[hostage situation]

its like ryan is unintentionally keeping me hostage. my mind atleast. he does things that drive me nuts but i can obviously hide it well because he has no clue. today, he was in a really good mood, which makes him really huggy. every 5 seconds he hugged me it seemed like. do i have a problem with that? absolutely not! i loved it! he would come from behind, the side, the front, i swear to god he still likes me but im too scared to say something! i need to talk to jelisa. she offered to ask him if he does still like me, but idk if she will unless i ask her to. and i really am fine with being just friends i just really want to know! when i space out and day dream, its him im dreamin about. sometimes i just want so badly for all the obstacles between us to go away so it can just be me and him. that sounds really bad because of how close of friends we are, but thats how i really feel sometimes, today especially. maybe this summer something will happen. we wouldnt have to tell anyone, we could keep the whole thing a secret. but then again if it backfired things would end horribly. but i really dont think i would ever hate him. we've fought before for real and we've both been offended, but we're still getting closer all the time. i remember a while ago he was planning on coming over just to hang out me and him. he said we could spend the day to get a feel for what it would be like to be together. that day never happened, but i wish it had. i wish he hadnt decided we were better as friends. i wish amanda wasnt a problem, i wish there were no problems just a grantee that we would work. hes amazing and i love him to death. idk why but i feel attached to him in a way ive never felt. ive never been this close with a guy who wasnt my boyfriend. and even then it feels different then that. i just cant ever get him out of my head, nor can i get over him. does that mean something? i think im reading way too far into this...