Survivor

I know what it is. I know why I've been so irritated lately. It's because of my head. Ever since I wrote that letter to Ryan, I've been stuck in my head, in that part of my head. I've been stuck on Mike. I've torn myself open and I'm letting parts of me see light for the first time ever. I'm very raw right now, and I'm learning how to deal with the things I'm finding. And its like my safety isn't even there. And that's my fault. I haven't really told him what's going on, and that's because I'm not fully aware myself. After Mike did what he did, I built up walls. I locked myself out. I decided to only see certain parts of myself. But now everything is out in the open, all at once. I'm not scared, I'm not overwhelmed, but it is a lot, and I am learning. It feels amazing. I can breathe. I can think. I can feel a sense of happy I don't remember ever feeling because its been so long. I'm seeing myself in a new way. Things I didn't like before I don't mind now. Things I didn't notice before I'm having a problem with now. But I'm finding it easier to change into what I want to be, because I really know what I am. I feel in control. But I'm easily irritated because I'm focused on what's going on in my head and not so much what's going on in reality. Reality is more stressful than my head for once. But I'm figuring it out. Maybe if Ryan decides to talk to me I'll explain this to him. But he is a grumpy little asshole when he's sick, so who knows what will happen.

Goal #2: Reflection

Ok, so this goal didn't go so well. It didn't go well at all. And I'm very happy it didn't. I woke up friday morning and pretty much caved right away. I looked at Ryan's Tumblr page and I'm glad I did. He had posted some "woe is me" bull shit all about how his life is so hard and all he does is fuck up and hurt the people he cares about and blah blah blah. Obviously, I lost it. I sent him a raging message on Facebook saying to stop throwing himself a damn pity party when HE dumped ME and has no right to be saying shit like that and feeling bad for himself and all this other shit. He messaged me back saying sorry he angered me and it wouldn't happen again. So I messaged him again and we went back and forth for a while and basically I ended up telling him to pull his head out of his ass and realize he still has friends that want to hear from him but if he keeps doing this shit we're all gonna walk away and he really will have no one. Well, that got his attention. So much so that when I mentioned having a fire later that night and that he could come, he actually did show up. And we talked all night. About everything. Why things ended, what's going on with both of us, what the future holds, everything. And right now, we're friends. And for now, that's all we can be. With my dad's cancer and not knowing what's going to happen, I can't make any sort of commitment right now. Plus not being able to trust Ryan's word on anything. And he knows how bad he fucked up. There's a good chance that I'll never get back with him. But at the same time, I really want to. But first things first, he needs to change. He needs to prove to me that this won't happen again. That he won't keep things bottled up everything, and that he'll actually start fighting for me and stuff like that. So we're just friends for now. But if I do decide that I want more than that, I have some ideas on how to proceed. But only after he proves he can handle it.

Goal #2

So now that I've gone one day without checking Ryan's social networking pages, I'm gonna aim for two. I'm hoping this won't be too hard since I have a 7 hour shift tomorrow followed by a fire with my friends, and then a 5 hour shift on Saturday. Hopefully I can keep myself pretty busy between all that, plus packing to go back to school in 10 days. I just need to focus on happy thoughts and things to look forward to, like going back to school, and the road trip. I can't wait for the road trip. Two days, here we go.

Goal #1 Reflection

So I said that I would try go to the entire day without looking at Ryan's facebook or instagram or anything, because I do it a lot since I'm so out of the loop with his life cause he dumped me and has disappeared, and it's really not healthy. I can't delete him or block him though, I'm not ready yet. So I made this goal. And I did it. I woke up this morning and did whatever I needed to do, I went out with friends and didn't get home till after 10:30 tonight without looking at his posts once. I caved once I got home, but then I sat down and wrote the second verse to my new breakup song, so I hardly count that as a fail, especially since the day was over. I'm proud of myself. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, but I challenged my self control and I won.

