room at 11 through my window and stayed for an hour. he actually brought it up last night at the football game before pierre got there.

"I remember sneaking through your window at 11 at night and your parents never knew. that was awesome." -Brad

"Yea, but all you did was just sit there staring at me!" -Me

"Well what was I supposed to do!" -Brad (i could have said something back to that but i didnt)

"And then 5 days later you broke up with her!" -Ashley

"Yea...sorry about that. I'm really sorry." -Brad

the fact that he brought that up amazed me. i wish so much sometimes that i could be with him. but at the same time, im happy with pierre and i dont want to ruin that. but i know me and pierre wont last. i dont have feelings for him the way i feel for brad.

{Life can never be easy}

[forgotten]

ryans in stafford this weekend for the first time in over a month. ashleys been texting him, and i guess hes with his grandmother. apparently, his grandmother texted ashley from his phone inviting him to his birthday party on october second. im feeling so fucking left out today, so fucking alone, i wanna scream, and cry at the same time. all day ive been feeling like im just not good enough for guys in general. like ill never be what they want me to be, what they're looking for. and that just made it so much worse. ryan didnt even tell me he was having a party. im just not good enough and i never will be. im a pathetic loser who drives people away because im so different. im not what guys like, and i never will be. i love myself, and i refuse to change, but i hate what ive done, and wish i actually meant something.

[for something new]

brad had a bonfire last night. i was late, because mom had us go shopping, but god am i glad i went. his cousin brought him a girl to try to get them together. i heard brad really clicked with her right away, but it was a lost cause quickly. brad doesn't try. but john did. he stole the girl right out from under brad. david told me the code. you lose the girl you live on, you get the girl you live on. i guess in a way i gained a lot of respect for david tonight, but never enough to counteract what he did to jess that summer. but anyway, brad was really upset about the situation, and it didn't help that john kept sitting on the girls lap. they were all over each other, and me and ashley nearly hit them, but we can't blame them, they didn't know the plan. because brad was so upset about it, i got really upset. my friends emotions really affect me. i guess it kinda led him to think about his uncle too, or at least thats what he said. i felt horrible. he actually had tears in his eyes at one point. id never seen brad so emotional. but i know better than to get involved. brad took off for a walk when he started getting really bad. john kept trying to go, i figure because he knew part of what was going on. i had never really met john till tonight, but when he was about to follow brad, i just said "no, john, stay here. just stay. leave him alone." he gave me this worried look, and i just shook my head and turned back to ashley. brad needed that time alone. while he was gone, me and ashley went over to talk to david, his closest friend there, because ryan's out camping this weekend. apparently, that girl is "brad's type" according to david, but me and ashley still disagree. ashley had to go call her mom, so i stood there with david, not saying anything. he turned to me and said that me and brad really would be good together, and i cant deny it. i can say that it would be bad in ways because we're so close, and i don't want to lose that, but i cant say that the whole idea is a bad thing, because it really would be a good thing. i wasn't going to lie about it at that point. everyone except for ryan had been supporting this, and even tho i will never trust david, and i don't think ill ever really like him as a person, i felt like i needed to tell him the truth. i told him that i had been thinking about it. i told him that i agreed in ways me and brad would be a good thing, but i also said that i was afraid of screwing everything up, and that not everything would be such a great idea. he said he understood that, he understands that we're like siblings, and we're so close, and i stopped him there. i told him that me and brad really aren't that close. i couldn't go on to explain, because at that moment, brad came back. he was a bit better for the rest of the night, but you could tell he was still bothered.

so, after me and ashley left, we were back at my house. we'd been there for about an hour, about to go to sleep because it was 12:30 and we were tired as hell, but i got a text from brad: "Hey so i heard you like the idea of "us"" story short, ashley freaked, i freaked. we talked about it, i told him everything that had been going through my head for the past few weeks, what i was afraid of, how id been feeling, and he said he felt the same way, granted, his feelings for me are way stronger than mine for him, but it was an amazing conversation. we decided that we are trying this, whatever 'this' is. we're taking it slow to see how it goes, and we're gonna keep it quite till the trial period is over i guess. me and brad i guess are together now in a sense, but really dont know what to call us. i told ashley we're just dating i guess, because i don't think its official yet. it feels weird to think about brad as a boyfriend. like, really weird. its been a year since anthony, so its weird to think of me having a boyfriend again at all at this point. me and brad talked till 3:30 this morning. at one point, he said he he was bored, and he just wanted to chill. i asked him if chilling included walking to my house. he said he would. i told him not to. all the guys were still at his house after the fire because they were camping out back. i told him i didn't want him leaving my friends for me. he said that he would, and that they wouldn't care, but i told him that i did, i would feel bad, and didn't want him to do it. so he said he'd walk to my house tonight instead. so, i guess, he's coming by tonight after everyone is asleep. dons out of town till tuesday, so i don't have to worry about him. kelsey is on the other side of the house, and mom is usually out by 11 or 12. he's coming through the window tho. i had to unscrew the screen from my window because it was literally screwed into the window frame, but thats all set now, the screen is out. ill have to clean up my room today too. god, i'm actually nervous for tonight. i didn't think i had any feelings for brad, i honestly didn't. maybe i do now just because of what happened last night, which means they're false feelings, but if that were the case, would i really have had that reaction from last night? i was seriously shaking. after a while my heart caught up to me. but i really have no idea right now. i'm happy with what i don't yet know, everything seems to be going well for me lately. i really hope things last.

