[Gimpy]

I'm talking to Ryan again. I sent him an email, saying exactly how I feel, asking what happened last year, letting know how fucked up I am right now, all of it. He keeps saying he's sorry for what he did. Things are going really well. He really is sorry, and he really does care, but there's more to it than that. He still likes me.

when ever I manage to see ur face, I look in your to see hurt and disgrace, of people picking up and throwing you down, like a broken doll with no heart to be found, but just no that there is someone that hasn't been around, that's watched all the fire burn your world down, and they knew they could do something but had no idea what cause they were part of the problem right from the start, and again and again they wish they could go back, way befor the mess that they shot into your chest, changing the way everything began, not just stopping it but putting to an end

That was his facebook status last night. I asked him about it today, and he didn't explain, he wanted to know why I was asking. I told him I thought he was hiding something, and I wanted to know what. He won't tell me till the time is right, and hes absolutely certain of what will happen after. Which tells me he still likes me and wants to tell me. Add another problem to my list.

Monster In The Closet

He harassed me in elementary school so I beat him up. We dated and he broke up with me. I relied on him, and he stabbed me in the back. I've forgiven him, but not because I wanted to. I've known him since first grade. We're in twelfth now. I've known him throughout my entire schooling career, and no matter what he does, or how hard I try, I just can't walk away. It doesn't even hurt anymore. I know one day we will stop talking, I know that sooner or later, there will be no more coming back to him. I'm not even sure if he cares much any more. But letting go of someone you've known nearly all your life is a hard thing to do. True, he doesn't even know my darkest secret, but he knows everything else.

So much has happened in the last year. We dated, He dated one of my best friends, he nearly dated my other best friend. That one friend convinced him and the rest of them to stab me in the back. Now, all is forgiven, simply because I just can't care any more. High School is high school. Afterwards, you meet new people and forget those you knew. He is my Monster in the Closet. Losing him forever scares me, because he has been a constant that just keeps coming back which is more than I can say for anyone else. He's dating one of my new close friends as of yesterday. He's having a party at his house on saturday that I wasn't invited to, but she wants me to go because she isn't comfortable with anyone else. He says I can, but I plan on pulling him aside and asking if it's really ok that I'm there. Things still aren't the same after last year. At first, I was planning on not even trying, but I miss it now. I want that friendship back. I'm prepared to hear that he doesn't want to get back to that, that it is awkward and weird having me there. I'm ready to hear it all, expecting it even. But I'm also hoping to have him say he wants to be that close again. I want to be that person he can count on no matter what. But he's always chosen someone else. Catalina, Ashley, and now Olivia. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'll ask him that too. It's not like I have anything to lose. I love being able to say that, because for once, I really don't care, because it's really true. I've lost them all once, I can totally do it again.

[PAIN]

Being sexually assaulted is something that follows a person for the rest of their life. It's a never ending pain that can always resurface, even when you think you're moving on. It's been 4 years. I was 12. I was in a relationship with this kid. I liked him for all the wrong reasons. I clung to him because everything in life was shit. And I got the shit kicked out of me. 4 years later, the pain is still fresh, as if it were just yesterday. Pain, because of what he did, but also because I blame myself. I got myself in that situation. How could I not have seen the real him? I was always so proud of how well I could read people, but I fell for this person's act. So much time has passed, and it hadn't hurt in such a long time, but seeing pictures of him with people I'm friendly with, him so happy, so close with these people, my heart races, my eyes well up ready to cry, I can't relax. It all comes rushing back. Since the night it happened, I've been able to stay away from him. No classes together, see him coming, walk the other way, it's been easy. This coming year, I see him every day for a semester, every other for the second semester. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this since just a picture on facebook tears me apart. I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I really do. Will there ever be an escape?

[Reflection]

As my junior year comes to a close, and I only have 2 days of school left, I look back on the past year, and create a reflection. It was by far, the hardest year I've ever faced, but I also learned a lot. I've overcome more than people believed I could, but at the same time, the people who didn't believe in me where the ones who caused some of my obstacles. So I'm not sure what to say about that. Entering the year, I had a positive attitude, and a lot of friends, a very close friend in particular, and a whole lot of trust. Nearing the end, I have a few friends, who are mostly all close, a new very close friend in particular, an amazing boyfriend, a band, and very little trust, and a broken family. Despite all that I've been through, I still find a way to be positive. I'm not saying by any means that this year is the worst it could ever get, that I have the worst life possible. I'm simply saying this year has sucked. But from here on out, it should get better.

I'm at Mom's for the second night this week, and I'll be here at least one more night. It's getting better. I'm liking it more, and it's seeming a little more like home.

Right now, the only habit I want to change for next year is my procrastination. I want to actually get my work in on time, and not save it till the last minute. I went way overboard with procrastinating this year, its unbelievable, and I'm kicking myself for it.

[Living a NIghtmare]

I'm moving too fast for myself. I thought if I put in a ton of work, helping Mom move into the new house, maybe it would all be ok. but it's not. This is not how it's supposed to be. The dogs are supposed to be at the Palisado house. I'm only supposed to have one house. My parents were supposed to stay together. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but think about what I could have done to keep them together. They always promised we wouldn't be one of those families. This isn't home. Home has four bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, kitchen, Don's office, two bathrooms, two hallways and a second floor. A three bay garage not connected to the house. The red cupola. My barn. The greenhouses and twenty acres of land with a wrap around drive way. This? This is not a home. Not MY home anyway. I tried to accept things for what they were. I tried playing along. But with the way reality just hit me, I don't know if I can anymore.

[My Nightmare Becoming A Reality]

I'm spending the night at Mom's new house for the first time, and in all honesty, I'm scared. Just me, Mom and the dogs. This night will make it real. If you ask me how I am right now, I'll say fine. But I'm not. Everything is about to change. Erin's trying to deny it, but I can't. The only thing that helps is having Alex by my side, every step of the way, understanding every part of how I feel. There's no telling how I'll sleep tonight, in this new part of my life, in a new house, in a new bed. My new bed. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. Now I'm about to cry. I can't. I need to save it for after Mom goes to bed. I can't cry about what makes her happy, and after four years of her being depressed, I can't ruin that.

[Materialism]

In French, we're reading a book called Le Petit Prince. In this book, there is a character that believes owning many material possessions makes you wealthy. I guess this means that it's not only the U.S. that has turned to materialism. It's almost like a disease. Everyone wants to be cool, and cool means being like celebrities with the mot expensive things. it's all about being tangible. You could be the biggest jerk on the planet, but as long as you have more material possessions then you need, you're cool. I fail to see the point in this. I admit, I want a phone with a full keyboard, because texting on a flip phone is annoying, but I'm used to it. I don't NEED a change, I simply WANT one. The difference between me and other people is I don't go out on random shopping trips. I have all the cloths I need, and I'm not looking for more. Granted, I am in one of the most expensive industries out there: music. My upright bass, electric bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bass amp and guitar amp will come to about $10,000, but I also use them all. I play in several orchestras, plus a pit band with both basses, and I write music in my band with both guitars. I'm being productive with all of it, unlike my friend's dad who collects guitars and amps for fun, but can't play them at all. I drive a 1990 Chevy delivery van. I don't have a nice car like an ex band member. All in all, each and every one of us have material possessions we wouldn't want to lose, things we don't need, but some more than others. Sooner or later, U.S. culture is going to completely fall apart thanks to materialism.