[takeover]

nik is taking over my head! ahhh! i always want to text him, but im always afraid he doesnt want to talk to me cause he hardly ever starts it. meanwhile my thoughts are half on ryan cause i still like him. what do i do!!!

[problematic]

my mind is stuck in a mood. i cant be happy, i cant feel anything but this. i need to be alone, but at the same time its not a good idea for me to think about it. i worry for ryan. i hate seeing him like this. i havent really talked to him since school. i feel horrible and i dont think im really helping. i feel like i make things worse because i tell him whats going on with amanda. i know its not helping him when i say amanda thinks hes mad at her. he has enough to deal with. why cant i do anything right? there it is, the one thing everyone hates to hear from someone else. my parents hate it when i say it, and so does ryan, but right now, thats how i feel. i feel neglected. erin has so much freedom and i dont get shit. everything about the party in june is about her, and im afraid my parents wont let me have alot of people over because 'its erins party not yours' and all that bull shit. well earth to mom and don! im turning 16 to! that party is just as much mine as it is erins! im angry alot lately, things dont go my way and i get mad. well, things really arent going my way and im pissed. parents dont care, i cant help ryan, i hate being away from the guys. amandas getting slightly annoying too. shes always complaining about what ryans doing. why cant she just go to him and ask him straight up? ryans right, why cant more girls be like me? i hate it because shes too quite to do anything for herself. she comes to me for everything and can never talk to the other person involved. on top of everything, my feelings for ryan are growing back up again. my head is so chaotic right now its ridiculous. i need summer now.

[overdose]

earlier this week chris said i was gorgeous. weird right? but hes a guy ya know? what are you gonna do. today, ryan came up from behind and rapped one arm around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. again, weird much? i get the feeling he still likes me, but i know he likes cindy, and idk anymore. i know we shouldnt go out, thats just one hell of a bad idea, but i always go back to wondering if i have a shot with him. its easy to conceal my emotions for him, but im worried for him right now so its a little harder. with this whole ashlee thing hes not doing well and he wont let me help. he doesnt want me involved because he feels bad i always get sucked into things. who cares! whatever, i think i may take a nap cause im tired as shit.

[insane]

this is crazy. i had a bon fire last night at which i invited brad, ryan, zack, alex amanda and chris. chris couldnt come, and amanda left early, so for most if it, it was just me and the 4 guys, which was great. brad randomly gave me a piggyback ride to the house cause he wanted something to drink. ryan zack and brad went home together, so we only had to drop alex off at his house. on the way home from doing so, my mom said that her and kelsey agree, i should date brad. brad considers me his sister i think that would be impossible. plus i dont even like him. i told ryan, he started laughing and did the whole "hahaha ok..." think. i know he was thinking something, but he claims he wasnt. but the insane part of the whole thing, IM ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT IT NOW!!! its not like i have feelings for the guy, i mean i love him to death, hes like my brother, but other than that, theres nothing. so why am i thinking about it? cause maybe he likes me, idk, i know he did in the past, but i really have no clue. im gonna go start the day now. its gonna suck tho, cause my feet killed all day yesterday and now its raining. great end to a vacation...

[conflicted]

ive been watching victorious because i can. and it kinda depresses me. i feel like i should be in that position at academy in the fall, but no, the freakin lottery put me on the wait list. shoot me, please. ryan would flip if he knew i said that, but i dont care. i feel like things are changing between us. but maybe thats just me. i feel like now that me and amanda are closer, maybe shes right, maybe she is pulling me away from him, and i hate thinking that she may be right. but i may just be short tempered lately cause its probably nearing my time of the month. wouldnt be surprised. but even still, i feel like things are different. i think im falling for him again. no, scratch that, i know im falling for him again. today i was helping out in the snake room, as was he. and for one split second, our eyes connected, and a thought shot through my mind. i started thinking amanda was right, he really is hot. his eyes are beautiful too. i snapped myself out of it right away, but i couldnt help it. i want to be closer to him. i really want him to trust me and to know i can go to him for anything, but at the same time, hes not that kind of guy i dont think. sometimes i feel like i dont know him at all. theres alot more to him and people see and it angers me because right when i feel like i know him completely, he says or does something, and suddenly im lost again. hes so difficult and stubborn, but then again so am i. i have no idea what im doing anymore, im basically winging it. and he wont text me back! he said he got the munches and i started joking around like what had he been doing, and he didnt get it and i wouldnt explain it so he stopped talking to me like the big baby he is. but really, do i really need to spell it out for him? he knows more about that stuff than i do, it would be backwards if i had to explain things to him! but whatever im gonna go look for corky and then try to get some sleep even tho i took a 3 hour nap today.