[junior year]

so far, the year is off to a great start. i got a 98/100 on my first physics lab. ap english isnt totally horrible. im understanding pre-calc. brads in my history class. ive been reconnected with ashley. my foot is nearly healed i think. im nearly over ryan, and im hooked on nik. im getting my hair cut after my second surgery in the spring. so much is gonna change this year, its crazy. mentally, im gonna grow up a bit. physically, my feet will be fixed, im gonna try to change my image a bit, and work on my figure, cause im still not happy with myself. thats not to say i think im fat, or ugly, but i do have some more weight to lose, and i do want some more muscle on me. ill have to rebuilt my lets after both surgeries, but ill manage.

i want this year to be the best academically, socially, and musically, if its possible for me to balance everything. but so far, i think im doing pretty well. im properly prioritized for the time being, altho im still procrastinating. ive already done 5 hours of homework in one night, and it hasnt even been 2 full weeks of school yet. i just have a really positive feeling about this year. the only thing that could possibly bring me down right now is finding out i can go to regionals and all states, because right now thats a possibility. however, cys starts this sunday, and victoria will be there, woohoo! brads having a bonfire saturday night and ashleys sleeping over after, and im going shopping for new cloths friday night.

how long can i go without screwing things up?

[Anthony]

my ex. my friend. the only one whos ever really completely gotten me. hes moving. right when i think we can be friends again after a year of things being awkward and hard, im finally ready, and he tells me his moving. wonderful timing.

?Chris?

-built

-has a little brother

-soft voice

-works landscaping/construction

-moved to my town and switched to my school for junior year

-connected with he

the few things i know about this chris person from my dreams the past 2 nights. we connected, and blah blah blah. it sounds stupid, it is stupid, but i cant get it out of my head.

[fear]

its eating me alive. my surgery is in 10 days and its scaring the crap out of me. this summer is going by so quickly. i only have 2 years left here, 2 years left of high school. 1 more year of ryan for sure. im so afraid of losing him. im so afraid of losing everything i gained this year. but this surgery comes first. its closest. the surgery itself is scary, but the part that scares me the most is being put under. being knocked out and not having control. ive always been in control of what my body does. always. this is uncharted territory for me, and im not liking it. ryan says to get over it because i have nothing to worry about, and no reason to be afraid because i havent been through it before whereas he has. but hes not afraid of much. i dont know why im so scared, but hes been going in and out of hospital situations since he was a baby. i havent. its a fear of the unknown, and my mom says its totally natural and he doesnt know what hes talking about. that makes me feel better, but it means i cant talk to him about it. he understands my fear of the actual surgery, but the drugging part, he says im being stupid about. he was the one who could understand, and talk me through it, but not if hes gonna be a hard ass about it. oh well. ill survive. i know i will, so ill just have to hang on to that thought. as long as theres no catheter involved, ill be ok. i think.

[family]

ryan said im his family today. we had our talk. it really really short, because i couldnt talk. it wasnt cause i was nervous, i just couldnt think of everything that i had before. i feel like i ruined it. but i got plenty of hugs out of it. hot and sweaty hugs, but hugs. i was leaning on him after when me him and brad were hanging out. probably looked really bad, and brad probably knows i like him, but i dont care. hes like my brother, even if i do like him. and so is brad. i would have leaned on brad if he was were ryan was.

