Monster In The Closet

He harassed me in elementary school so I beat him up. We dated and he broke up with me. I relied on him, and he stabbed me in the back. I've forgiven him, but not because I wanted to. I've known him since first grade. We're in twelfth now. I've known him throughout my entire schooling career, and no matter what he does, or how hard I try, I just can't walk away. It doesn't even hurt anymore. I know one day we will stop talking, I know that sooner or later, there will be no more coming back to him. I'm not even sure if he cares much any more. But letting go of someone you've known nearly all your life is a hard thing to do. True, he doesn't even know my darkest secret, but he knows everything else.

So much has happened in the last year. We dated, He dated one of my best friends, he nearly dated my other best friend. That one friend convinced him and the rest of them to stab me in the back. Now, all is forgiven, simply because I just can't care any more. High School is high school. Afterwards, you meet new people and forget those you knew. He is my Monster in the Closet. Losing him forever scares me, because he has been a constant that just keeps coming back which is more than I can say for anyone else. He's dating one of my new close friends as of yesterday. He's having a party at his house on saturday that I wasn't invited to, but she wants me to go because she isn't comfortable with anyone else. He says I can, but I plan on pulling him aside and asking if it's really ok that I'm there. Things still aren't the same after last year. At first, I was planning on not even trying, but I miss it now. I want that friendship back. I'm prepared to hear that he doesn't want to get back to that, that it is awkward and weird having me there. I'm ready to hear it all, expecting it even. But I'm also hoping to have him say he wants to be that close again. I want to be that person he can count on no matter what. But he's always chosen someone else. Catalina, Ashley, and now Olivia. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'll ask him that too. It's not like I have anything to lose. I love being able to say that, because for once, I really don't care, because it's really true. I've lost them all once, I can totally do it again.

[PAIN]

Being sexually assaulted is something that follows a person for the rest of their life. It's a never ending pain that can always resurface, even when you think you're moving on. It's been 4 years. I was 12. I was in a relationship with this kid. I liked him for all the wrong reasons. I clung to him because everything in life was shit. And I got the shit kicked out of me. 4 years later, the pain is still fresh, as if it were just yesterday. Pain, because of what he did, but also because I blame myself. I got myself in that situation. How could I not have seen the real him? I was always so proud of how well I could read people, but I fell for this person's act. So much time has passed, and it hadn't hurt in such a long time, but seeing pictures of him with people I'm friendly with, him so happy, so close with these people, my heart races, my eyes well up ready to cry, I can't relax. It all comes rushing back. Since the night it happened, I've been able to stay away from him. No classes together, see him coming, walk the other way, it's been easy. This coming year, I see him every day for a semester, every other for the second semester. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this since just a picture on facebook tears me apart. I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I really do. Will there ever be an escape?

[Reflection]

As my junior year comes to a close, and I only have 2 days of school left, I look back on the past year, and create a reflection. It was by far, the hardest year I've ever faced, but I also learned a lot. I've overcome more than people believed I could, but at the same time, the people who didn't believe in me where the ones who caused some of my obstacles. So I'm not sure what to say about that. Entering the year, I had a positive attitude, and a lot of friends, a very close friend in particular, and a whole lot of trust. Nearing the end, I have a few friends, who are mostly all close, a new very close friend in particular, an amazing boyfriend, a band, and very little trust, and a broken family. Despite all that I've been through, I still find a way to be positive. I'm not saying by any means that this year is the worst it could ever get, that I have the worst life possible. I'm simply saying this year has sucked. But from here on out, it should get better.

I'm at Mom's for the second night this week, and I'll be here at least one more night. It's getting better. I'm liking it more, and it's seeming a little more like home.

Right now, the only habit I want to change for next year is my procrastination. I want to actually get my work in on time, and not save it till the last minute. I went way overboard with procrastinating this year, its unbelievable, and I'm kicking myself for it.

[Living a NIghtmare]

I'm moving too fast for myself. I thought if I put in a ton of work, helping Mom move into the new house, maybe it would all be ok. but it's not. This is not how it's supposed to be. The dogs are supposed to be at the Palisado house. I'm only supposed to have one house. My parents were supposed to stay together. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but think about what I could have done to keep them together. They always promised we wouldn't be one of those families. This isn't home. Home has four bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, kitchen, Don's office, two bathrooms, two hallways and a second floor. A three bay garage not connected to the house. The red cupola. My barn. The greenhouses and twenty acres of land with a wrap around drive way. This? This is not a home. Not MY home anyway. I tried to accept things for what they were. I tried playing along. But with the way reality just hit me, I don't know if I can anymore.

