How 'Bout No

You dumped me through a text after 2 years together, after 4 years of history. You dumped me through a text after 2 years, and got back together with your ex, my ex best friend, who you supposedly "hated". You deleted me from Facebook. You completely removed yourself from my life. Which I was fine with. Yes, there was some anger, and some depression, and some reevaluating what I could have done, what I did do, all that bullshit. But I was fine. I was never in the typical "breakup state" everyone expected, and I most certainly did not need you, and I proved that point easily. I was fine with everything that you did. Supposedly it was what you wanted, and what was best for you. Ok, cool. Fine. Whatever. But with what you did comes a long list of things you are not allowed to do.
1. You are not allowed to judge any of my choices from here on out.
2. You are not allowed to tell me what to do on any account.
3. You are not allowed to ask about how I'm doing or what I am up to.
4. You are not allowed to expect anything from me.
5. You are MOST CERTAINLY NOT allowed to inbox me a goddamned "thumbs up" on Facebook!
How stupid are you? You have no right to contact me after what you've done. You have no right to do anything regarding me ever again. You have no right to second guess your choices. You have no right to miss me. You have no right to try to get me back. You have no right to try and be friends, especially while still dating HER. You have no right. You have zero rights at all.
I was unsure if having you drop off the face of the earth was what was best for me. I didn't know if I would be ok with it, or if I would rather still have you around. Well now I know. I want you nowhere near me. I want you as far away as humanly possible. I want you to have zero contact with anyone I love, but I know that last one is too much to ask. My friends and family can do what they wish, they just need to keep me out of it. I would love so much to never see you, any of you, ever again. The memories are enough. It doesn't hurt. I really am fine. No. I'm better than fine. I am more me than I have ever been before. I'm happy. Without you. I'm sure you thought I'd be a disaster. How 'bout them apples, huh?

Separation

It will be nice dating someone who had an entire life before me. Someone who is completely new and unfamiliar to me. I want to have separate lives, and our own space, and to find common ground. I want to find the balance between my life and his, and how things all fit together. I want to have a fresh start with a stranger, someone I can watch bond with my sisters, and hopefully will have their own siblings for me to bond with. I want our families to welcome each other with open arms and for everyone to get along. I want a nice guy with good morals and a strong future, someone who will treat me right, in all the right ways, but still give me the fight I need. I want the fun and playful nights that don't have to end early because he has to get up for work at 4am. There is so much I want. The sad part is, it is impossible for me to have right now. I'm changing, I'm growing, and I can't drag someone through it with me. Who they want either isn't who I am, or wouldn't be me at the end of it all. But that's ok. I'm still only 19 years old. I'm just fine on my own for now. Maybe in the next year or two I'll find someone. It still probably won't be THE someone, but it will be another step in the right direction. Every day I learn more about love, life, and myself. I'm in the middle of some very big life choices, and a lot of good things will be happening for me in the next year as long as I stay on track. That is my focus for right now. My career, and future plans. Hopefully by my 20th birthday, I will be a licensed bartender with my very own car, probably working two jobs for the summer, hopefully one at the Webster, doing something music related. By the start of senior year, I hope to have my own apartment, living on my own. I've put a lot of thought into it, and as much as I don't want to live alone, it is probably the best thing to do. While it will mean paying for everything myself, it will also mean not relying on other people for anything. And I can make all the decisions on where to live and such by myself. I have big plans, big goals. As much as I want a guy by my side to help me along, I'm better off doing it alone.

Thoughts

Lately I keep asking myself why. It's not an answer I'll ever get, I know. And I'm sure it's an answer I would never want to know, but its a question I keep asking myself. Why? Why this? Why her? Why now? Why? I know I can do better, and I will. I know it's fine, because I am. I'm still happy with my life. I know I need to be on my own for a while. I'm changing. I'm going through a beautiful part of my life right now. It's something he could never have done with me. But after four years, I still wonder. Why? What changed? But I know the answer to that one.
Never tell a girl she's perfect. Never put her on a pedestal. Because one day, you will realize she's not perfect. You'll pull the pedestal out from under her. She will come crashing down. You'll be mad at her for not being who you thought. She will blame herself for not being good enough. And any kind relationship you ever wanted to have with each other will be doomed from there on out.
That's what changed between us. He finally realized I wasn't perfect. He decided my flaws were worse than his own, that I hurt him more than he ever hurt me, which is funny, because that's all he ever seemed to do, where as weeks before he left, he said I was the only good thing in his life. He decided he couldn't deal with it anymore. What I don't understand is why her? After everything, why her, why now, why go back on everything you said over the past two years? That's how I know I can do better. And I will. That's why I'm Ok. Because you're not worth it. No matter how many questions I ask myself, and how few answers I get, that will always remain to be true.