[wrong]

ive been talking to ryan since i got home from work. and its like old times again. for real. its been great. we've had fun, or atleast i hope he has. i got a smiley from him, and i made him laugh, both are really good signs. then he brought up the idea of having a fire at his house and camping out in the back yard. i thought he meant just because his dad will let him. turns out, he wants to do it for me. he feels bad he couldnt spend the night in june, and he wants to make it up to me. and because we still havent done the kill bill thing. and because he wants to do something for me before my surgery. either he cares so much because he still likes me, or because he just cares that much. but either way, i like the way things are right now. hes asking if he can help with my problems. i dont know whats come over him, but im not gonna question it. we're in a good place, and i wanna keep things there. i feel bad for thinking the way i did about him earlier this summer. he really can sympathize. we're doing really well and im really happy.

[Eddie]

Cira had a dream last night. about eddie. and me. apparently, we were standing in front of the garage door at S.W.A.T. and i guess we had our arms around each other? she says we were "all into each other" whatever that means. in all honesty, it kinda gives me hope, even tho it means absolutely nothing. me and eddie talked alot today at work. i really do like him, even tho i hardly know him at all. i kinda wish he would ask me out. but whatever. i wont see him again till next summer anyway, and thats only if he doesnt get a new job.

[depression]

i was in a depression all day. all i could think about was my friends, alot about ryan, alot about anthony. i had a weak moment. i really want a boyfriend, but as far as i can tell, theres no one out there for me right now. i feel like ryan wasnt the good friend i thought he was, that nor is amanda. i really dont know. but my head sucks right now. it sucks so much, i was so desperate today, i asked anthony to hang out after snake room tomorrow. in all honesty, im happy i asked him. he was the only one who ever really understood me, and i want that connection back, despite what anyone says or thinks. ill be friends with whoever i want to be friends with. im gonna start this new thing. im not gonna talk about my problems to people. im not gonna feel sorry for myself. taking life as it comes. not sure how well this will work, or how long i can manage, or if its even possible, but im gonna try.

[go figure]

im not over ryan. im far better than i was, but my stomach still sinks when i think about him graduating and not having him around at all. i definitely have attachment issues. im so scared that we'll drift apart, that ill lose him. and i very well might at the rate we're going.

my mind is a silent mess right now, and i plan to keep it that way. no more thinking. im confused, and aggravated, and it sucks. no more thinking.

i lo like nik tho, and that has been my crutch lately. that and chris. im talking to him everyday all day and it helps to know that someone cares.

[go figure]

im not over ryan. im far better than i was, but my stomach still sinks when i think about him graduating and not having him around at all. i definitely have attachment issues. im so scared that we'll drift apart, that ill lose him. and i very well might at the rate we're going.

my mind is a silent mess right now, and i plan to keep it that way. no more thinking. im confused, and aggravated, and it sucks. no more thinking.

i lo like nik tho, and that has been my crutch lately. that and chris. im talking to him everyday all day and it helps to know that someone cares.

[nik]

nik texted me tonight, out of complete random. granted, it was to mess with me, but still. i really do still like him, but when we dont talk for a while i kinda forget. i would still feel weird if i talked to him as much as i talk to the other guys tho, just because of his girlfriend. we could definitely be close if i wanted to be, and maybe i will with whats going on with me and ryan right now. nik was always cooler about things tho too, hes better boyfriend material. i have my new focus/distraction i guess, but atleast it will work out a bit better this time. and hey, maybe when ryan finds out (if he still likes me) he will realize and actually try between me and him again.

[done]

i dont want to try anymore ryan. i wont want to have to always be the one to text first, and to keep conversations alive. i dont want to feel like i need you. i dont know what you want me to say. i texted you hours ago, and you never texted back. maybe what i said earlier got you mad, but i dont understand why. there are so many things i wish i could say to you, i really wish you cared, but it seems like you dont sometimes. i know you do, otherwise, you wouldnt get mad when i called myself a sorry pathetic loser. talking to you gets so hard sometimes, so much so that it hurts, because im still trying to get over you. ive come along way in the past week, but im not completely over you yet. it worries me when we have these hours that we dont talk for some reason that im unaware of, because i care so much, and you're one of the few people i care about at this point. yes, we have our problems, and you make me feel so stupid sometimes, but i always miss you when we dont talk. i need to be less attached. im not texting you for a while. not again today, not tomorrow, if you want to talk, then you can contact me, because im tired of chasing you. if you're so worried about bothering me, then i guess we wont talk. but if you really care, if talking to me as much as we do really means something to you, then maybe you'll get the message. i stopped texting yesterday, and im done for today. when i dont text tomorrow, what will you do? how long will it take you? or are you gonna be stupid and think im busy or i need space or time? who knows. do i care? a hell of alot, probably more than i should, but you obviously cant see that now can you? im done.

