[so deceiving]

ryan just said goodnight. after not talking to him all day we got into a discussion about what goes on in my head and problems ive faced in the past. he didnt say much, so im curious as to what he was thinking. but when he said goodnight, he said he missed me. he is being extremely hard to read lately. i mean hes always been hard to read, but its been harder lately. its like hes going back and forth in his head about something. and tonight he really through me off. maybe its because he was so tired, but i really don't know. its just weird. maybe his 'urges' are getting to him now. but for him to say he misses me? hes never said that before. the more i talk to him the more i like him the harder it is for me to stand seeing him kiss amanda. yet at the same time, me and amanda are getting closer. i could make things easier, and make myself stop liking him. but i dont want to. i like me liking him. it gives me something to look forward to. it makes me remember what its like. he likes me back, i know he does, so why screw it up? oh wait, nvm, we would be screwing things up by getting together. or would we? i would lose amanda and a friend, but i would gain ryan as someone closer. but i cant deny the fact that we probably wouldnt last. and when we didnt, i cant deny that we probably wouldnt ever be the same again. and because of that, the smarter decision would be the harder one, no matter how much we both want to choose otherwise. im gonna go to bed now.