[My Nightmare Becoming A Reality]

I'm spending the night at Mom's new house for the first time, and in all honesty, I'm scared. Just me, Mom and the dogs. This night will make it real. If you ask me how I am right now, I'll say fine. But I'm not. Everything is about to change. Erin's trying to deny it, but I can't. The only thing that helps is having Alex by my side, every step of the way, understanding every part of how I feel. There's no telling how I'll sleep tonight, in this new part of my life, in a new house, in a new bed. My new bed. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. Now I'm about to cry. I can't. I need to save it for after Mom goes to bed. I can't cry about what makes her happy, and after four years of her being depressed, I can't ruin that.

[Materialism]

In French, we're reading a book called Le Petit Prince. In this book, there is a character that believes owning many material possessions makes you wealthy. I guess this means that it's not only the U.S. that has turned to materialism. It's almost like a disease. Everyone wants to be cool, and cool means being like celebrities with the mot expensive things. it's all about being tangible. You could be the biggest jerk on the planet, but as long as you have more material possessions then you need, you're cool. I fail to see the point in this. I admit, I want a phone with a full keyboard, because texting on a flip phone is annoying, but I'm used to it. I don't NEED a change, I simply WANT one. The difference between me and other people is I don't go out on random shopping trips. I have all the cloths I need, and I'm not looking for more. Granted, I am in one of the most expensive industries out there: music. My upright bass, electric bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bass amp and guitar amp will come to about $10,000, but I also use them all. I play in several orchestras, plus a pit band with both basses, and I write music in my band with both guitars. I'm being productive with all of it, unlike my friend's dad who collects guitars and amps for fun, but can't play them at all. I drive a 1990 Chevy delivery van. I don't have a nice car like an ex band member. All in all, each and every one of us have material possessions we wouldn't want to lose, things we don't need, but some more than others. Sooner or later, U.S. culture is going to completely fall apart thanks to materialism.

[summer]

I'm feeling good today. I'm still a bit off but that's just because I'm still slacking in school. I need it to be over. Most of my classes are done though. I have no pre-calc, physics, or english finals, so I'm done in pre-calc aside from the quiz on friday. I still have to make up a test in physics and write 2 labs, and do the last project, but they I'm done. For english, I have to make up work, and do the final project but there's no final exam. For U.S. History, I have to take the final, I have to do my term paper, and make up work, boo hiss. French is winding down, and I have to take the final too, but I don't care about that class. Recording tech. may as well not have a final, let alone be graded at all. Then there's my psych final. I'll really have to study for that one. There's a lot of memorizing to do for that class. All in all, school is over because I just don't care. I really will study for my finals, but I'm just so burnt out it's ridiculous. I'm currently writing this in pre-clac listening to my ipod. It's finally june. How is it even possible to focus on school now? SAT's on saturday too. But then my party is next saturday and I turn 17 in a week!

[Returning]

I haven't really posted in a long while. Back in the fall, things got really good for me. I was the happiest I'd been in 3 years so I didn't need to post as much. I didn't need my main outlet. I had started a band, and it was going amazingly well. I knew it was too good to be true, and soon enough, it all came crashing down. The past few months had gotten really hard. I kept writing more music, cranking out song after song. That was my new outlet, and for a while, it worked. But lately, songs aren't working well enough. I need just straight words. I can't think about what I'm doing. Thinking is what's gotten me into this mess. I screwed things up with Ryan by being jealous of him and Ashley. I expected things to get better, but they haven't. They never will. I'm pretty sure he hates me now, which is what my last post was about. But you know what? I'm over it. I've been dating Alex for 3 months now, and it couldn't be better. A few weeks ago, I quit the band, Alex followed me, as did my guitarist, Zac, thus making it look like I kicked Ashley and

Amanda out to all of our friends, so now they all hate me. It's funny really. How many groups of friends can one person go through in one life time? I feel as though I'll be the one to find out. Over all, I'm ok right now. Alex, Zac and I still get together to play every weekend, and we're still writing. Mom just started moving out this past weekend, but it doesn't totally seem real yet. It's just like she's always at work. When I start sleeping at her new house, it will start to sink in.