[Cindy]

i feel like shes trying to steal my friends. after everything that happened with her and ryan, i just dont like her, and now she wants to hang out with chris tomorrow. her and chris arent even close friends like we are, and im not hanging out with her. im really territorial when it comes to my guys i guess. but still. i just dont like it. girlfriends are one thing, but i just dont like this. ahh oh well.

[turning away]

after what happened last night with rainden, ive come to accept that ryan would not be a good boyfriend for me. as awesome as he is, as much as i love him, as strong as my feelings are for him, he's not the kind of boyfriend that i need. he doesnt seem to understand that i am a very emotional person, more than i let on. it doesnt matter that raided was just an animal. he was mine, and i had bonded with him already. he doesnt get that i would look over at his cage every night before i went to sleep. i had him for only 2 weeks, id been handling him for 3 weeks, but he already seemed a part of my every day. and none of that seems to matter to him. i dont expect him to understand how i feel, because hes a guy and is incapable of feeling extreme emotions, but he could atleast respect it. hes not sensitive enough to be more than a friend for me. i know that. which is why it hurts so much when he pays me no attention, however bad that sounds. no matter what either of us does, i cant get over him, and it kills me. i want for us to be more, but i cant picture it, and i know i cant let it happen. because it would ruin us. maybe we need to stop talking so much. it makes things harder. we run out of things to say, hes not always fun to talk to anymore, and im always the one who starts the conversation. i still feel like i annoy him. i feel like he doesnt want me around as much as i am. im not texting him tomorrow unless he texts me first. ill talk to chris instead, if he texts me back, unlike tonight when he didnt.

i liked how much brad cared today. i told him, and he gave me a hug, wouldnt let me go. kept asking if i was ok all day today. i really appreciate him, and since mom said we should date, ive actually been thinking about it. even tho i feel to romantic feelings for him. hes not always there, talking to me like ryan is, but he cares more than ryan does. hes understanding and respectful of my emotion.

uhhh i dont even know anymore. i want a boyfriend, but no one around me works well. i enjoy being single at the same time tho. life is beginning to be so hard and complicated, having a boyfriend would be nice for the comfort and all that, but chances are, it would make things worse. i really want to meet someone at cirillo this summer if its possible. of course, they'd have to be approved by ryan brad and chris, but it would still be nice. someone new and different, not windsor high material. im gonna crash now, cause im beat.

Rest In Peace,

Raided <3

[Raiden]

for once, im thankful for my pain. Raided<3 died about an hour and a half ago, and now my head is a horrible place to be. i cant talk to ryan because hes trying to tell me hes not. as much as i wish ryan were right, to hear him say 'i told you so', i know hes not right. i know im not wrong.

[Gimpy]

ryan is single again, and ive been getting more attention from him. hes been really happy lately too, which is great. i guess to him now that hes not with cindy, he doesnt have to deal with all the shit anymore, that carlos and karinna started a while ago. hes ignoring everything, which i guess makes me ignore it too. i had been able to keep my feelings for him at bay for a while, but they're back again, and growing, but this time, im not gonna let it affect my mood. life is good, and im trying hard not to ruin that. i hadnt talked to him all day yesterday, so around 8 when i finally texted him, i got an immediate response, and it seemed pretty excited. when he was leaving my house friday night because he couldnt spend the night, he gave me a big long hug. when we were sitting on the swing by the fire, he gave me a hug, and then kept his arm around me for a little bit and i had my head on his shoulder about to fall asleep. when he first got to my house on his bike, he gave me a big nasty sweaty hug. he hugged my head to his sweaty body and i didnt even care. when i was leaving the snake room to go to life guarding on thursday, he pulled me aside, made me sit on his lap with his arm around me, and asked what i wanted for my birthday. all i said was for him to be there. that was it. part of me is expecting tomorrow to be this huge day, and thank god its a b day, so i have snake room with everyone. tomorrow is when i turn 16. which means im allowed to date again. why am i expecting it to be a good day? im expecting ryan to do something. idk what, but part of me is hoping he asks me out, no matter how unlikely. i think im gonna text him now.

