Addicted to Poison

Do you know how it feels to be so madly in love with poison? To be so madly in love with the one thing that makes you feel both alive and as though you're dying at the same time? Time and time again, you have blown me to bits and walked away as if I never mattered. And time and time again, I pulled myself back together and kept on loving you regardless of the pain. I'm in love with something so unhealthy, and that has been my entire life. But I don't want that to change. I need it to change, but I don't want it to change. I want to love you. I want to be the one thing in your life that has never left. I have done everything, given you everything, and yet nothing has changed. That's why we can't be together. Not because you've hurt me too much for me to love you. Not because I don't want to. But because I've learned some sort of self preservation. Being together won't work because nothing has changed. You will never stop pushing me away. You will never let me help you. You will only keep hurting me because in your eyes I can do better. And I know I can. I can do much better than you. But I never wanted to. But I'm trying. I'm trying because you haven't given me a choice. And now you're in pain because you regret what you've done once again. And maybe giving you distance or disappearing from your life all together would be better for you. But I don't care what's better for you because it's not what I want. You have put yourself first for so long and now I don't care about your feelings, only my own. I want you here, with me, always. One way or another, I want you as a key part of my life because you are my person. No matter how much pain you put me in, that won't change.

Falling

I'm drowning in my thoughts tonight. Crying sounds nice, but not with Megan in the room. I want to curl up with someone but my someone isn't here. I feel like I've fucked up big time, I'm so alone and can't go to anyone. I'm getting bad again. All I can do is hope things will get better because I'm losing sight of the good place I was at.

Irreplaceable

It was a sad day when I realized not everyone has a friend like Alex. Most people have that "best friend" they say they would do anything for that means everything to them and that they couldn't live without. But none of those words compare to Alex and I. I have driven to through hurricanes for this man, I've driven 15 hours straight through the night for this man. I have broken rules and gone against my parents and sacrificed relationships for him. There is not a single thing I would not do for him, and that includes putting my life on the line. I would trust him with my life, and I know he would do the same. I've given him a place to crash countless times and I've defended every ill-spoken word against him. He's the one that comes to my rescue, even when I don't need saving. He doesn't offer to beat people up for me, he offers to help me hide the bodies. He offers to take emergency leave from the Marine Corp. when I get dumped. I am one of only two people that he completely trusts in this world and one night while I was driving us home, he turned to me and admitted he's always afraid I will replace him when he's gone. He thinks he's nothing special and we will just find some other crazy son of a bitch to take his place. I nearly crashed the car. Alex is, without a doubt, THE most important person in my life. He has seen me go through everything, and though he may not always agree with my courses of action, he is the only person that has stuck by me through it all. He is the only person I don't feel the need to be territorial over, because I know I'll never lose him no matter what. I am 100% confident in my relationship with him, and that is something I have never been able to say about anyone else. He started out as my Creeper and has grown over the years into my Marine. The fact that I have told boyfriends that if they have a problem with how close Alex and I are, they can either suck it up or leave says just how important he is to me. Recently I've realized why my friendship with Alex has always seemed so different and special. And that is because it is not a friendship at all. We are not just friends, and he's not quite my brother. He is so much more, and it's time to figure out just what that means.

No Fear

Some people say opening yourself up to a new relationship is hard and scary because it's someone knew and you don't know if you can trust them. To me that's the exciting part. I like the challenge of getting to know someone, being able to read them at s glance. I don't have anything to hide after being hurt so much, so I'm not afraid of being let down. Even after I start to fall. And that's where I am right now. I'm falling. I like Erick a lot. We're getting closer. We want to talk more, see each other more. We're growing more comfortable with each other. It's been almost 3 months and things couldn't be going any better. And right now, I'm about to go to bed surrounded in his smell. And that is the next best thing to going to bed, wrapped up in his arms.

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Something New

Laying on his stomach, looking him in the eye, telling him the thoughts running through my mind. He's so innocent compared to me, he can't imagine the pain I've felt. Yet somehow he gets it. He sees right through me and can see what I need. He doesn't offer advice, he doesn't offer criticism, just understanding and support. He's a nice guy, something I'm not used to. We are what a normal relationship should be, something I never thought I would have. He makes me happy, a kind of happy I never thought I'd be.

