[Boys]

i kinda want a boyfriend again. and i know if i really had to have one, i could choose, because thats the position that im in. sort of. ryan has a girlfriend, and so does brad, but chris and john dont. does mat? idk. i want to have that sense of romance. i want to have that special person. i know that my guys will be there for me no matter what, but i want that certain relationship. altho me and ryan have a bond ive never had with anyone else, its still not the same. he says he wishes i was with him on the camping trip with him and brad. is it really just because they're having fun? idk

[drinking]

my dad has a drinking problem. this is old news. it was part of the problem and part of the reason mom almost wanted to divorce him back in 8th grade. 2 years later, hes still out getting trashed when he says hes working. hes not coming home tonight. hes too drunk to drive. how do i know? he called mom and i heard her talking to him upstairs. shes not happy, but i wouldnt be either. infact, im not. i want to cry. i hate what alcohol does to people, and my friends dont understand. ryan drinks and doesnt get drunk and sees no problem with it because 'hes irish'. well, so is my dad. i dont care if i have the genes to be an alcoholic, i will never be one, i hate everything about it. i hate how my dad isnt coming home tonight because of it. i hate how it always makes my parents fight. i hate how it nearly tore my family apart 2 years ago, i hate how its fucking everywhere! im not sure i have a single blood relative who hasnt had an alcohol problem atleast once in their life. i swear ill be different. my parents dont believe me. they never do. they say its in my blood. what the fuck do i care? i decide what i do, and i hate alcohol. ive seen what it does to people and i want to part of it. i wish it didnt own him...

[grades]

i have an F+ in chem. yes, an F+. i know that sounds stupid, why not just have an F, but no, my screwed up school as F+, F and F-. but anyway, i also have a C+ in math again, which isnt a huge problem, my parents just arent happy about it. my progress report also said i had a D+ in english. LIES!! i have a fucking B- in english! lets just say i was in deep shit. till i cried for like, 2 hours over it, i dont even know why. i think im pmsing, but it helped. they're not yelling at me anymore, but im still on thin ice. don took my phone away because he thinks it was a distraction. how could it just now be a distraction when ive been txting non stop on it since last semester? i dont get it, but i told him if anything was a distraction, it was the computer and the tv, so now im debating trading my phone for my computer so i can still talk to ryan and not go insade, because yes, that problem is still ripping my head to shreds. the only problem with giving up my computer is the email situation. i hate the whole thing, but theres nothing i can do about it till i get my grades up, and even then, don may still take my phone because he doesnt like how much i text, so really, its a lose lose situation. if only i had payed more attention and intercepted the progress report before anyone got to see it like amanda did. nothing i can do about it now tho other than fix it. i hate my life.

[Natalie]

im bursting at the seams. i want to much to be with ryan, but i know its the wrong choice to make. i know i need to stop liking him, but every chance i get, i daydream about him. i feel like things are changing between us tho, like we're not as close as we were. im scared that losing our feelings for each other will damage our friendship. idk, i think im just going crazy. idk all i know is that talking to him isnt the same right now, and its alot harder. i hate his one word answers. i hate that we run out of things to talk about. thats not how we used to be. amandas right. i do need to lay low for a while. no txting him till late friday unless he txts first. i need natalie.

[hostage situation]

its like ryan is unintentionally keeping me hostage. my mind atleast. he does things that drive me nuts but i can obviously hide it well because he has no clue. today, he was in a really good mood, which makes him really huggy. every 5 seconds he hugged me it seemed like. do i have a problem with that? absolutely not! i loved it! he would come from behind, the side, the front, i swear to god he still likes me but im too scared to say something! i need to talk to jelisa. she offered to ask him if he does still like me, but idk if she will unless i ask her to. and i really am fine with being just friends i just really want to know! when i space out and day dream, its him im dreamin about. sometimes i just want so badly for all the obstacles between us to go away so it can just be me and him. that sounds really bad because of how close of friends we are, but thats how i really feel sometimes, today especially. maybe this summer something will happen. we wouldnt have to tell anyone, we could keep the whole thing a secret. but then again if it backfired things would end horribly. but i really dont think i would ever hate him. we've fought before for real and we've both been offended, but we're still getting closer all the time. i remember a while ago he was planning on coming over just to hang out me and him. he said we could spend the day to get a feel for what it would be like to be together. that day never happened, but i wish it had. i wish he hadnt decided we were better as friends. i wish amanda wasnt a problem, i wish there were no problems just a grantee that we would work. hes amazing and i love him to death. idk why but i feel attached to him in a way ive never felt. ive never been this close with a guy who wasnt my boyfriend. and even then it feels different then that. i just cant ever get him out of my head, nor can i get over him. does that mean something? i think im reading way too far into this...