[Boys]

i kinda want a boyfriend again. and i know if i really had to have one, i could choose, because thats the position that im in. sort of. ryan has a girlfriend, and so does brad, but chris and john dont. does mat? idk. i want to have that sense of romance. i want to have that special person. i know that my guys will be there for me no matter what, but i want that certain relationship. altho me and ryan have a bond ive never had with anyone else, its still not the same. he says he wishes i was with him on the camping trip with him and brad. is it really just because they're having fun? idk

[drinking]

my dad has a drinking problem. this is old news. it was part of the problem and part of the reason mom almost wanted to divorce him back in 8th grade. 2 years later, hes still out getting trashed when he says hes working. hes not coming home tonight. hes too drunk to drive. how do i know? he called mom and i heard her talking to him upstairs. shes not happy, but i wouldnt be either. infact, im not. i want to cry. i hate what alcohol does to people, and my friends dont understand. ryan drinks and doesnt get drunk and sees no problem with it because 'hes irish'. well, so is my dad. i dont care if i have the genes to be an alcoholic, i will never be one, i hate everything about it. i hate how my dad isnt coming home tonight because of it. i hate how it always makes my parents fight. i hate how it nearly tore my family apart 2 years ago, i hate how its fucking everywhere! im not sure i have a single blood relative who hasnt had an alcohol problem atleast once in their life. i swear ill be different. my parents dont believe me. they never do. they say its in my blood. what the fuck do i care? i decide what i do, and i hate alcohol. ive seen what it does to people and i want to part of it. i wish it didnt own him...

[grades]

i have an F+ in chem. yes, an F+. i know that sounds stupid, why not just have an F, but no, my screwed up school as F+, F and F-. but anyway, i also have a C+ in math again, which isnt a huge problem, my parents just arent happy about it. my progress report also said i had a D+ in english. LIES!! i have a fucking B- in english! lets just say i was in deep shit. till i cried for like, 2 hours over it, i dont even know why. i think im pmsing, but it helped. they're not yelling at me anymore, but im still on thin ice. don took my phone away because he thinks it was a distraction. how could it just now be a distraction when ive been txting non stop on it since last semester? i dont get it, but i told him if anything was a distraction, it was the computer and the tv, so now im debating trading my phone for my computer so i can still talk to ryan and not go insade, because yes, that problem is still ripping my head to shreds. the only problem with giving up my computer is the email situation. i hate the whole thing, but theres nothing i can do about it till i get my grades up, and even then, don may still take my phone because he doesnt like how much i text, so really, its a lose lose situation. if only i had payed more attention and intercepted the progress report before anyone got to see it like amanda did. nothing i can do about it now tho other than fix it. i hate my life.

[Natalie]

im bursting at the seams. i want to much to be with ryan, but i know its the wrong choice to make. i know i need to stop liking him, but every chance i get, i daydream about him. i feel like things are changing between us tho, like we're not as close as we were. im scared that losing our feelings for each other will damage our friendship. idk, i think im just going crazy. idk all i know is that talking to him isnt the same right now, and its alot harder. i hate his one word answers. i hate that we run out of things to talk about. thats not how we used to be. amandas right. i do need to lay low for a while. no txting him till late friday unless he txts first. i need natalie.

[hostage situation]

its like ryan is unintentionally keeping me hostage. my mind atleast. he does things that drive me nuts but i can obviously hide it well because he has no clue. today, he was in a really good mood, which makes him really huggy. every 5 seconds he hugged me it seemed like. do i have a problem with that? absolutely not! i loved it! he would come from behind, the side, the front, i swear to god he still likes me but im too scared to say something! i need to talk to jelisa. she offered to ask him if he does still like me, but idk if she will unless i ask her to. and i really am fine with being just friends i just really want to know! when i space out and day dream, its him im dreamin about. sometimes i just want so badly for all the obstacles between us to go away so it can just be me and him. that sounds really bad because of how close of friends we are, but thats how i really feel sometimes, today especially. maybe this summer something will happen. we wouldnt have to tell anyone, we could keep the whole thing a secret. but then again if it backfired things would end horribly. but i really dont think i would ever hate him. we've fought before for real and we've both been offended, but we're still getting closer all the time. i remember a while ago he was planning on coming over just to hang out me and him. he said we could spend the day to get a feel for what it would be like to be together. that day never happened, but i wish it had. i wish he hadnt decided we were better as friends. i wish amanda wasnt a problem, i wish there were no problems just a grantee that we would work. hes amazing and i love him to death. idk why but i feel attached to him in a way ive never felt. ive never been this close with a guy who wasnt my boyfriend. and even then it feels different then that. i just cant ever get him out of my head, nor can i get over him. does that mean something? i think im reading way too far into this...

[takeover]

nik is taking over my head! ahhh! i always want to text him, but im always afraid he doesnt want to talk to me cause he hardly ever starts it. meanwhile my thoughts are half on ryan cause i still like him. what do i do!!!