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Calmer Waters

The past six months have been amazing for me. I've grown to be true to myself. My views on a lot of things have changed and I've learned not to let fear hold me back. I no longer fear pain in any sense. I don't fear the future, whatever happens is meant to happen. I don't compare myself as much to other girls. I say "as much" because it is human nature to compare yourself to others. However, my self worth and self esteem have been nearly completely restored, and my self image problems have dissolved to a minimum. I'm not sure they will ever completely go away, but I'm happy with myself for now, and that's what matters. I am more the person I want to be than ever before. I have grown more in the past 6 months than ever before. I am legitimately happy for the first time in years. To top it all off, I found a guy that makes me even happier. I wasn't looking, I wasn't trying, I was just fine on my own. But that's the best kind, the unexpected. He makes me melt. There is so much I could say about him, there's too much in fact, that none of it will come out.

When Broken Is Easily Fixed

I'm happy. I'm whole. I'm no longer broken like I was for a long time. I'm confident and I'm proud and I'm a better person and I like who I'm becoming. I realized another big change yesterday too. I was telling my dad about a guy I like. I described this guy, and finished it by saying "I think you'd like him." That was when I realized I'm not looking to rebel against my parents anymore. I'll still stands up for what I want and what I believe in, but I want them to be happy with me. I want them to like the next guy I bring home. I want a genuinely nice guy that will be kind to my mother and talk politics with my father, play video games with my older sister and talk about sports with my younger sister. I want someone that will fit in with my family. And that is new for me. That shows how far I've come. Oh M.E. why are you not in the place for a relationship?

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I'm Ready

I am so ready for something to ACTUALLY work out with a guy. Zach fizzled out, Erick just wanted a hookup, I'm not really just looking for fun anymore. I'm still not really looking for anything, but an actual relationship would be nice. Can a meet a guy over the summer and have things work? Is that a thing that can happen? Cause that would be great. I am ready for a relationship. Not for anything serious quite yet, but something low key that can develop into something more. Why can I not just find a nice guy? Is that really so hard? No, probably not, it's probably just not possible in the places I've been looking. I just want to get out of school, get my bar tending license, and spend my summer life guarding and pouring drinks. It really all sounds so great and I'm so ready. I'll be honest and say I'm a little nervous for bar tending, but it'll be fun. I'll make sure of it. And it will be great money and great experience. Not to mention a fantastic way to meet people. I really just want to get out and do SOMETHING. I really haven't done much this semester. Granted, I met a lot of people, and had a lot of parties, and went to a few, but I didn't actually do anything, and that needs to change. I want to do stuff. I need to find activities. That's why I'm excited to get back to work. School, hurry up and end. Nice guys, man up and show yourselves.

M.E.

I've been pretty ADD with guys since the breakup over four months ago. I look for potential in pretty much every guy I see. This past weekend was Spring Fling, so of course I was on the prowl for anything with potential, even though I felt as though I'm not ready to date. It was getting late Saturday night and I was starting to give up hope for anything. I wasn't really upset or anything, I just decided to let it go, not worry about it and focus more on having fun on the final night of Spring Fling. So I'm wandering around the Village with a group of guys, some I know, some I had just met, and we find some of their friends other places, and I find people I know, and all the sudden, there's a guy in our group, eyeing me. This guy happened to be someone I had been eyeing since the begining of freshman year. He lived in my best friend's dorm building last year, and we're both in the engineering school so I see him everywhere but we'd never actually met, and I didn't even know his name. But suddenly he's in my circle in Quad 5, eyeing me. I found myself ending my Spring Fling on my couch with this beautiful man who is everything I need and want in a guy, and I'm still wondering how this is possible. He is so different from Ryan in every way. He talks. He's an open book. He's upfront and honest. He's confident, and willing to make the first move without hesitation. He is so sweet, I can't even believe it. And he is unbelievably smooth. He's six foot four, and is more built than Nick. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and an amazing smile. We have so much in common and he understands everything that comes out of my mouth. I can't get over how I've had my eye on this guy for nearly two years, and now he has his eye on me. More than that. He's got me right where he wants me. And I am more than OK with that. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when Zach finds out, but he had his chance and took it nowhere. So I can't really feel bad. I really like Erick and that's what matters to me now.