Despite my absence for the past few months, I have still been writing thoughts down in various notebooks at school, so I'm gonna post those as well, just to keep it all in one place. Life has been busy, and with school coming to a close in about 2 weeks, it's about to get busier between work, pit band, band rehearsals, and trying to have a life. I'll survive though. It'll be fun. Plus senior year starts in the fall. Something to look forward to.

Back Track

I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss what he used to mean to me. Ryan, how did things get so bad? Why does it still hurt so much? Is this really how its supposed to be? I'm happy with alex, very happy. But there is always that "what if" about everything in life. Reading over the last heart to heart conversation we had, I want to cry. I remember a lot that happened between us. I wonder what happened. I wonder would could have been different. But most of all, I wonder, how did I let you get so close? There was always something about you that I couldn't put my finger on. And part of me still wonders if you still hold on to a thread of me. I put too much faith in you. I didn't let myself believe that I could mess up and lose you. But maybe I never messed up. Maybe it was really you who was wrong, and maybe that remains to be that way. Either way, in less than a month, you'll be gone, and the what could have beens will be what will never be. I don't regret getting so close to you. With each mistake, comes the chance to learn. It was hard to keep us together. You never tried. You had it stuck in your head that no one ever sticks around. I tried to be there for you. I tried to be that one person who would stick around, and I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you, but if you really loved me, as a friend or something more, you wouldn't have given up on me when I made mistakes. I still don't understand why you hate me so much now, and I'm sure I never will. If I could talk to you and tell you all of this, maybe I would, but I know I can't. I know you too well for that. I've hurt you. You've hurt me. I have Alex now, and you have Ashley. Alex and I are going strong, and have high hopes for the future. Maybe I'll end up being wrong about you and Ashley's future, but in all honesty, I don't want you to work out. Despite everything, you still deserve better for her, and she deserves less than you. I can understand that you are only doing what you feel is right for you, what you need to do. I don't have to agree with it, but I can understand, because that is exactly what I am doing for myself. I wish things could have gone differently, but there's no changing the past. One thing is for sure, I wouldn't chose to be with you over Alex. There are far too many differences I wouldn't be willing to give up, but I do miss you as a friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did.

[Earth is calling]

I can't stop thinking about Alex. Once again, I'm in French, and I can't focus, not to mention, I'm more tired then I have been. I'm either taking a nap today after school, or going to bed early. I need to pull my act together. I need to hand in all my missing work. I need to write my history paper, essays and study questions for two books in Sheer's class, turn in my math project, I just need to start doing work again all together. I need to get exercise too. I want to know what the plan for this weekend is too. Am I going to Alex's house at some point? Am I going to the studio both nights? I know we're getting soup on sunday. Maybe we can go to mom's house sunday after soup. Who knows. I'll have to ask. All I know is I'm dying for soup and I want to see Alex bad.

[Runaway]

I can't focus. Sitting in French, thinking about Alex. We really are betting long term on this relationship. I really adore him. And he adores me. For a while we'd been joking about running away to Australia together. Now, I think it maybe turning into a real plan. We talked about it yesterday. After I graduate next year, we may take a trip to Australia. It would be fun, I just hope we could do it. Trip number 2 next summer, going to L.A. to the Warwick custom shop. We would stay at Alex's dad's house while we were there. I've made plans in the future with boyfriends before, so none of it really feels real and my hopes aren't high for going, but the idea excites me. Alex is really into this. Into me.

[Real]

