[Returning]

I haven't really posted in a long while. Back in the fall, things got really good for me. I was the happiest I'd been in 3 years so I didn't need to post as much. I didn't need my main outlet. I had started a band, and it was going amazingly well. I knew it was too good to be true, and soon enough, it all came crashing down. The past few months had gotten really hard. I kept writing more music, cranking out song after song. That was my new outlet, and for a while, it worked. But lately, songs aren't working well enough. I need just straight words. I can't think about what I'm doing. Thinking is what's gotten me into this mess. I screwed things up with Ryan by being jealous of him and Ashley. I expected things to get better, but they haven't. They never will. I'm pretty sure he hates me now, which is what my last post was about. But you know what? I'm over it. I've been dating Alex for 3 months now, and it couldn't be better. A few weeks ago, I quit the band, Alex followed me, as did my guitarist, Zac, thus making it look like I kicked Ashley and

Amanda out to all of our friends, so now they all hate me. It's funny really. How many groups of friends can one person go through in one life time? I feel as though I'll be the one to find out. Over all, I'm ok right now. Alex, Zac and I still get together to play every weekend, and we're still writing. Mom just started moving out this past weekend, but it doesn't totally seem real yet. It's just like she's always at work. When I start sleeping at her new house, it will start to sink in.

Despite my absence for the past few months, I have still been writing thoughts down in various notebooks at school, so I'm gonna post those as well, just to keep it all in one place. Life has been busy, and with school coming to a close in about 2 weeks, it's about to get busier between work, pit band, band rehearsals, and trying to have a life. I'll survive though. It'll be fun. Plus senior year starts in the fall. Something to look forward to.

Back Track

I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss what he used to mean to me. Ryan, how did things get so bad? Why does it still hurt so much? Is this really how its supposed to be? I'm happy with alex, very happy. But there is always that "what if" about everything in life. Reading over the last heart to heart conversation we had, I want to cry. I remember a lot that happened between us. I wonder what happened. I wonder would could have been different. But most of all, I wonder, how did I let you get so close? There was always something about you that I couldn't put my finger on. And part of me still wonders if you still hold on to a thread of me. I put too much faith in you. I didn't let myself believe that I could mess up and lose you. But maybe I never messed up. Maybe it was really you who was wrong, and maybe that remains to be that way. Either way, in less than a month, you'll be gone, and the what could have beens will be what will never be. I don't regret getting so close to you. With each mistake, comes the chance to learn. It was hard to keep us together. You never tried. You had it stuck in your head that no one ever sticks around. I tried to be there for you. I tried to be that one person who would stick around, and I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you, but if you really loved me, as a friend or something more, you wouldn't have given up on me when I made mistakes. I still don't understand why you hate me so much now, and I'm sure I never will. If I could talk to you and tell you all of this, maybe I would, but I know I can't. I know you too well for that. I've hurt you. You've hurt me. I have Alex now, and you have Ashley. Alex and I are going strong, and have high hopes for the future. Maybe I'll end up being wrong about you and Ashley's future, but in all honesty, I don't want you to work out. Despite everything, you still deserve better for her, and she deserves less than you. I can understand that you are only doing what you feel is right for you, what you need to do. I don't have to agree with it, but I can understand, because that is exactly what I am doing for myself. I wish things could have gone differently, but there's no changing the past. One thing is for sure, I wouldn't chose to be with you over Alex. There are far too many differences I wouldn't be willing to give up, but I do miss you as a friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did.

[Earth is calling]

I can't stop thinking about Alex. Once again, I'm in French, and I can't focus, not to mention, I'm more tired then I have been. I'm either taking a nap today after school, or going to bed early. I need to pull my act together. I need to hand in all my missing work. I need to write my history paper, essays and study questions for two books in Sheer's class, turn in my math project, I just need to start doing work again all together. I need to get exercise too. I want to know what the plan for this weekend is too. Am I going to Alex's house at some point? Am I going to the studio both nights? I know we're getting soup on sunday. Maybe we can go to mom's house sunday after soup. Who knows. I'll have to ask. All I know is I'm dying for soup and I want to see Alex bad.

