[so deceiving]

ryan just said goodnight. after not talking to him all day we got into a discussion about what goes on in my head and problems ive faced in the past. he didnt say much, so im curious as to what he was thinking. but when he said goodnight, he said he missed me. he is being extremely hard to read lately. i mean hes always been hard to read, but its been harder lately. its like hes going back and forth in his head about something. and tonight he really through me off. maybe its because he was so tired, but i really don't know. its just weird. maybe his 'urges' are getting to him now. but for him to say he misses me? hes never said that before. the more i talk to him the more i like him the harder it is for me to stand seeing him kiss amanda. yet at the same time, me and amanda are getting closer. i could make things easier, and make myself stop liking him. but i dont want to. i like me liking him. it gives me something to look forward to. it makes me remember what its like. he likes me back, i know he does, so why screw it up? oh wait, nvm, we would be screwing things up by getting together. or would we? i would lose amanda and a friend, but i would gain ryan as someone closer. but i cant deny the fact that we probably wouldnt last. and when we didnt, i cant deny that we probably wouldnt ever be the same again. and because of that, the smarter decision would be the harder one, no matter how much we both want to choose otherwise. im gonna go to bed now.

[videogames]

i went over to ryans house around 4, so it was me, ryan, zack and brad till 9. it was so much fun, even though i was just sitting around watching them play videogames the entire time. on the way there, we were talking in the car, me and ryan are going to college together at university of hartford, and im going on spring break with them all as the designated driver cause im the one who wont be drinking. i love how we make these plans. i wonder if we will actually follow through. i know me and ryan are gonna try. he really is my best friend, and im his, which makes me really happy. not sure anyone has ever considered me their best friend. anyway, later at ryans, we were talking about my surgery. i said i have to be in bed for 2 weeks after and brad was like "damn, im coming over every day then to see you." ryan agreed. then i told them that would be great, but before that, i have to be in the hospital for a few days and im gonna go insane. again, they both said they would come. ryan says hes gonna bring me pasta from home cause its my favorite. i really love these guys. i know my old friends never actually cared. but these guys really do care. especially ryan. i never thought i would find friends this good in my school, and at first i thought i was lowering my expectations. but in reality, i was judging. i admit that. i was judging people i didnt know. and now that ive gotten to know them, i dont know what i would do without them. i took one look at them and wrote them off, but took a chance anyway and found what i didnt know i could. sure, they have their flaws, like pot, and alcohol, and they're not the best students, but when it comes right down to it, that stuff isnt the most important. these guys are there for me, and i know they care. we click, its so easy for us. and i still cant explain what it is between me and ryan, it just is.

[favorites]

[alone]

Ryan is in to hugging me from behind. This morning i was leaving the snake room to to go Capt but ryan grabbed me from behind and gave me a hug that way and wouldnt let me go. i ditched first block, which was strings with bard today. for a while it was just me and ryan in the snake room, just the 2 of us. it was nice. he gave me another hug from behind. he gave me a big huge hug and picked me up too. he doesnt believe me but i really do like his hugs. i feel bad though, cause when amandas not around, we're flirting, and when she is, we dont really know what to say to each other. this situation is hard, and is making me think about him a little differently. but you know what, oh well, im not gonna let it bother me. i know what we're doing is wrong, even tho physically all we're doing is hugging, but i really dont care. we're not exactly romantically involved, but he has gotten me thinking about the 4 months i have left. what if i decide to break it again? but like, secretly? nope, cant do that, because i did it for me and i want to prove it to myself that i can do it. or at the very least till the end of this quarter. i may be getting high honors. i have an A+ in chem, A+ in strings of course, A in lifeguarding, A- in english, B- in french, B in modern global, and a B in algebra. 4 A's vs. 3 B's? not bad! best grades ive had since 8th grade. all i have to do now is keep them up. if i pull off high honors, im getting something out of it. whether it be that corn snake, or being allowed to spend the night at ryans camper over the summer, or idk yet, OROROR!!! letting my friends camp out in the back yard for my 16th birthday this summer!!! erins probably gonna have her friends sleep over, so why cant i right? idk, ill figure something out. i wish ryan would be done with his car and txt me back already...

[me]

im a chick whos entire life revolved around music. i played cello from 1st to 5th grade, and have been playing bass since. i started playing electric bass in 6th and guitar in 8th. ive played in 2 international music festivals in germany, and this year i made the all state orchestra. my hope is to one day become a professional musician and not go to college. i just want to play my music and that be it. but no matter what, music will always be in my life. im always listening to something, i just cant get enough. im hard to figure out, my best friend calls me a 500 piece jig saw puzzle. he can get the edges but not the middle. the thing is, i cant even get myself. my mind has been through alot, but not as much as some. ive come along way and im always changing, which makes things harder for me and those around me. im one in a few in many ways, im really different from other girls my age. im not as easy to read and i guess i hide behind a mask. im a hopeless romantic and i swear it will be the death of me one day. because right now, ive got strong feelings for said best friend. what makes it worse is that he feels the same. this was said last night. to top it all off, 2 weeks ago i got him with a friend of ours. he told me a week ago that he wanted to break up with her. i guess i know why. i feel horrible because i feel like hes cheating on her with me because of the way we talk when no one else is around because no one else knows other than my sister. she things i just ruined everything. maybe shes right, but he doesnt seem to think so. the craziest thing is that we all just met each other this year, and didnt become friends till around the holidays. how can he already be my best friend? all my old friends have ditched me, and i had no one. ive talked to him constantly for the past 4 weeks now and we're both really close. its amazing, but its also probably the reason for the feelings. i have no idea what our next move will be or should be, but i know it wont be for the next 4 months. i made a promise to myself back in august that i wouldnt get another boyfriend till the end of the school year, when i turn 16 and thats what i plan to do, and he understands that, so we have plenty of time to sort this out. so if i had to put me and my current life in a nutshell, that would be it.