This is how I know it's real. I can't stop. Thinking about him, kissing him, wanting to see him. But it never gets painful. I find pleasure in the small things I get from him. This is how relationships should be. There's no pressure, no requirements, no nothing. It's not about how often I get to see him, or for how long. It's not weather we're alone or with other people. It's being with him at all. It's putting aside the differences, and loving that person with their flaws. That's what a real relationship is. It's not needing them to be happy. It's wanting them because they make you happy. It's not needing to tell or show the world. It's knowing what's there, and being able to reserve it for you and that other person. It's not being afraid of what that person thinks. It's about doing what will make you both happy, not just one of you. It's about showing you care, but not feeling pressured. It's not having to go to extremes to show affection. It's enjoying small, short, sweet moments for long periods of time. It's about giving support when life gets rough. It's about showing your vulnerable side and allowing that person to help. It's about trusting another human being with your everything, and taking care of someone else's everything. Real relationships are a lot of things. Abused is one of them. Hard to come by is another. People think they have what's real, when in reality, its all the honeymoon stage, and sooner or later, that relationship will fall apart because they don't know what's important. I can't be sure if what I have is real quite yet, since it's only been a week. It feels a lot longer than that thought. Life is pretty crappy right now, and I'm losing a lot. But knowing I have him there no matter what is what gets me through the day. I still have him, and a few other friends even if the rest are ditching me for the stupidest reasons. Hiding what's here would be pointless and painful, even though there's a seven year age difference, but mentally, him and I are only exact same page. I'm too mature for where I am, and I'm lucky I've found a person like him who understands everything I go through, and agrees with everything I say because it's what he thinks, not because he wants to be on my good side. He makes he happy. I don't miss him much when I don't see him all week, because I don't need to. I'm stable, he's stable. We're both happy, and we talk all the time. Seeing him every day would wear out his welcome, so these weekly visits keep things interesting.

[Obsession]

Friday was great with Alex. I absolutely love hanging out with him. After recording and rehearsing a bit, me, Ashley and Amanda sat on the floor of the practice room together. What did Alex do? He squeezed himself between me and Ashley just so he could sit next to me. I got 2 hugs that night. And they were long hugs. After we dropped Amanda off on the way to my house, we had a talk about my current band situation. He's great to talk to. About everything. So many hits have been dropped lately, and we just keep getting closer and closer. I really can't wait till Friday. It's just going to be me and him at the studio unless someone else comes by. Ashley and Amanda are going to stay away since the date on the 20th got canceled, but who knows about Adam, Zac, Ryan or Jesse. They have their own personal schedules that I don't follow.

Alex, Alex, Alex. That's all I can think about. He's everywhere. I want to say it's real, but It's way too soon for that. It's just that, he's perfect, and i can't help but wonder if this is for real or if it's just another teenage romance. I can't let myself believe it's real this early. I can't let myself get that attached. We haven't even talked about it yet.

[M.A.G.]

Alex pretty much called sunday a date yesterday. He also pretty much asked me out on a second date yesterday. He's trying to find reasons to give me hugs now too. Things with him just keep getting better. I love it. He said he wants to get his mom to feed mi in return for all the times he's eaten at my house. Now I have to have dinner at his house, maybe I'm reading way too far into this, but this is HUGE. I feel like such a girl for freaking about this, but I can't help it if he makes me happy. He raves about my maturity level. I love talking to him. I ca have a serious, deep conversation about something that matters with him. The fact that he's 7 years older doesn't matter when we really talk, or maybe it's the fact that I'm 7 years younger since I act more his age than he does mine.

I think we were taking about running away to Australia together the other day. We agreed that it's easier to get noticed outside of the U.S. so maybe one day we can run away to Australia or Europe.

Who knows if Alex is my "soul mate" or whatever, but he is definitely someone I want to keep with me for the rest of my life, especially in my music.

[brad]

brad just called me. out of the blue. naturally, i got worried, like something, but he just asked me how much tickets are for the talent show friday, and to tell me that he's giving me the shirt money tomorrow. i started to relax after that, thinking he just didnt want to text. then he dropped the bomb. he might be moving. shot through the heart. he cant move. he just cant. he's my brother, ive known him for over 10 years, he cant move. i wont let him. he told me not to tell anyone, he'll tell them if the time actually comes. i guess that means im the only one or the first one he told, which makes me feel great, maybe i know something that ashley doesnt know, or maybe he just told me because he knows i dont like how he never talks to me. who knows. but im not saying a word to anyone. i just told him that id clean out a room in the barn for him. i cant believe this. he cant move. he just cant. i cant imagine not having him around anymore.

