[change]

i liked ryan, and really wanted to be with him. but after the conversation we had about it a while ago, i realized that wont ever happen. as for the reason, i dont really care. since then, i dont want to be with him anymore, but i do still like him, just not as much. hes still my best friend, that much hasnt changed. but other things have. i got my letter from academy last weekend. im number 46 on the wait list. a little depressing. but on the bright side, only 46 people have to say no and i get to go next year. but ill survive if i dont. other than the jazz aspect, i was using it as an escape from school. but now, i have great friends who actually care which is great. im not about to kill anyone, life is good. i talked to nik last night. kim told him about academy. he says hes so sorry and that it sucks. he said he'll give me a hug at all states next weekend. i told him its ok, that im not as desperate anymore, and that made him a little less sad, but it still sucks. after next week im wondering how close we'll be. im really hoping he does cys next year. that would be amazing. for a while, i had stopped liking him, but i do again. im realizing that i always have to like someone. idk why tho, i just do. im just a hopeless romantic like that i guess. life is good for the most part now, and im loving it. i have ryan, amanda, brad and chris, im getting a ball python in 2 months and i cant wait, my grades are good, the party in june is gonna be amazing with everyone staying the night, i might even invite nik if i think we're that close. also brad from germany wants to get everyone together this summer, which would be epic i cant wait. other than my constant pain, and my surgery in august, and not getting in to academy, things are great, and considering everything thats going on, thats not bad. this is the happiest ive been since 7th grade, i know said that last year with anthony but now im happier than i was last year, and its great. now i just need to know if jake got into academy.