Goal #1 Reflection

So I said that I would try go to the entire day without looking at Ryan's facebook or instagram or anything, because I do it a lot since I'm so out of the loop with his life cause he dumped me and has disappeared, and it's really not healthy. I can't delete him or block him though, I'm not ready yet. So I made this goal. And I did it. I woke up this morning and did whatever I needed to do, I went out with friends and didn't get home till after 10:30 tonight without looking at his posts once. I caved once I got home, but then I sat down and wrote the second verse to my new breakup song, so I hardly count that as a fail, especially since the day was over. I'm proud of myself. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, but I challenged my self control and I won.

Amy - 1
Ryan - 0

Goal #1

So it's after midnight and I don't want to sleep because I keep having dreams about Ryan. Which stinks because I love sleeping. Plus I have the day off tomorrow so sleeping in is supposed to be an option. I had been doing so well for the first week, but then Don just HAD to get cancer again (I'm not actually blaming my dad for having cancer, I'm really messed up about it.) And now all I can think about is how I don't have the support of my best friend because he dumped me. So I'm gonna start making dailey goals for myself to help deal. The goal for tomorrow will be not to check Ryan's facebook or instagram or anything at all tomorrow. And we shall see how that goes. First things first, get through the night without dreaming about him.

Hello World

It's been a long time since I've been here, and a lot has happened since my last post. I've loved, I've lost, I've hurt, and I've grown. I'm a soldier and I'm strong. But most important, I'm found. I found myself yesterday. I found myself and I never realized I'd lost myself. The guy I thought was the love of my life dumped me yesterday, for the second time, and the final time. He may still think its possible to go back and fix this after all the other times we have, but no. This time, I can't go back. And honestly, I'm OK with that. It hurts, and it's gonna hurt for a long time, but I'm ok. I'm going to be just fine. He clearly can't fight for me. Maybe he just doesn't know how, but I've shown him how to fight for who you love on many occasions and now it's my turn to walk away. I feel good. Through all the depression and pain, I feel good. I feel strong and powerful. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see myself with a good guy in a few years, happy with a bright future. But it's an odd feeling. You see, this guy who I thought was the love of my life, we've been through a lot. He's hurt me a lot. But I always kept coming back to him and I could never figure out why. And I still don't know why. There is just something about him that pulls me in and never let go. It makes it impossible for me to hate him. But that bond, that thing that kept me coming back for more, it snapped yesterday. After a few days of accepting it wouldn't work, that pull snapped and I was freed. I'm free to be me, on my own, my own way. For the first time in over 3 years, I'm able to breath without worrying about him. Let me tell you, it's amazing. And that's how I know I'm going to be OK.

[Lightweight]

I've found a sense of weightlessness. I float through the day with only one goal: survive. I have 13 days of classes left in high school. Then two exams, and graduation a week later. I have straight A's for the first time ever, and drama is still trying to eat me alive. Yet I still feel that sense of weightlessness. I haven't been lucky, I don't believe in luck. I've just been due for some good after a year of bad. Parents separating, losing all my friends, including the guy I've been in love with for 2 years, lost my band, got into a relationship with a guy 7 years older than me and stuck with it out of fear of losing the band. But through it all, I've learned a lot. I've learned how to trust. I've learned how to stay strong. I've learned to do the right thing even when it ends up making me alone. But most importantly, I've learned how to be honest with myself. I've been in denial about a lot of things. I've always tried to hide certain things, act like they're not there, and just keep doing what I think I'm supposed to do. Because of everything I went through, I had nothing left to lose by the end of it all. I had a boyfriend I didn't want, a band that wouldn't go anywhere (but I was in denial about it), and no friends with a broken family. I was a basket case emotionally and it drove me to therapy. One day I had a weak moment. I sent an email to the guy I love, the one who I had lost via high school drama. I sent him this message asking what happened, what was different, and all that. I told him I had had the shit kicked out of me, I was miserable, and I had nothing left to lose, so I wouldn't hold back. I said I missed him. I missed my best friend and the guy who was always there for me. I said a lot in that message, and it felt damn good. It was the most open I've ever been. Because it was 100% the truth. And now nearly 4 months later, I couldn't be much happier with myself. I am now with this guy, the guy I love, and I know for a fact I'm in love with him, because even all the things I get mad at him for, or the things I don't like, when I think about all of him, I smile, I get butterflies. There isn't a single thing I would change about him, for any reason. He's my best friend, and the love of my life, and I've cried over him because he makes me so happy. My parents are stable too. My dad had cancer, and went through radiation, and now he's good, my mom's good, just still her crazy self. But my favorite part of it all is high school is over in a month. My 'friends' lie to me all the time, and I don't know who to actually care about, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. In a few months, I'll be in a new place with new people and I won't ever look back. This weightlessness takes over, and I float through the days, knowing I'll survive. I'm in the best state I've ever been, and I feel as though I'll never fall back into that dark place as long as I have him by my side every step of the way.