[problematic]

my mind is stuck in a mood. i cant be happy, i cant feel anything but this. i need to be alone, but at the same time its not a good idea for me to think about it. i worry for ryan. i hate seeing him like this. i havent really talked to him since school. i feel horrible and i dont think im really helping. i feel like i make things worse because i tell him whats going on with amanda. i know its not helping him when i say amanda thinks hes mad at her. he has enough to deal with. why cant i do anything right? there it is, the one thing everyone hates to hear from someone else. my parents hate it when i say it, and so does ryan, but right now, thats how i feel. i feel neglected. erin has so much freedom and i dont get shit. everything about the party in june is about her, and im afraid my parents wont let me have alot of people over because 'its erins party not yours' and all that bull shit. well earth to mom and don! im turning 16 to! that party is just as much mine as it is erins! im angry alot lately, things dont go my way and i get mad. well, things really arent going my way and im pissed. parents dont care, i cant help ryan, i hate being away from the guys. amandas getting slightly annoying too. shes always complaining about what ryans doing. why cant she just go to him and ask him straight up? ryans right, why cant more girls be like me? i hate it because shes too quite to do anything for herself. she comes to me for everything and can never talk to the other person involved. on top of everything, my feelings for ryan are growing back up again. my head is so chaotic right now its ridiculous. i need summer now.

[overdose]

earlier this week chris said i was gorgeous. weird right? but hes a guy ya know? what are you gonna do. today, ryan came up from behind and rapped one arm around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. again, weird much? i get the feeling he still likes me, but i know he likes cindy, and idk anymore. i know we shouldnt go out, thats just one hell of a bad idea, but i always go back to wondering if i have a shot with him. its easy to conceal my emotions for him, but im worried for him right now so its a little harder. with this whole ashlee thing hes not doing well and he wont let me help. he doesnt want me involved because he feels bad i always get sucked into things. who cares! whatever, i think i may take a nap cause im tired as shit.

[insane]

this is crazy. i had a bon fire last night at which i invited brad, ryan, zack, alex amanda and chris. chris couldnt come, and amanda left early, so for most if it, it was just me and the 4 guys, which was great. brad randomly gave me a piggyback ride to the house cause he wanted something to drink. ryan zack and brad went home together, so we only had to drop alex off at his house. on the way home from doing so, my mom said that her and kelsey agree, i should date brad. brad considers me his sister i think that would be impossible. plus i dont even like him. i told ryan, he started laughing and did the whole "hahaha ok..." think. i know he was thinking something, but he claims he wasnt. but the insane part of the whole thing, IM ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT IT NOW!!! its not like i have feelings for the guy, i mean i love him to death, hes like my brother, but other than that, theres nothing. so why am i thinking about it? cause maybe he likes me, idk, i know he did in the past, but i really have no clue. im gonna go start the day now. its gonna suck tho, cause my feet killed all day yesterday and now its raining. great end to a vacation...

[conflicted]

ive been watching victorious because i can. and it kinda depresses me. i feel like i should be in that position at academy in the fall, but no, the freakin lottery put me on the wait list. shoot me, please. ryan would flip if he knew i said that, but i dont care. i feel like things are changing between us. but maybe thats just me. i feel like now that me and amanda are closer, maybe shes right, maybe she is pulling me away from him, and i hate thinking that she may be right. but i may just be short tempered lately cause its probably nearing my time of the month. wouldnt be surprised. but even still, i feel like things are different. i think im falling for him again. no, scratch that, i know im falling for him again. today i was helping out in the snake room, as was he. and for one split second, our eyes connected, and a thought shot through my mind. i started thinking amanda was right, he really is hot. his eyes are beautiful too. i snapped myself out of it right away, but i couldnt help it. i want to be closer to him. i really want him to trust me and to know i can go to him for anything, but at the same time, hes not that kind of guy i dont think. sometimes i feel like i dont know him at all. theres alot more to him and people see and it angers me because right when i feel like i know him completely, he says or does something, and suddenly im lost again. hes so difficult and stubborn, but then again so am i. i have no idea what im doing anymore, im basically winging it. and he wont text me back! he said he got the munches and i started joking around like what had he been doing, and he didnt get it and i wouldnt explain it so he stopped talking to me like the big baby he is. but really, do i really need to spell it out for him? he knows more about that stuff than i do, it would be backwards if i had to explain things to him! but whatever im gonna go look for corky and then try to get some sleep even tho i took a 3 hour nap today.

