[brad]

brad just called me. out of the blue. naturally, i got worried, like something, but he just asked me how much tickets are for the talent show friday, and to tell me that he's giving me the shirt money tomorrow. i started to relax after that, thinking he just didnt want to text. then he dropped the bomb. he might be moving. shot through the heart. he cant move. he just cant. he's my brother, ive known him for over 10 years, he cant move. i wont let him. he told me not to tell anyone, he'll tell them if the time actually comes. i guess that means im the only one or the first one he told, which makes me feel great, maybe i know something that ashley doesnt know, or maybe he just told me because he knows i dont like how he never talks to me. who knows. but im not saying a word to anyone. i just told him that id clean out a room in the barn for him. i cant believe this. he cant move. he just cant. i cant imagine not having him around anymore.

[talent show]

PARALLAX made it to the second round of the talent show. I can't say I'm surprised, but I'm happy about it. I really think we have a shot at winning based on everyone's reactions. But I can't help but wonder how much attention winning would get us, and whether or not Alex would want to go along with it because of Swim The Mind. The last thing I want to do is steal him from them, but replacing Alex would be impossible. But could you believe if we got signed after this?? Probably WAYYYY overlooking things, but I can't help but think about it. I want it to happen so bad. Nothing would ever beat that. Leaving home at 16 with a record deal? There's nothing better. Not for me. I'm sure Alex would agree too. Even if we got a sponsor, that would be amazing. I feel kinda bad because school has been slipping, but I'm feeling incredibly confident about Parallax. No matter what happens, Alex and I are going to keep going with this, even if Ashley and Amanda bale.

[Penguins and Dodos]

Alex and I flirt more and more these days, and the more it hurts, but the happier I get. I love having this feeling. I blush when I talk about him to Ashley, or to anyone for that matter. No matter what I do, he's in my head, and I want him there. He teases me now, but its cute. I never thought the day would come when I'd call a guy cute, but like Ricky, to me Alex is cute. He's a little kid at heart, and it's so easy to see when he's behind his set, or if you know how to talk to him to act like it, which, I'm pretty damn good at. I can't wait till next sunday. I'm going to get soup with just Alex and Adam. Just the three of us. Afterwards, we're going back to the studio and just jamming all day. I'm so stoked. Yes, I just used the word stoked. Alex makes me happier than I've been in a long time, happier than I ever have been with ryan. It's crazy, and it scares the living daylights out of me, but it's true. Alex makes any bad feeling melt away into nonexistence. Part of me wishes he would just talk to me about how he feels, so everything would be in the open, but the other part of me wishes we could just stay this way forever. I guess I'm afraid that once the chase is over, it won't be as fun, that I'll lose interest. Not too unreasonable. I know the time is growing closer though. I know this won't last forever, and the more I talk to him, the closer he gets to telling me.

[Marcus Alexander Giosa]

It's Alex. Everywhere I turn, he's there. He's the center of all my thoughts. He's what I day dream about. I fear I'm in denial, that I'm not really emotionally independent. I feel like maybe I've just latched onto the idea of him. I know it's bad and wrong and whatever, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if I WANT to do anything about it. Alex makes me happy. He's a great friend, even if there is something else there. I just want this day to be over. I want to go to guitar center with Alex. Amanda's coming, unfortunately, but we also need the practice before hand. Amanda tends to ruin Alex time. I like one-on-one time with Alex. It just works so well Amanda is so high maintenance. Sometimes I wish I could just kick her out of the band. I wonder how well things would work if it was just me and Alex. Me singing and playing guitar, Alex on drums. Just a thought, but it's one that makes you wonder, you know?

[blank planet]

we had a snow day today, and i spent it talking to alex, from around 1 this after noon till now. i have to say, in person would have been better, but it definitely made me feel better. i was in a mood this morning, but im definitely not now. alex makes me happy. maybe happier than he should for our...arrangement, ill call it. its obvious things are mutual, and it makes me wonder if he sees it too. there was so much flirting initiated by him today, so im sure he knows. too bad its soooo forbidden. if he knows, i wonder if he knows that i do too. maybe hes making himself obvious? who knows. who cares. im happy with the way things are. im one of the only 3 people he txts on a regular basis. hes always happy to talk to me. when he brought me soup last, he said id had been too long since we'd hung out. i feel bad for him tho. he really wants a girlfriend. i good one. he hasnt had one in 4 years. actually, he hasnt had one period in 4 years. now hes looking, and getting nowhere. id be willing to bed that if i were atleast 18, he'd ask me. and part of me wishes i was 18. but at the same time, idk. i love alex. i do. and i do like him. honestly. but idk. hes a great guy, hands down. who knows. who knows what will happen in the future. alex understands everything. alex always makes me feel better. alex makes my music sound that much better. alex means that much to me, and i hope he knows that i would never take him for granted.