[crazy]

lets see, whats happened lately? ryan broke up with amanda and i got left with cleaning up the mess as usual, but i dont mind, i never do. i met her mom, and that was a really fun 2 days. her step brother is really cool considering hes only in 8th grade. her little sister is crazy but it was fun, even tho it was kinda annoying. i had a blast at all states with nik, and victoria, my roommate, swore that he liked me, and i kinda got that feeling too. we havent talked much since tho, k, i just realized i had a dream about ryan griffin. oh shit. thats kinda scary but ok, i get to see him all summer in the pit band im playing in. that will be interesting. im still debating on whether or not i should invite nik in june. im still thinking about it.

so ive been helping amanda out alot with this whole thing with ryan, and she was doing better, but when she slept over, we found something on his page that she didnt like very much. someone who is alot of bad news. she says that she hates him for even talking to her and shes never gonna talk to him again. i told him this, and warned him about the girl, but hes only checking her out because of stuff hes heard and cause he trusts me. a little anyway. hes like my brother tho, so i cant help but care. i dont think i like him anymore, hes just a really important figure to me now. ive never been this close to a guy who isnt my boyfriend so to me this is kinda big and im not gonna lose him. so on top of all that, rajewski has found a way to get involved. he went with us on friday to the concert, and now he likes amanada. says hes had dreams about her before he met her. he also says hes changed, hes not all about the one thing he was always after. i dont know how he is with relationships, i might ask cindy and see what she says. im trying to convince amanda to give him a chance, just to get to know him. hes really nice when you get to know him. but i dont know, things seem to have calmed down after last night. its not too bad now, not at the moment, but its still crazy how much and what is going on.

[change]

i liked ryan, and really wanted to be with him. but after the conversation we had about it a while ago, i realized that wont ever happen. as for the reason, i dont really care. since then, i dont want to be with him anymore, but i do still like him, just not as much. hes still my best friend, that much hasnt changed. but other things have. i got my letter from academy last weekend. im number 46 on the wait list. a little depressing. but on the bright side, only 46 people have to say no and i get to go next year. but ill survive if i dont. other than the jazz aspect, i was using it as an escape from school. but now, i have great friends who actually care which is great. im not about to kill anyone, life is good. i talked to nik last night. kim told him about academy. he says hes so sorry and that it sucks. he said he'll give me a hug at all states next weekend. i told him its ok, that im not as desperate anymore, and that made him a little less sad, but it still sucks. after next week im wondering how close we'll be. im really hoping he does cys next year. that would be amazing. for a while, i had stopped liking him, but i do again. im realizing that i always have to like someone. idk why tho, i just do. im just a hopeless romantic like that i guess. life is good for the most part now, and im loving it. i have ryan, amanda, brad and chris, im getting a ball python in 2 months and i cant wait, my grades are good, the party in june is gonna be amazing with everyone staying the night, i might even invite nik if i think we're that close. also brad from germany wants to get everyone together this summer, which would be epic i cant wait. other than my constant pain, and my surgery in august, and not getting in to academy, things are great, and considering everything thats going on, thats not bad. this is the happiest ive been since 7th grade, i know said that last year with anthony but now im happier than i was last year, and its great. now i just need to know if jake got into academy.