[turning away]

after what happened last night with rainden, ive come to accept that ryan would not be a good boyfriend for me. as awesome as he is, as much as i love him, as strong as my feelings are for him, he's not the kind of boyfriend that i need. he doesnt seem to understand that i am a very emotional person, more than i let on. it doesnt matter that raided was just an animal. he was mine, and i had bonded with him already. he doesnt get that i would look over at his cage every night before i went to sleep. i had him for only 2 weeks, id been handling him for 3 weeks, but he already seemed a part of my every day. and none of that seems to matter to him. i dont expect him to understand how i feel, because hes a guy and is incapable of feeling extreme emotions, but he could atleast respect it. hes not sensitive enough to be more than a friend for me. i know that. which is why it hurts so much when he pays me no attention, however bad that sounds. no matter what either of us does, i cant get over him, and it kills me. i want for us to be more, but i cant picture it, and i know i cant let it happen. because it would ruin us. maybe we need to stop talking so much. it makes things harder. we run out of things to say, hes not always fun to talk to anymore, and im always the one who starts the conversation. i still feel like i annoy him. i feel like he doesnt want me around as much as i am. im not texting him tomorrow unless he texts me first. ill talk to chris instead, if he texts me back, unlike tonight when he didnt.

i liked how much brad cared today. i told him, and he gave me a hug, wouldnt let me go. kept asking if i was ok all day today. i really appreciate him, and since mom said we should date, ive actually been thinking about it. even tho i feel to romantic feelings for him. hes not always there, talking to me like ryan is, but he cares more than ryan does. hes understanding and respectful of my emotion.

uhhh i dont even know anymore. i want a boyfriend, but no one around me works well. i enjoy being single at the same time tho. life is beginning to be so hard and complicated, having a boyfriend would be nice for the comfort and all that, but chances are, it would make things worse. i really want to meet someone at cirillo this summer if its possible. of course, they'd have to be approved by ryan brad and chris, but it would still be nice. someone new and different, not windsor high material. im gonna crash now, cause im beat.

Rest In Peace,

Raided <3