How 'Bout No

You dumped me through a text after 2 years together, after 4 years of history. You dumped me through a text after 2 years, and got back together with your ex, my ex best friend, who you supposedly "hated". You deleted me from Facebook. You completely removed yourself from my life. Which I was fine with. Yes, there was some anger, and some depression, and some reevaluating what I could have done, what I did do, all that bullshit. But I was fine. I was never in the typical "breakup state" everyone expected, and I most certainly did not need you, and I proved that point easily. I was fine with everything that you did. Supposedly it was what you wanted, and what was best for you. Ok, cool. Fine. Whatever. But with what you did comes a long list of things you are not allowed to do.
1. You are not allowed to judge any of my choices from here on out.
2. You are not allowed to tell me what to do on any account.
3. You are not allowed to ask about how I'm doing or what I am up to.
4. You are not allowed to expect anything from me.
5. You are MOST CERTAINLY NOT allowed to inbox me a goddamned "thumbs up" on Facebook!
How stupid are you? You have no right to contact me after what you've done. You have no right to do anything regarding me ever again. You have no right to second guess your choices. You have no right to miss me. You have no right to try to get me back. You have no right to try and be friends, especially while still dating HER. You have no right. You have zero rights at all.
I was unsure if having you drop off the face of the earth was what was best for me. I didn't know if I would be ok with it, or if I would rather still have you around. Well now I know. I want you nowhere near me. I want you as far away as humanly possible. I want you to have zero contact with anyone I love, but I know that last one is too much to ask. My friends and family can do what they wish, they just need to keep me out of it. I would love so much to never see you, any of you, ever again. The memories are enough. It doesn't hurt. I really am fine. No. I'm better than fine. I am more me than I have ever been before. I'm happy. Without you. I'm sure you thought I'd be a disaster. How 'bout them apples, huh?

Separation

It will be nice dating someone who had an entire life before me. Someone who is completely new and unfamiliar to me. I want to have separate lives, and our own space, and to find common ground. I want to find the balance between my life and his, and how things all fit together. I want to have a fresh start with a stranger, someone I can watch bond with my sisters, and hopefully will have their own siblings for me to bond with. I want our families to welcome each other with open arms and for everyone to get along. I want a nice guy with good morals and a strong future, someone who will treat me right, in all the right ways, but still give me the fight I need. I want the fun and playful nights that don't have to end early because he has to get up for work at 4am. There is so much I want. The sad part is, it is impossible for me to have right now. I'm changing, I'm growing, and I can't drag someone through it with me. Who they want either isn't who I am, or wouldn't be me at the end of it all. But that's ok. I'm still only 19 years old. I'm just fine on my own for now. Maybe in the next year or two I'll find someone. It still probably won't be THE someone, but it will be another step in the right direction. Every day I learn more about love, life, and myself. I'm in the middle of some very big life choices, and a lot of good things will be happening for me in the next year as long as I stay on track. That is my focus for right now. My career, and future plans. Hopefully by my 20th birthday, I will be a licensed bartender with my very own car, probably working two jobs for the summer, hopefully one at the Webster, doing something music related. By the start of senior year, I hope to have my own apartment, living on my own. I've put a lot of thought into it, and as much as I don't want to live alone, it is probably the best thing to do. While it will mean paying for everything myself, it will also mean not relying on other people for anything. And I can make all the decisions on where to live and such by myself. I have big plans, big goals. As much as I want a guy by my side to help me along, I'm better off doing it alone.

Thoughts

Lately I keep asking myself why. It's not an answer I'll ever get, I know. And I'm sure it's an answer I would never want to know, but its a question I keep asking myself. Why? Why this? Why her? Why now? Why? I know I can do better, and I will. I know it's fine, because I am. I'm still happy with my life. I know I need to be on my own for a while. I'm changing. I'm going through a beautiful part of my life right now. It's something he could never have done with me. But after four years, I still wonder. Why? What changed? But I know the answer to that one.
Never tell a girl she's perfect. Never put her on a pedestal. Because one day, you will realize she's not perfect. You'll pull the pedestal out from under her. She will come crashing down. You'll be mad at her for not being who you thought. She will blame herself for not being good enough. And any kind relationship you ever wanted to have with each other will be doomed from there on out.
That's what changed between us. He finally realized I wasn't perfect. He decided my flaws were worse than his own, that I hurt him more than he ever hurt me, which is funny, because that's all he ever seemed to do, where as weeks before he left, he said I was the only good thing in his life. He decided he couldn't deal with it anymore. What I don't understand is why her? After everything, why her, why now, why go back on everything you said over the past two years? That's how I know I can do better. And I will. That's why I'm Ok. Because you're not worth it. No matter how many questions I ask myself, and how few answers I get, that will always remain to be true.