[Runaway]

I can't focus. Sitting in French, thinking about Alex. We really are betting long term on this relationship. I really adore him. And he adores me. For a while we'd been joking about running away to Australia together. Now, I think it maybe turning into a real plan. We talked about it yesterday. After I graduate next year, we may take a trip to Australia. It would be fun, I just hope we could do it. Trip number 2 next summer, going to L.A. to the Warwick custom shop. We would stay at Alex's dad's house while we were there. I've made plans in the future with boyfriends before, so none of it really feels real and my hopes aren't high for going, but the idea excites me. Alex is really into this. Into me.

[Real]

This is how I know it's real. I can't stop. Thinking about him, kissing him, wanting to see him. But it never gets painful. I find pleasure in the small things I get from him. This is how relationships should be. There's no pressure, no requirements, no nothing. It's not about how often I get to see him, or for how long. It's not weather we're alone or with other people. It's being with him at all. It's putting aside the differences, and loving that person with their flaws. That's what a real relationship is. It's not needing them to be happy. It's wanting them because they make you happy. It's not needing to tell or show the world. It's knowing what's there, and being able to reserve it for you and that other person. It's not being afraid of what that person thinks. It's about doing what will make you both happy, not just one of you. It's about showing you care, but not feeling pressured. It's not having to go to extremes to show affection. It's enjoying small, short, sweet moments for long periods of time. It's about giving support when life gets rough. It's about showing your vulnerable side and allowing that person to help. It's about trusting another human being with your everything, and taking care of someone else's everything. Real relationships are a lot of things. Abused is one of them. Hard to come by is another. People think they have what's real, when in reality, its all the honeymoon stage, and sooner or later, that relationship will fall apart because they don't know what's important. I can't be sure if what I have is real quite yet, since it's only been a week. It feels a lot longer than that thought. Life is pretty crappy right now, and I'm losing a lot. But knowing I have him there no matter what is what gets me through the day. I still have him, and a few other friends even if the rest are ditching me for the stupidest reasons. Hiding what's here would be pointless and painful, even though there's a seven year age difference, but mentally, him and I are only exact same page. I'm too mature for where I am, and I'm lucky I've found a person like him who understands everything I go through, and agrees with everything I say because it's what he thinks, not because he wants to be on my good side. He makes he happy. I don't miss him much when I don't see him all week, because I don't need to. I'm stable, he's stable. We're both happy, and we talk all the time. Seeing him every day would wear out his welcome, so these weekly visits keep things interesting.

[Obsession]

Friday was great with Alex. I absolutely love hanging out with him. After recording and rehearsing a bit, me, Ashley and Amanda sat on the floor of the practice room together. What did Alex do? He squeezed himself between me and Ashley just so he could sit next to me. I got 2 hugs that night. And they were long hugs. After we dropped Amanda off on the way to my house, we had a talk about my current band situation. He's great to talk to. About everything. So many hits have been dropped lately, and we just keep getting closer and closer. I really can't wait till Friday. It's just going to be me and him at the studio unless someone else comes by. Ashley and Amanda are going to stay away since the date on the 20th got canceled, but who knows about Adam, Zac, Ryan or Jesse. They have their own personal schedules that I don't follow.

Alex, Alex, Alex. That's all I can think about. He's everywhere. I want to say it's real, but It's way too soon for that. It's just that, he's perfect, and i can't help but wonder if this is for real or if it's just another teenage romance. I can't let myself believe it's real this early. I can't let myself get that attached. We haven't even talked about it yet.

[M.A.G.]

Alex pretty much called sunday a date yesterday. He also pretty much asked me out on a second date yesterday. He's trying to find reasons to give me hugs now too. Things with him just keep getting better. I love it. He said he wants to get his mom to feed mi in return for all the times he's eaten at my house. Now I have to have dinner at his house, maybe I'm reading way too far into this, but this is HUGE. I feel like such a girl for freaking about this, but I can't help it if he makes me happy. He raves about my maturity level. I love talking to him. I ca have a serious, deep conversation about something that matters with him. The fact that he's 7 years older doesn't matter when we really talk, or maybe it's the fact that I'm 7 years younger since I act more his age than he does mine.

I think we were taking about running away to Australia together the other day. We agreed that it's easier to get noticed outside of the U.S. so maybe one day we can run away to Australia or Europe.

Who knows if Alex is my "soul mate" or whatever, but he is definitely someone I want to keep with me for the rest of my life, especially in my music.