[conflicted]

ive been watching victorious because i can. and it kinda depresses me. i feel like i should be in that position at academy in the fall, but no, the freakin lottery put me on the wait list. shoot me, please. ryan would flip if he knew i said that, but i dont care. i feel like things are changing between us. but maybe thats just me. i feel like now that me and amanda are closer, maybe shes right, maybe she is pulling me away from him, and i hate thinking that she may be right. but i may just be short tempered lately cause its probably nearing my time of the month. wouldnt be surprised. but even still, i feel like things are different. i think im falling for him again. no, scratch that, i know im falling for him again. today i was helping out in the snake room, as was he. and for one split second, our eyes connected, and a thought shot through my mind. i started thinking amanda was right, he really is hot. his eyes are beautiful too. i snapped myself out of it right away, but i couldnt help it. i want to be closer to him. i really want him to trust me and to know i can go to him for anything, but at the same time, hes not that kind of guy i dont think. sometimes i feel like i dont know him at all. theres alot more to him and people see and it angers me because right when i feel like i know him completely, he says or does something, and suddenly im lost again. hes so difficult and stubborn, but then again so am i. i have no idea what im doing anymore, im basically winging it. and he wont text me back! he said he got the munches and i started joking around like what had he been doing, and he didnt get it and i wouldnt explain it so he stopped talking to me like the big baby he is. but really, do i really need to spell it out for him? he knows more about that stuff than i do, it would be backwards if i had to explain things to him! but whatever im gonna go look for corky and then try to get some sleep even tho i took a 3 hour nap today.