[crazy]

lets see, whats happened lately? ryan broke up with amanda and i got left with cleaning up the mess as usual, but i dont mind, i never do. i met her mom, and that was a really fun 2 days. her step brother is really cool considering hes only in 8th grade. her little sister is crazy but it was fun, even tho it was kinda annoying. i had a blast at all states with nik, and victoria, my roommate, swore that he liked me, and i kinda got that feeling too. we havent talked much since tho, k, i just realized i had a dream about ryan griffin. oh shit. thats kinda scary but ok, i get to see him all summer in the pit band im playing in. that will be interesting. im still debating on whether or not i should invite nik in june. im still thinking about it.

so ive been helping amanda out alot with this whole thing with ryan, and she was doing better, but when she slept over, we found something on his page that she didnt like very much. someone who is alot of bad news. she says that she hates him for even talking to her and shes never gonna talk to him again. i told him this, and warned him about the girl, but hes only checking her out because of stuff hes heard and cause he trusts me. a little anyway. hes like my brother tho, so i cant help but care. i dont think i like him anymore, hes just a really important figure to me now. ive never been this close to a guy who isnt my boyfriend so to me this is kinda big and im not gonna lose him. so on top of all that, rajewski has found a way to get involved. he went with us on friday to the concert, and now he likes amanada. says hes had dreams about her before he met her. he also says hes changed, hes not all about the one thing he was always after. i dont know how he is with relationships, i might ask cindy and see what she says. im trying to convince amanda to give him a chance, just to get to know him. hes really nice when you get to know him. but i dont know, things seem to have calmed down after last night. its not too bad now, not at the moment, but its still crazy how much and what is going on.

[change]

i liked ryan, and really wanted to be with him. but after the conversation we had about it a while ago, i realized that wont ever happen. as for the reason, i dont really care. since then, i dont want to be with him anymore, but i do still like him, just not as much. hes still my best friend, that much hasnt changed. but other things have. i got my letter from academy last weekend. im number 46 on the wait list. a little depressing. but on the bright side, only 46 people have to say no and i get to go next year. but ill survive if i dont. other than the jazz aspect, i was using it as an escape from school. but now, i have great friends who actually care which is great. im not about to kill anyone, life is good. i talked to nik last night. kim told him about academy. he says hes so sorry and that it sucks. he said he'll give me a hug at all states next weekend. i told him its ok, that im not as desperate anymore, and that made him a little less sad, but it still sucks. after next week im wondering how close we'll be. im really hoping he does cys next year. that would be amazing. for a while, i had stopped liking him, but i do again. im realizing that i always have to like someone. idk why tho, i just do. im just a hopeless romantic like that i guess. life is good for the most part now, and im loving it. i have ryan, amanda, brad and chris, im getting a ball python in 2 months and i cant wait, my grades are good, the party in june is gonna be amazing with everyone staying the night, i might even invite nik if i think we're that close. also brad from germany wants to get everyone together this summer, which would be epic i cant wait. other than my constant pain, and my surgery in august, and not getting in to academy, things are great, and considering everything thats going on, thats not bad. this is the happiest ive been since 7th grade, i know said that last year with anthony but now im happier than i was last year, and its great. now i just need to know if jake got into academy.

[so deceiving]

ryan just said goodnight. after not talking to him all day we got into a discussion about what goes on in my head and problems ive faced in the past. he didnt say much, so im curious as to what he was thinking. but when he said goodnight, he said he missed me. he is being extremely hard to read lately. i mean hes always been hard to read, but its been harder lately. its like hes going back and forth in his head about something. and tonight he really through me off. maybe its because he was so tired, but i really don't know. its just weird. maybe his 'urges' are getting to him now. but for him to say he misses me? hes never said that before. the more i talk to him the more i like him the harder it is for me to stand seeing him kiss amanda. yet at the same time, me and amanda are getting closer. i could make things easier, and make myself stop liking him. but i dont want to. i like me liking him. it gives me something to look forward to. it makes me remember what its like. he likes me back, i know he does, so why screw it up? oh wait, nvm, we would be screwing things up by getting together. or would we? i would lose amanda and a friend, but i would gain ryan as someone closer. but i cant deny the fact that we probably wouldnt last. and when we didnt, i cant deny that we probably wouldnt ever be the same again. and because of that, the smarter decision would be the harder one, no matter how much we both want to choose otherwise. im gonna go to bed now.