[talent show]

PARALLAX made it to the second round of the talent show. I can't say I'm surprised, but I'm happy about it. I really think we have a shot at winning based on everyone's reactions. But I can't help but wonder how much attention winning would get us, and whether or not Alex would want to go along with it because of Swim The Mind. The last thing I want to do is steal him from them, but replacing Alex would be impossible. But could you believe if we got signed after this?? Probably WAYYYY overlooking things, but I can't help but think about it. I want it to happen so bad. Nothing would ever beat that. Leaving home at 16 with a record deal? There's nothing better. Not for me. I'm sure Alex would agree too. Even if we got a sponsor, that would be amazing. I feel kinda bad because school has been slipping, but I'm feeling incredibly confident about Parallax. No matter what happens, Alex and I are going to keep going with this, even if Ashley and Amanda bale.

[Penguins and Dodos]

Alex and I flirt more and more these days, and the more it hurts, but the happier I get. I love having this feeling. I blush when I talk about him to Ashley, or to anyone for that matter. No matter what I do, he's in my head, and I want him there. He teases me now, but its cute. I never thought the day would come when I'd call a guy cute, but like Ricky, to me Alex is cute. He's a little kid at heart, and it's so easy to see when he's behind his set, or if you know how to talk to him to act like it, which, I'm pretty damn good at. I can't wait till next sunday. I'm going to get soup with just Alex and Adam. Just the three of us. Afterwards, we're going back to the studio and just jamming all day. I'm so stoked. Yes, I just used the word stoked. Alex makes me happier than I've been in a long time, happier than I ever have been with ryan. It's crazy, and it scares the living daylights out of me, but it's true. Alex makes any bad feeling melt away into nonexistence. Part of me wishes he would just talk to me about how he feels, so everything would be in the open, but the other part of me wishes we could just stay this way forever. I guess I'm afraid that once the chase is over, it won't be as fun, that I'll lose interest. Not too unreasonable. I know the time is growing closer though. I know this won't last forever, and the more I talk to him, the closer he gets to telling me.

[Marcus Alexander Giosa]

It's Alex. Everywhere I turn, he's there. He's the center of all my thoughts. He's what I day dream about. I fear I'm in denial, that I'm not really emotionally independent. I feel like maybe I've just latched onto the idea of him. I know it's bad and wrong and whatever, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if I WANT to do anything about it. Alex makes me happy. He's a great friend, even if there is something else there. I just want this day to be over. I want to go to guitar center with Alex. Amanda's coming, unfortunately, but we also need the practice before hand. Amanda tends to ruin Alex time. I like one-on-one time with Alex. It just works so well Amanda is so high maintenance. Sometimes I wish I could just kick her out of the band. I wonder how well things would work if it was just me and Alex. Me singing and playing guitar, Alex on drums. Just a thought, but it's one that makes you wonder, you know?

[blank planet]

we had a snow day today, and i spent it talking to alex, from around 1 this after noon till now. i have to say, in person would have been better, but it definitely made me feel better. i was in a mood this morning, but im definitely not now. alex makes me happy. maybe happier than he should for our...arrangement, ill call it. its obvious things are mutual, and it makes me wonder if he sees it too. there was so much flirting initiated by him today, so im sure he knows. too bad its soooo forbidden. if he knows, i wonder if he knows that i do too. maybe hes making himself obvious? who knows. who cares. im happy with the way things are. im one of the only 3 people he txts on a regular basis. hes always happy to talk to me. when he brought me soup last, he said id had been too long since we'd hung out. i feel bad for him tho. he really wants a girlfriend. i good one. he hasnt had one in 4 years. actually, he hasnt had one period in 4 years. now hes looking, and getting nowhere. id be willing to bed that if i were atleast 18, he'd ask me. and part of me wishes i was 18. but at the same time, idk. i love alex. i do. and i do like him. honestly. but idk. hes a great guy, hands down. who knows. who knows what will happen in the future. alex understands everything. alex always makes me feel better. alex makes my music sound that much better. alex means that much to me, and i hope he knows that i would never take him for granted.