[Unburied]

I was doing so well. I'd gotten over all of it, I had made so much progress. I though there was nothing left to deal with but the scar. But this would explain why I still have such a problem looking at him, dealing with him at all.
I was with Ryan tonight, and we were curled up in his bed as usual. His phone went off in his pocket, but he couldn't get to it cause I was in the way, and I said I wasn't going into his pocket, that close to him, if you get what I mean. he asked why not, why its such a big deal. I couldn't give him a reason, I just knew it was. He kept pushing, just wanting to know. It's not like he wanted me to, he just wanted to understand. But suddenly something clicked in my head and all I could see was this clip from 4 years ago, that I hadn't seen since. The last part of that night that I'd blocked out.
I was sitting on His couch. We had been making out. We had stopped cause he was getting tot excited from it. So excited he had gotten hard. He grabbed my hands, trying to make me touch him. To feel him. I remember pulling away. Him begging for it. Me fighting, saying no, trying to pull away. I can remember it all so clearly now. It was after that that the worst part happened.
I answered Ryan's question. I said it had to do with Mike, it was something I'd never told anyone, something I'd blocked out. Right away he tried to drop it, saying I didn't have to tell him, he shouldn't have asked. I told him anyway. I said he'd tried to force me to touch him. That was all I had to say before Ryan had his arms rapped around me so tight I couldn't have gotten free if I wanted to. He kissed the top of my head. He rocked me back and forth saying he was sorry for asking, sorry for what happened. I was almost crying.
What I uncovered about that night today isn't as bad as what I already remembered, but I guess my mind didn't know how to process it. I was 12 when it all happened, so I guess being pinned and violated was easier for me to deal with than being forced to touch someone else. I really have no clue, but in a way, it explains a lot. I never fully got over Mike, and now I know why. Now I just need to figure out how to deal with what I've remembered.

[Gimpy]

I'm talking to Ryan again. I sent him an email, saying exactly how I feel, asking what happened last year, letting know how fucked up I am right now, all of it. He keeps saying he's sorry for what he did. Things are going really well. He really is sorry, and he really does care, but there's more to it than that. He still likes me.

when ever I manage to see ur face, I look in your to see hurt and disgrace, of people picking up and throwing you down, like a broken doll with no heart to be found, but just no that there is someone that hasn't been around, that's watched all the fire burn your world down, and they knew they could do something but had no idea what cause they were part of the problem right from the start, and again and again they wish they could go back, way befor the mess that they shot into your chest, changing the way everything began, not just stopping it but putting to an end

That was his facebook status last night. I asked him about it today, and he didn't explain, he wanted to know why I was asking. I told him I thought he was hiding something, and I wanted to know what. He won't tell me till the time is right, and hes absolutely certain of what will happen after. Which tells me he still likes me and wants to tell me. Add another problem to my list.

Monster In The Closet

He harassed me in elementary school so I beat him up. We dated and he broke up with me. I relied on him, and he stabbed me in the back. I've forgiven him, but not because I wanted to. I've known him since first grade. We're in twelfth now. I've known him throughout my entire schooling career, and no matter what he does, or how hard I try, I just can't walk away. It doesn't even hurt anymore. I know one day we will stop talking, I know that sooner or later, there will be no more coming back to him. I'm not even sure if he cares much any more. But letting go of someone you've known nearly all your life is a hard thing to do. True, he doesn't even know my darkest secret, but he knows everything else.

So much has happened in the last year. We dated, He dated one of my best friends, he nearly dated my other best friend. That one friend convinced him and the rest of them to stab me in the back. Now, all is forgiven, simply because I just can't care any more. High School is high school. Afterwards, you meet new people and forget those you knew. He is my Monster in the Closet. Losing him forever scares me, because he has been a constant that just keeps coming back which is more than I can say for anyone else. He's dating one of my new close friends as of yesterday. He's having a party at his house on saturday that I wasn't invited to, but she wants me to go because she isn't comfortable with anyone else. He says I can, but I plan on pulling him aside and asking if it's really ok that I'm there. Things still aren't the same after last year. At first, I was planning on not even trying, but I miss it now. I want that friendship back. I'm prepared to hear that he doesn't want to get back to that, that it is awkward and weird having me there. I'm ready to hear it all, expecting it even. But I'm also hoping to have him say he wants to be that close again. I want to be that person he can count on no matter what. But he's always chosen someone else. Catalina, Ashley, and now Olivia. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'll ask him that too. It's not like I have anything to lose. I love being able to say that, because for once, I really don't care, because it's really true. I've lost them all once, I can totally do it again.