[videogames]

i went over to ryans house around 4, so it was me, ryan, zack and brad till 9. it was so much fun, even though i was just sitting around watching them play videogames the entire time. on the way there, we were talking in the car, me and ryan are going to college together at university of hartford, and im going on spring break with them all as the designated driver cause im the one who wont be drinking. i love how we make these plans. i wonder if we will actually follow through. i know me and ryan are gonna try. he really is my best friend, and im his, which makes me really happy. not sure anyone has ever considered me their best friend. anyway, later at ryans, we were talking about my surgery. i said i have to be in bed for 2 weeks after and brad was like "damn, im coming over every day then to see you." ryan agreed. then i told them that would be great, but before that, i have to be in the hospital for a few days and im gonna go insane. again, they both said they would come. ryan says hes gonna bring me pasta from home cause its my favorite. i really love these guys. i know my old friends never actually cared. but these guys really do care. especially ryan. i never thought i would find friends this good in my school, and at first i thought i was lowering my expectations. but in reality, i was judging. i admit that. i was judging people i didnt know. and now that ive gotten to know them, i dont know what i would do without them. i took one look at them and wrote them off, but took a chance anyway and found what i didnt know i could. sure, they have their flaws, like pot, and alcohol, and they're not the best students, but when it comes right down to it, that stuff isnt the most important. these guys are there for me, and i know they care. we click, its so easy for us. and i still cant explain what it is between me and ryan, it just is.

[favorites]

[alone]

Ryan is in to hugging me from behind. This morning i was leaving the snake room to to go Capt but ryan grabbed me from behind and gave me a hug that way and wouldnt let me go. i ditched first block, which was strings with bard today. for a while it was just me and ryan in the snake room, just the 2 of us. it was nice. he gave me another hug from behind. he gave me a big huge hug and picked me up too. he doesnt believe me but i really do like his hugs. i feel bad though, cause when amandas not around, we're flirting, and when she is, we dont really know what to say to each other. this situation is hard, and is making me think about him a little differently. but you know what, oh well, im not gonna let it bother me. i know what we're doing is wrong, even tho physically all we're doing is hugging, but i really dont care. we're not exactly romantically involved, but he has gotten me thinking about the 4 months i have left. what if i decide to break it again? but like, secretly? nope, cant do that, because i did it for me and i want to prove it to myself that i can do it. or at the very least till the end of this quarter. i may be getting high honors. i have an A+ in chem, A+ in strings of course, A in lifeguarding, A- in english, B- in french, B in modern global, and a B in algebra. 4 A's vs. 3 B's? not bad! best grades ive had since 8th grade. all i have to do now is keep them up. if i pull off high honors, im getting something out of it. whether it be that corn snake, or being allowed to spend the night at ryans camper over the summer, or idk yet, OROROR!!! letting my friends camp out in the back yard for my 16th birthday this summer!!! erins probably gonna have her friends sleep over, so why cant i right? idk, ill figure something out. i wish ryan would be done with his car and txt me back already...

[me]

im a chick whos entire life revolved around music. i played cello from 1st to 5th grade, and have been playing bass since. i started playing electric bass in 6th and guitar in 8th. ive played in 2 international music festivals in germany, and this year i made the all state orchestra. my hope is to one day become a professional musician and not go to college. i just want to play my music and that be it. but no matter what, music will always be in my life. im always listening to something, i just cant get enough. im hard to figure out, my best friend calls me a 500 piece jig saw puzzle. he can get the edges but not the middle. the thing is, i cant even get myself. my mind has been through alot, but not as much as some. ive come along way and im always changing, which makes things harder for me and those around me. im one in a few in many ways, im really different from other girls my age. im not as easy to read and i guess i hide behind a mask. im a hopeless romantic and i swear it will be the death of me one day. because right now, ive got strong feelings for said best friend. what makes it worse is that he feels the same. this was said last night. to top it all off, 2 weeks ago i got him with a friend of ours. he told me a week ago that he wanted to break up with her. i guess i know why. i feel horrible because i feel like hes cheating on her with me because of the way we talk when no one else is around because no one else knows other than my sister. she things i just ruined everything. maybe shes right, but he doesnt seem to think so. the craziest thing is that we all just met each other this year, and didnt become friends till around the holidays. how can he already be my best friend? all my old friends have ditched me, and i had no one. ive talked to him constantly for the past 4 weeks now and we're both really close. its amazing, but its also probably the reason for the feelings. i have no idea what our next move will be or should be, but i know it wont be for the next 4 months. i made a promise to myself back in august that i wouldnt get another boyfriend till the end of the school year, when i turn 16 and thats what i plan to do, and he understands that, so we have plenty of time to sort this out. so if i had to put me and my current life in a nutshell, that would be it.