[solving]

life is a bitch, and people are ass holes. this concepts are true, and in every aspect, inevitable. you just need to know which fights are worth fighting, and what ass holes are worth fighting for. you also need to know when to take a break from the fighting and take a breather, wether its what other people want from you. ryan is still mad and me trying to talk to him only makes it worse. he says i dont understand, and hes right, i really dont. i wish he would explain it to me, but he wont, so theres nothing i can do but wait and hope that we'll be ok at some point. until then, im focusing on my own personal issues. i need to stabalize myself before i worry about what other people want. for once im putting myself first. ryan doesnt get this because he doesnt know. my parents are happy about this, and erin agrees. ashley says its good im trying to be happy with myself and not happy based on other people, but we all know that she thinks im being selfish and not caring enough about my problem with ryan. honestly, i dont care. when ryan wants to fix things, we will. but my mental state has gone uncared for for too long now, and i need to fix that before fixing anything else. i need to become emotionally independant. i need to get my grades up. i need to be happy with myself. and right now im not. ryan can wait. on the bright side, i have alex who will do anything for me. ive been thinking about him alot lately. my problem with always having to like someone? yea...right now alex giosa is that guy. i dont have a problem with it anymore. i dont care anymore. the age thing doesnt bother me. ive done alot of my own thinking, and what i worried about before doesnt apply anymore. alex has been there for me and hes a great outlet. whatever feelings i may have for him and that he has for me can do whatever they want, im not controling them anymore. its too hard to manage everything at once, and so im just giving up. id rather be happy then problem free because problem free is impossible. there will always be something. ryan is right about that. there is always something. the difference now is that im not gonna let one something affect how i feel and act unless its a major something. if its one problem with one person, im gonna keep being happy and just try to fix things, just like im trying to do with ryan. however, right now, i have more than one problem so being happy is hard. today was good because me and ashley got so much work done on the songs which always helps, but i still have more issues, and i still have to deal with ryan. but one thing at a time, and i go first for once. im making 2011 my year. ive focused on other people problems all through middle school and high school and i think ive earned a break to deal with myself. i will always worry and care about ryan and brad and everyone, always, but that doesnt mean i cant take care of myself first. ill just keep my issues to myself and pretend they're not there until they really arent there anymore. self-evaluations are always a challenge, and this time it came at a really bad time, but ill get through it. i know i will. i always do. theres nothing i cant handle. however, theres nothing thats gonna keep me from saying i wish it was all easier. its always one thing after another, but thats what i get. ryans anger towards me is self inflicted, and i intend to accept full responsibility for whatever it is i may have done. but im not too worried of whats to come for me and him, altho i do worry how long it will take for us to mend, if it ever happens. im gonna crash now. i cant be falling asleep tomorrow night at the studio with alex. apparently adam will be there too. joy...oh well. it will still be a "party" as alex put it :P

[return]

id been better all day. it didnt hurt as much, and i didnt have the urge to cry, but because don just came in my room and decided to be an ass about my grades and reminded me hes taking my phone tomorrow, im back to where i was. i need to snap out of it and fix things. i guess ill just duck my head down and work until my grades are better. then ill worry about ryan. that way he has time to get better so maybe hes not so mad at me and we can move on.

[alone]

theres so much i wish i could change. theres so much i wish i could undo. theres so much i wish i could unsay. but i know. just like everyone else. that thats damn well impossible. as much as i hate it. as much as i want it. theres no going back. theres no changing. whats done is done. its all my fault, and ive accepted that. ive accepted, now the next step is to keep moving through the mess i made on my own. it wont be easy. im on my own. the problem is with ryan. ashley is effected. i refuse to turn to the breakfast club. amanda cant handle it. im on my own. im free standing. its like a flashback to last year. only this time its worse. ryan wont talk to me. for the first time ever he told me he doesnt want to talk to me. and i need help. surgery 2 weeks ago, i cant walk. i go back to school tuesday, and i need someone to walk me around. im gonna text ryan tomorrow and ask him if i need to find someone else. ill have brad take his place if he says yes. it will hurt alot, but if thats what i need to do then ill do it. ive always said id do anything for him and i meant it. even if it hurts me in the process. id do anything for him. and this time. i hurt him first i guess. i owe him. i was a bitch. i let myself get to me. i told myself i wouldnt. and i did. i cause my own problems. im gonna show him that i can change. or that i can atleast try. i just hope its not too late. i dont know how badly i fucked up but i know i looked pretty stupid. i act like i dont care, but they are all my friends. the best friends i could have. and i was a bitch. i acted like i didnt need them, like i didnt appreciate them. what i did was not ok, and i know that. i know i know i know. but theres nothing i can do now but wait it out and hope it gets better fast. because this seriously sucks. and i hate it.