Over It

And that's when I realized I was over it. I didn't want to tell the story again. It wasn't because I didn't know this Stephen kid, I'd told the story to strangers before. It was because I really didn't want to go through it for the millionth time. I'm over it. It is officially over and I don't want to go back. I'm over all the shit that happened from the Myers, Mike, all the way to the Snake Room drama. It's all over. I've taken what I can from it. It doesn't control me anymore. And not wanting to tell the story again is how I realized this. Because since it happened, that's all I've done. I've just told more and more people about what happened. It never got old to me. But now, it has. It bores me. I left out details because I didn't care. And I realized I was stupid to let the whole thing happen anyway. Because none of it was worth it. I don't regret anything, because I can't imagine not having gone through it, but I really did just sit back and let it happen. I didn't actively try to stop it or avoid it. But it's over. It's actually over. And I think that's what I can't get over now. I'm so much expecting to have the other half start something new. But the thing is, even if they did, they don't have any ties to me anymore. I have my friends, they have theirs, and I go back to school next weekend. It really doesn't matter. So I'm gonna take Duffek's advice, because he knows that he's talking about, even though it was my plan even before talking to him today. I'm going to focus on my music. I'm going to throw myself into school, my music, and getting a job, and a car, and really making something of myself. I've been doing well, but I could do better. I know that much. I need to do something that isn't nothing. I'm ready to work hard. I'm ready to be busy and earn something for myself. I'm ready to become my own person that I can really be proud of. I want to make a name for myself outside of my town where everyone knows me because I'm fifth generation. I want to make a difference. Somehow. And that all starts this semester.

It's Not A Sad Story

It's not a sad story. It's not the end of the world. I thought he was someone, and I was wrong. It happens. Shit happens. You learn to move on. He'd been such a focus in my life for four years that it's a little hard, it hurts a lot, but I'm not alone. I'll be just fine. I am just fine. He didn't break me. He helped me and left. He made a choice. I hope he regrets it. I hope he reconsiders his choices. I hope he comes crawling back just so I can kick him in the face and send him running for the hills. You don't do what he did to me. You just don't. You don't make yourself into everything for a girl. You don't take on her trauma from being abused and make it your problem, and heal her, just to dump her two years later via text message. You don't promise her forever, and then dump her for your ex, who just happens to be her ex best friend. You just don't do shit like that. But hey, I'm the childish one, according to you, so what do I know? But in the long run, none of it matters. I learned a lot, and now I have the rest of my life to find someone who is actually worth my time. I'm only nineteen after all. I've got plenty of time. I got the awkward first time out of the way. I don't regret it either. Because there was a time I cared. I gave everything I had to someone I really truly loved, and cared for. So things changed. Big whoop. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It was a learning experience, and it helped me grow as a person, but also as a songwriter. It introduced me to new feelings and emotions and increased the intensity of my happiness, my depression, and my anger. I know more about myself now than ever before. I know more about life itself than ever before. I've learned more of what I need, and learned that when it comes to the man I will one day marry, what I need is more important than what I want. My values haven't changed, but my standards have. And I think the way I go about things have changed as well. It seems he has found where he belongs, and it's in a place I tried so desperately to fit, but never could. But I did it for him. I know that much. Yet now, I have amazing friends, some I had before him, some I made during my time with him. And there will be many more to come. It's not a sad story. It's a series of odd events that pulled me out of the hole high school put me in. I don't want him to wonder of I'm ok, because I'm not the needy girl he thinks I am. I don't want sympathy because I'm not some poor, distraught, lost little girl that just saw her first "love" shattered before her very eyes. The truth is, my gut told me the whole time that we weren't for real. All along, I knew there was some dark secret hidden in him, something that he wasn't saying. And all along, I knew I could do better, that I deserved better.  It's not a sad story. It's the same story you hear every day. So don't be so condescending and stop acting like you care.

New Year's Resolution

I've been though a lot of shit in the past 6 years. From various types of abuse to bullying and constantly losing friends, I've been through a lot. I would be lying if I said it didn't effect me. It does. I have a short fuse. I overreact about situations that aren't as big as I make them out to be. I worry about every little thing and find it hard to see the bright side to most situations. But now that Ryan's gone and I'm officially out of the circle that caused so much trouble for me in high school, I'm finding things a lot easier. I've taken a good look at my life and realized a lot of things. I'm changing. I want to be a happier, more free person. And I'm starting to not care so much. I'm making progress with my performance anxiety, which has been a long time goal of mine, and I'm dancing and being weird more just because I flippin' can! But the biggest thing I think is not letting this break up keep me down. Of course I have my moments where I want to cry, I want to go through his facebook and all that, but I don't. I suddenly have a lot more will power than ever before, as well as more confidence and self-esteem. And the bright side I've found to all of this bullshit? It's given me loads of ammunition for new songs. I wrote one tonight in under two hours, and I have enough for at least two more. It's been about a month since the breakup and I didn't think the timing was good at first, but now I can't imagine a better time. With the new year here, its the perfect time to change.

Struggling

I guess I have my own way of self-harming. I stop eating. I've been in a funk the past few days and I haven't been eating, and last night I fell into a full blown depression spell. Fantastic. Thing's have been going fine, but I feel alone. Like no one cares. I'm no one's priority. So I do nothing. And I stop eating. I don't mean to, I'm not proud of it, but I also don't care that much. I eat when I have to. I went 48 hours with no food, so I woke up and ate some pineapple slices. 120 calories. It should hold me over for a few hours. I just want to sleep forever. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to see people. But I have to. I'm at school, not at home. I have obligations I can't miss. I have to keep living life despite what my head wants me to do. And that's how I know it'll be fine. It always is, because I make it that way. I've never let myself fall in so deep I can't keep functioning to some degree. Although I usually fight it. I'm not fighting this time. I just don't care. I can't. I'm so burnt out over the past month, I don't know what to do with myself.