Over It

And that's when I realized I was over it. I didn't want to tell the story again. It wasn't because I didn't know this Stephen kid, I'd told the story to strangers before. It was because I really didn't want to go through it for the millionth time. I'm over it. It is officially over and I don't want to go back. I'm over all the shit that happened from the Myers, Mike, all the way to the Snake Room drama. It's all over. I've taken what I can from it. It doesn't control me anymore. And not wanting to tell the story again is how I realized this. Because since it happened, that's all I've done. I've just told more and more people about what happened. It never got old to me. But now, it has. It bores me. I left out details because I didn't care. And I realized I was stupid to let the whole thing happen anyway. Because none of it was worth it. I don't regret anything, because I can't imagine not having gone through it, but I really did just sit back and let it happen. I didn't actively try to stop it or avoid it. But it's over. It's actually over. And I think that's what I can't get over now. I'm so much expecting to have the other half start something new. But the thing is, even if they did, they don't have any ties to me anymore. I have my friends, they have theirs, and I go back to school next weekend. It really doesn't matter. So I'm gonna take Duffek's advice, because he knows that he's talking about, even though it was my plan even before talking to him today. I'm going to focus on my music. I'm going to throw myself into school, my music, and getting a job, and a car, and really making something of myself. I've been doing well, but I could do better. I know that much. I need to do something that isn't nothing. I'm ready to work hard. I'm ready to be busy and earn something for myself. I'm ready to become my own person that I can really be proud of. I want to make a name for myself outside of my town where everyone knows me because I'm fifth generation. I want to make a difference. Somehow. And that all starts this semester.

It's Not A Sad Story

It's not a sad story. It's not the end of the world. I thought he was someone, and I was wrong. It happens. Shit happens. You learn to move on. He'd been such a focus in my life for four years that it's a little hard, it hurts a lot, but I'm not alone. I'll be just fine. I am just fine. He didn't break me. He helped me and left. He made a choice. I hope he regrets it. I hope he reconsiders his choices. I hope he comes crawling back just so I can kick him in the face and send him running for the hills. You don't do what he did to me. You just don't. You don't make yourself into everything for a girl. You don't take on her trauma from being abused and make it your problem, and heal her, just to dump her two years later via text message. You don't promise her forever, and then dump her for your ex, who just happens to be her ex best friend. You just don't do shit like that. But hey, I'm the childish one, according to you, so what do I know? But in the long run, none of it matters. I learned a lot, and now I have the rest of my life to find someone who is actually worth my time. I'm only nineteen after all. I've got plenty of time. I got the awkward first time out of the way. I don't regret it either. Because there was a time I cared. I gave everything I had to someone I really truly loved, and cared for. So things changed. Big whoop. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It was a learning experience, and it helped me grow as a person, but also as a songwriter. It introduced me to new feelings and emotions and increased the intensity of my happiness, my depression, and my anger. I know more about myself now than ever before. I know more about life itself than ever before. I've learned more of what I need, and learned that when it comes to the man I will one day marry, what I need is more important than what I want. My values haven't changed, but my standards have. And I think the way I go about things have changed as well. It seems he has found where he belongs, and it's in a place I tried so desperately to fit, but never could. But I did it for him. I know that much. Yet now, I have amazing friends, some I had before him, some I made during my time with him. And there will be many more to come. It's not a sad story. It's a series of odd events that pulled me out of the hole high school put me in. I don't want him to wonder of I'm ok, because I'm not the needy girl he thinks I am. I don't want sympathy because I'm not some poor, distraught, lost little girl that just saw her first "love" shattered before her very eyes. The truth is, my gut told me the whole time that we weren't for real. All along, I knew there was some dark secret hidden in him, something that he wasn't saying. And all along, I knew I could do better, that I deserved better.  It's not a sad story. It's the same story you hear every day. So don't be so condescending and stop acting like you care.

New Year's Resolution

I've been though a lot of shit in the past 6 years. From various types of abuse to bullying and constantly losing friends, I've been through a lot. I would be lying if I said it didn't effect me. It does. I have a short fuse. I overreact about situations that aren't as big as I make them out to be. I worry about every little thing and find it hard to see the bright side to most situations. But now that Ryan's gone and I'm officially out of the circle that caused so much trouble for me in high school, I'm finding things a lot easier. I've taken a good look at my life and realized a lot of things. I'm changing. I want to be a happier, more free person. And I'm starting to not care so much. I'm making progress with my performance anxiety, which has been a long time goal of mine, and I'm dancing and being weird more just because I flippin' can! But the biggest thing I think is not letting this break up keep me down. Of course I have my moments where I want to cry, I want to go through his facebook and all that, but I don't. I suddenly have a lot more will power than ever before, as well as more confidence and self-esteem. And the bright side I've found to all of this bullshit? It's given me loads of ammunition for new songs. I wrote one tonight in under two hours, and I have enough for at least two more. It's been about a month since the breakup and I didn't think the timing was good at first, but now I can't imagine a better time. With the new year here, its the perfect time to change.