[solving]

life is a bitch, and people are ass holes. this concepts are true, and in every aspect, inevitable. you just need to know which fights are worth fighting, and what ass holes are worth fighting for. you also need to know when to take a break from the fighting and take a breather, wether its what other people want from you. ryan is still mad and me trying to talk to him only makes it worse. he says i dont understand, and hes right, i really dont. i wish he would explain it to me, but he wont, so theres nothing i can do but wait and hope that we'll be ok at some point. until then, im focusing on my own personal issues. i need to stabalize myself before i worry about what other people want. for once im putting myself first. ryan doesnt get this because he doesnt know. my parents are happy about this, and erin agrees. ashley says its good im trying to be happy with myself and not happy based on other people, but we all know that she thinks im being selfish and not caring enough about my problem with ryan. honestly, i dont care. when ryan wants to fix things, we will. but my mental state has gone uncared for for too long now, and i need to fix that before fixing anything else. i need to become emotionally independant. i need to get my grades up. i need to be happy with myself. and right now im not. ryan can wait. on the bright side, i have alex who will do anything for me. ive been thinking about him alot lately. my problem with always having to like someone? yea...right now alex giosa is that guy. i dont have a problem with it anymore. i dont care anymore. the age thing doesnt bother me. ive done alot of my own thinking, and what i worried about before doesnt apply anymore. alex has been there for me and hes a great outlet. whatever feelings i may have for him and that he has for me can do whatever they want, im not controling them anymore. its too hard to manage everything at once, and so im just giving up. id rather be happy then problem free because problem free is impossible. there will always be something. ryan is right about that. there is always something. the difference now is that im not gonna let one something affect how i feel and act unless its a major something. if its one problem with one person, im gonna keep being happy and just try to fix things, just like im trying to do with ryan. however, right now, i have more than one problem so being happy is hard. today was good because me and ashley got so much work done on the songs which always helps, but i still have more issues, and i still have to deal with ryan. but one thing at a time, and i go first for once. im making 2011 my year. ive focused on other people problems all through middle school and high school and i think ive earned a break to deal with myself. i will always worry and care about ryan and brad and everyone, always, but that doesnt mean i cant take care of myself first. ill just keep my issues to myself and pretend they're not there until they really arent there anymore. self-evaluations are always a challenge, and this time it came at a really bad time, but ill get through it. i know i will. i always do. theres nothing i cant handle. however, theres nothing thats gonna keep me from saying i wish it was all easier. its always one thing after another, but thats what i get. ryans anger towards me is self inflicted, and i intend to accept full responsibility for whatever it is i may have done. but im not too worried of whats to come for me and him, altho i do worry how long it will take for us to mend, if it ever happens. im gonna crash now. i cant be falling asleep tomorrow night at the studio with alex. apparently adam will be there too. joy...oh well. it will still be a "party" as alex put it :P

[return]

id been better all day. it didnt hurt as much, and i didnt have the urge to cry, but because don just came in my room and decided to be an ass about my grades and reminded me hes taking my phone tomorrow, im back to where i was. i need to snap out of it and fix things. i guess ill just duck my head down and work until my grades are better. then ill worry about ryan. that way he has time to get better so maybe hes not so mad at me and we can move on.

[alone]

theres so much i wish i could change. theres so much i wish i could undo. theres so much i wish i could unsay. but i know. just like everyone else. that thats damn well impossible. as much as i hate it. as much as i want it. theres no going back. theres no changing. whats done is done. its all my fault, and ive accepted that. ive accepted, now the next step is to keep moving through the mess i made on my own. it wont be easy. im on my own. the problem is with ryan. ashley is effected. i refuse to turn to the breakfast club. amanda cant handle it. im on my own. im free standing. its like a flashback to last year. only this time its worse. ryan wont talk to me. for the first time ever he told me he doesnt want to talk to me. and i need help. surgery 2 weeks ago, i cant walk. i go back to school tuesday, and i need someone to walk me around. im gonna text ryan tomorrow and ask him if i need to find someone else. ill have brad take his place if he says yes. it will hurt alot, but if thats what i need to do then ill do it. ive always said id do anything for him and i meant it. even if it hurts me in the process. id do anything for him. and this time. i hurt him first i guess. i owe him. i was a bitch. i let myself get to me. i told myself i wouldnt. and i did. i cause my own problems. im gonna show him that i can change. or that i can atleast try. i just hope its not too late. i dont know how badly i fucked up but i know i looked pretty stupid. i act like i dont care, but they are all my friends. the best friends i could have. and i was a bitch. i acted like i didnt need them, like i didnt appreciate them. what i did was not ok, and i know that. i know i know i know. but theres nothing i can do now but wait it out and hope it gets better fast. because this seriously sucks. and i hate it.