[alone]

theres so much i wish i could change. theres so much i wish i could undo. theres so much i wish i could unsay. but i know. just like everyone else. that thats damn well impossible. as much as i hate it. as much as i want it. theres no going back. theres no changing. whats done is done. its all my fault, and ive accepted that. ive accepted, now the next step is to keep moving through the mess i made on my own. it wont be easy. im on my own. the problem is with ryan. ashley is effected. i refuse to turn to the breakfast club. amanda cant handle it. im on my own. im free standing. its like a flashback to last year. only this time its worse. ryan wont talk to me. for the first time ever he told me he doesnt want to talk to me. and i need help. surgery 2 weeks ago, i cant walk. i go back to school tuesday, and i need someone to walk me around. im gonna text ryan tomorrow and ask him if i need to find someone else. ill have brad take his place if he says yes. it will hurt alot, but if thats what i need to do then ill do it. ive always said id do anything for him and i meant it. even if it hurts me in the process. id do anything for him. and this time. i hurt him first i guess. i owe him. i was a bitch. i let myself get to me. i told myself i wouldnt. and i did. i cause my own problems. im gonna show him that i can change. or that i can atleast try. i just hope its not too late. i dont know how badly i fucked up but i know i looked pretty stupid. i act like i dont care, but they are all my friends. the best friends i could have. and i was a bitch. i acted like i didnt need them, like i didnt appreciate them. what i did was not ok, and i know that. i know i know i know. but theres nothing i can do now but wait it out and hope it gets better fast. because this seriously sucks. and i hate it.