[problematic]

my mind is stuck in a mood. i cant be happy, i cant feel anything but this. i need to be alone, but at the same time its not a good idea for me to think about it. i worry for ryan. i hate seeing him like this. i havent really talked to him since school. i feel horrible and i dont think im really helping. i feel like i make things worse because i tell him whats going on with amanda. i know its not helping him when i say amanda thinks hes mad at her. he has enough to deal with. why cant i do anything right? there it is, the one thing everyone hates to hear from someone else. my parents hate it when i say it, and so does ryan, but right now, thats how i feel. i feel neglected. erin has so much freedom and i dont get shit. everything about the party in june is about her, and im afraid my parents wont let me have alot of people over because 'its erins party not yours' and all that bull shit. well earth to mom and don! im turning 16 to! that party is just as much mine as it is erins! im angry alot lately, things dont go my way and i get mad. well, things really arent going my way and im pissed. parents dont care, i cant help ryan, i hate being away from the guys. amandas getting slightly annoying too. shes always complaining about what ryans doing. why cant she just go to him and ask him straight up? ryans right, why cant more girls be like me? i hate it because shes too quite to do anything for herself. she comes to me for everything and can never talk to the other person involved. on top of everything, my feelings for ryan are growing back up again. my head is so chaotic right now its ridiculous. i need summer now.