[fear]

its eating me alive. my surgery is in 10 days and its scaring the crap out of me. this summer is going by so quickly. i only have 2 years left here, 2 years left of high school. 1 more year of ryan for sure. im so afraid of losing him. im so afraid of losing everything i gained this year. but this surgery comes first. its closest. the surgery itself is scary, but the part that scares me the most is being put under. being knocked out and not having control. ive always been in control of what my body does. always. this is uncharted territory for me, and im not liking it. ryan says to get over it because i have nothing to worry about, and no reason to be afraid because i havent been through it before whereas he has. but hes not afraid of much. i dont know why im so scared, but hes been going in and out of hospital situations since he was a baby. i havent. its a fear of the unknown, and my mom says its totally natural and he doesnt know what hes talking about. that makes me feel better, but it means i cant talk to him about it. he understands my fear of the actual surgery, but the drugging part, he says im being stupid about. he was the one who could understand, and talk me through it, but not if hes gonna be a hard ass about it. oh well. ill survive. i know i will, so ill just have to hang on to that thought. as long as theres no catheter involved, ill be ok. i think.