Amy - 1
Ryan - 0

Goal #1

So it's after midnight and I don't want to sleep because I keep having dreams about Ryan. Which stinks because I love sleeping. Plus I have the day off tomorrow so sleeping in is supposed to be an option. I had been doing so well for the first week, but then Don just HAD to get cancer again (I'm not actually blaming my dad for having cancer, I'm really messed up about it.) And now all I can think about is how I don't have the support of my best friend because he dumped me. So I'm gonna start making dailey goals for myself to help deal. The goal for tomorrow will be not to check Ryan's facebook or instagram or anything at all tomorrow. And we shall see how that goes. First things first, get through the night without dreaming about him.

Hello World

It's been a long time since I've been here, and a lot has happened since my last post. I've loved, I've lost, I've hurt, and I've grown. I'm a soldier and I'm strong. But most important, I'm found. I found myself yesterday. I found myself and I never realized I'd lost myself. The guy I thought was the love of my life dumped me yesterday, for the second time, and the final time. He may still think its possible to go back and fix this after all the other times we have, but no. This time, I can't go back. And honestly, I'm OK with that. It hurts, and it's gonna hurt for a long time, but I'm ok. I'm going to be just fine. He clearly can't fight for me. Maybe he just doesn't know how, but I've shown him how to fight for who you love on many occasions and now it's my turn to walk away. I feel good. Through all the depression and pain, I feel good. I feel strong and powerful. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see myself with a good guy in a few years, happy with a bright future. But it's an odd feeling. You see, this guy who I thought was the love of my life, we've been through a lot. He's hurt me a lot. But I always kept coming back to him and I could never figure out why. And I still don't know why. There is just something about him that pulls me in and never let go. It makes it impossible for me to hate him. But that bond, that thing that kept me coming back for more, it snapped yesterday. After a few days of accepting it wouldn't work, that pull snapped and I was freed. I'm free to be me, on my own, my own way. For the first time in over 3 years, I'm able to breath without worrying about him. Let me tell you, it's amazing. And that's how I know I'm going to be OK.

[Lightweight]

I've found a sense of weightlessness. I float through the day with only one goal: survive. I have 13 days of classes left in high school. Then two exams, and graduation a week later. I have straight A's for the first time ever, and drama is still trying to eat me alive. Yet I still feel that sense of weightlessness. I haven't been lucky, I don't believe in luck. I've just been due for some good after a year of bad. Parents separating, losing all my friends, including the guy I've been in love with for 2 years, lost my band, got into a relationship with a guy 7 years older than me and stuck with it out of fear of losing the band. But through it all, I've learned a lot. I've learned how to trust. I've learned how to stay strong. I've learned to do the right thing even when it ends up making me alone. But most importantly, I've learned how to be honest with myself. I've been in denial about a lot of things. I've always tried to hide certain things, act like they're not there, and just keep doing what I think I'm supposed to do. Because of everything I went through, I had nothing left to lose by the end of it all. I had a boyfriend I didn't want, a band that wouldn't go anywhere (but I was in denial about it), and no friends with a broken family. I was a basket case emotionally and it drove me to therapy. One day I had a weak moment. I sent an email to the guy I love, the one who I had lost via high school drama. I sent him this message asking what happened, what was different, and all that. I told him I had had the shit kicked out of me, I was miserable, and I had nothing left to lose, so I wouldn't hold back. I said I missed him. I missed my best friend and the guy who was always there for me. I said a lot in that message, and it felt damn good. It was the most open I've ever been. Because it was 100% the truth. And now nearly 4 months later, I couldn't be much happier with myself. I am now with this guy, the guy I love, and I know for a fact I'm in love with him, because even all the things I get mad at him for, or the things I don't like, when I think about all of him, I smile, I get butterflies. There isn't a single thing I would change about him, for any reason. He's my best friend, and the love of my life, and I've cried over him because he makes me so happy. My parents are stable too. My dad had cancer, and went through radiation, and now he's good, my mom's good, just still her crazy self. But my favorite part of it all is high school is over in a month. My 'friends' lie to me all the time, and I don't know who to actually care about, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. In a few months, I'll be in a new place with new people and I won't ever look back. This weightlessness takes over, and I float through the days, knowing I'll survive. I'm in the best state I've ever been, and I feel as though I'll never fall back into that dark place as long as I have him by my side every step of the way.