[solving]

life is a bitch, and people are ass holes. this concepts are true, and in every aspect, inevitable. you just need to know which fights are worth fighting, and what ass holes are worth fighting for. you also need to know when to take a break from the fighting and take a breather, wether its what other people want from you. ryan is still mad and me trying to talk to him only makes it worse. he says i dont understand, and hes right, i really dont. i wish he would explain it to me, but he wont, so theres nothing i can do but wait and hope that we'll be ok at some point. until then, im focusing on my own personal issues. i need to stabalize myself before i worry about what other people want. for once im putting myself first. ryan doesnt get this because he doesnt know. my parents are happy about this, and erin agrees. ashley says its good im trying to be happy with myself and not happy based on other people, but we all know that she thinks im being selfish and not caring enough about my problem with ryan. honestly, i dont care. when ryan wants to fix things, we will. but my mental state has gone uncared for for too long now, and i need to fix that before fixing anything else. i need to become emotionally independant. i need to get my grades up. i need to be happy with myself. and right now im not. ryan can wait. on the bright side, i have alex who will do anything for me. ive been thinking about him alot lately. my problem with always having to like someone? yea...right now alex giosa is that guy. i dont have a problem with it anymore. i dont care anymore. the age thing doesnt bother me. ive done alot of my own thinking, and what i worried about before doesnt apply anymore. alex has been there for me and hes a great outlet. whatever feelings i may have for him and that he has for me can do whatever they want, im not controling them anymore. its too hard to manage everything at once, and so im just giving up. id rather be happy then problem free because problem free is impossible. there will always be something. ryan is right about that. there is always something. the difference now is that im not gonna let one something affect how i feel and act unless its a major something. if its one problem with one person, im gonna keep being happy and just try to fix things, just like im trying to do with ryan. however, right now, i have more than one problem so being happy is hard. today was good because me and ashley got so much work done on the songs which always helps, but i still have more issues, and i still have to deal with ryan. but one thing at a time, and i go first for once. im making 2011 my year. ive focused on other people problems all through middle school and high school and i think ive earned a break to deal with myself. i will always worry and care about ryan and brad and everyone, always, but that doesnt mean i cant take care of myself first. ill just keep my issues to myself and pretend they're not there until they really arent there anymore. self-evaluations are always a challenge, and this time it came at a really bad time, but ill get through it. i know i will. i always do. theres nothing i cant handle. however, theres nothing thats gonna keep me from saying i wish it was all easier. its always one thing after another, but thats what i get. ryans anger towards me is self inflicted, and i intend to accept full responsibility for whatever it is i may have done. but im not too worried of whats to come for me and him, altho i do worry how long it will take for us to mend, if it ever happens. im gonna crash now. i cant be falling asleep tomorrow night at the studio with alex. apparently adam will be there too. joy...oh well. it will still be a "party" as alex put it :P