Back Track

I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss what he used to mean to me. Ryan, how did things get so bad? Why does it still hurt so much? Is this really how its supposed to be? I'm happy with alex, very happy. But there is always that "what if" about everything in life. Reading over the last heart to heart conversation we had, I want to cry. I remember a lot that happened between us. I wonder what happened. I wonder would could have been different. But most of all, I wonder, how did I let you get so close? There was always something about you that I couldn't put my finger on. And part of me still wonders if you still hold on to a thread of me. I put too much faith in you. I didn't let myself believe that I could mess up and lose you. But maybe I never messed up. Maybe it was really you who was wrong, and maybe that remains to be that way. Either way, in less than a month, you'll be gone, and the what could have beens will be what will never be. I don't regret getting so close to you. With each mistake, comes the chance to learn. It was hard to keep us together. You never tried. You had it stuck in your head that no one ever sticks around. I tried to be there for you. I tried to be that one person who would stick around, and I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you, but if you really loved me, as a friend or something more, you wouldn't have given up on me when I made mistakes. I still don't understand why you hate me so much now, and I'm sure I never will. If I could talk to you and tell you all of this, maybe I would, but I know I can't. I know you too well for that. I've hurt you. You've hurt me. I have Alex now, and you have Ashley. Alex and I are going strong, and have high hopes for the future. Maybe I'll end up being wrong about you and Ashley's future, but in all honesty, I don't want you to work out. Despite everything, you still deserve better for her, and she deserves less than you. I can understand that you are only doing what you feel is right for you, what you need to do. I don't have to agree with it, but I can understand, because that is exactly what I am doing for myself. I wish things could have gone differently, but there's no changing the past. One thing is for sure, I wouldn't chose to be with you over Alex. There are far too many differences I wouldn't be willing to give up, but I do miss you as a friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did.