[Reflection]

As my junior year comes to a close, and I only have 2 days of school left, I look back on the past year, and create a reflection. It was by far, the hardest year I've ever faced, but I also learned a lot. I've overcome more than people believed I could, but at the same time, the people who didn't believe in me where the ones who caused some of my obstacles. So I'm not sure what to say about that. Entering the year, I had a positive attitude, and a lot of friends, a very close friend in particular, and a whole lot of trust. Nearing the end, I have a few friends, who are mostly all close, a new very close friend in particular, an amazing boyfriend, a band, and very little trust, and a broken family. Despite all that I've been through, I still find a way to be positive. I'm not saying by any means that this year is the worst it could ever get, that I have the worst life possible. I'm simply saying this year has sucked. But from here on out, it should get better.

I'm at Mom's for the second night this week, and I'll be here at least one more night. It's getting better. I'm liking it more, and it's seeming a little more like home.

Right now, the only habit I want to change for next year is my procrastination. I want to actually get my work in on time, and not save it till the last minute. I went way overboard with procrastinating this year, its unbelievable, and I'm kicking myself for it.

[Living a NIghtmare]

I'm moving too fast for myself. I thought if I put in a ton of work, helping Mom move into the new house, maybe it would all be ok. but it's not. This is not how it's supposed to be. The dogs are supposed to be at the Palisado house. I'm only supposed to have one house. My parents were supposed to stay together. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but think about what I could have done to keep them together. They always promised we wouldn't be one of those families. This isn't home. Home has four bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, kitchen, Don's office, two bathrooms, two hallways and a second floor. A three bay garage not connected to the house. The red cupola. My barn. The greenhouses and twenty acres of land with a wrap around drive way. This? This is not a home. Not MY home anyway. I tried to accept things for what they were. I tried playing along. But with the way reality just hit me, I don't know if I can anymore.

[My Nightmare Becoming A Reality]

I'm spending the night at Mom's new house for the first time, and in all honesty, I'm scared. Just me, Mom and the dogs. This night will make it real. If you ask me how I am right now, I'll say fine. But I'm not. Everything is about to change. Erin's trying to deny it, but I can't. The only thing that helps is having Alex by my side, every step of the way, understanding every part of how I feel. There's no telling how I'll sleep tonight, in this new part of my life, in a new house, in a new bed. My new bed. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. Now I'm about to cry. I can't. I need to save it for after Mom goes to bed. I can't cry about what makes her happy, and after four years of her being depressed, I can't ruin that.

[Materialism]

In French, we're reading a book called Le Petit Prince. In this book, there is a character that believes owning many material possessions makes you wealthy. I guess this means that it's not only the U.S. that has turned to materialism. It's almost like a disease. Everyone wants to be cool, and cool means being like celebrities with the mot expensive things. it's all about being tangible. You could be the biggest jerk on the planet, but as long as you have more material possessions then you need, you're cool. I fail to see the point in this. I admit, I want a phone with a full keyboard, because texting on a flip phone is annoying, but I'm used to it. I don't NEED a change, I simply WANT one. The difference between me and other people is I don't go out on random shopping trips. I have all the cloths I need, and I'm not looking for more. Granted, I am in one of the most expensive industries out there: music. My upright bass, electric bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bass amp and guitar amp will come to about $10,000, but I also use them all. I play in several orchestras, plus a pit band with both basses, and I write music in my band with both guitars. I'm being productive with all of it, unlike my friend's dad who collects guitars and amps for fun, but can't play them at all. I drive a 1990 Chevy delivery van. I don't have a nice car like an ex band member. All in all, each and every one of us have material possessions we wouldn't want to lose, things we don't need, but some more than others. Sooner or later, U.S. culture is going to completely fall apart thanks to materialism.

[summer]

I'm feeling good today. I'm still a bit off but that's just because I'm still slacking in school. I need it to be over. Most of my classes are done though. I have no pre-calc, physics, or english finals, so I'm done in pre-calc aside from the quiz on friday. I still have to make up a test in physics and write 2 labs, and do the last project, but they I'm done. For english, I have to make up work, and do the final project but there's no final exam. For U.S. History, I have to take the final, I have to do my term paper, and make up work, boo hiss. French is winding down, and I have to take the final too, but I don't care about that class. Recording tech. may as well not have a final, let alone be graded at all. Then there's my psych final. I'll really have to study for that one. There's a lot of memorizing to do for that class. All in all, school is over because I just don't care. I really will study for my finals, but I'm just so burnt out it's ridiculous. I'm currently writing this in pre-clac listening to my ipod. It's finally june. How is it even possible to focus on school now? SAT's on saturday too. But then my party is next saturday and I turn 17 in a week!