How 'Bout No

You dumped me through a text after 2 years together, after 4 years of history. You dumped me through a text after 2 years, and got back together with your ex, my ex best friend, who you supposedly "hated". You deleted me from Facebook. You completely removed yourself from my life. Which I was fine with. Yes, there was some anger, and some depression, and some reevaluating what I could have done, what I did do, all that bullshit. But I was fine. I was never in the typical "breakup state" everyone expected, and I most certainly did not need you, and I proved that point easily. I was fine with everything that you did. Supposedly it was what you wanted, and what was best for you. Ok, cool. Fine. Whatever. But with what you did comes a long list of things you are not allowed to do.
1. You are not allowed to judge any of my choices from here on out.
2. You are not allowed to tell me what to do on any account.
3. You are not allowed to ask about how I'm doing or what I am up to.
4. You are not allowed to expect anything from me.
5. You are MOST CERTAINLY NOT allowed to inbox me a goddamned "thumbs up" on Facebook!
How stupid are you? You have no right to contact me after what you've done. You have no right to do anything regarding me ever again. You have no right to second guess your choices. You have no right to miss me. You have no right to try to get me back. You have no right to try and be friends, especially while still dating HER. You have no right. You have zero rights at all.
I was unsure if having you drop off the face of the earth was what was best for me. I didn't know if I would be ok with it, or if I would rather still have you around. Well now I know. I want you nowhere near me. I want you as far away as humanly possible. I want you to have zero contact with anyone I love, but I know that last one is too much to ask. My friends and family can do what they wish, they just need to keep me out of it. I would love so much to never see you, any of you, ever again. The memories are enough. It doesn't hurt. I really am fine. No. I'm better than fine. I am more me than I have ever been before. I'm happy. Without you. I'm sure you thought I'd be a disaster. How 'bout them apples, huh?

Separation

It will be nice dating someone who had an entire life before me. Someone who is completely new and unfamiliar to me. I want to have separate lives, and our own space, and to find common ground. I want to find the balance between my life and his, and how things all fit together. I want to have a fresh start with a stranger, someone I can watch bond with my sisters, and hopefully will have their own siblings for me to bond with. I want our families to welcome each other with open arms and for everyone to get along. I want a nice guy with good morals and a strong future, someone who will treat me right, in all the right ways, but still give me the fight I need. I want the fun and playful nights that don't have to end early because he has to get up for work at 4am. There is so much I want. The sad part is, it is impossible for me to have right now. I'm changing, I'm growing, and I can't drag someone through it with me. Who they want either isn't who I am, or wouldn't be me at the end of it all. But that's ok. I'm still only 19 years old. I'm just fine on my own for now. Maybe in the next year or two I'll find someone. It still probably won't be THE someone, but it will be another step in the right direction. Every day I learn more about love, life, and myself. I'm in the middle of some very big life choices, and a lot of good things will be happening for me in the next year as long as I stay on track. That is my focus for right now. My career, and future plans. Hopefully by my 20th birthday, I will be a licensed bartender with my very own car, probably working two jobs for the summer, hopefully one at the Webster, doing something music related. By the start of senior year, I hope to have my own apartment, living on my own. I've put a lot of thought into it, and as much as I don't want to live alone, it is probably the best thing to do. While it will mean paying for everything myself, it will also mean not relying on other people for anything. And I can make all the decisions on where to live and such by myself. I have big plans, big goals. As much as I want a guy by my side to help me along, I'm better off doing it alone.

Thoughts

Lately I keep asking myself why. It's not an answer I'll ever get, I know. And I'm sure it's an answer I would never want to know, but its a question I keep asking myself. Why? Why this? Why her? Why now? Why? I know I can do better, and I will. I know it's fine, because I am. I'm still happy with my life. I know I need to be on my own for a while. I'm changing. I'm going through a beautiful part of my life right now. It's something he could never have done with me. But after four years, I still wonder. Why? What changed? But I know the answer to that one.
Never tell a girl she's perfect. Never put her on a pedestal. Because one day, you will realize she's not perfect. You'll pull the pedestal out from under her. She will come crashing down. You'll be mad at her for not being who you thought. She will blame herself for not being good enough. And any kind relationship you ever wanted to have with each other will be doomed from there on out.
That's what changed between us. He finally realized I wasn't perfect. He decided my flaws were worse than his own, that I hurt him more than he ever hurt me, which is funny, because that's all he ever seemed to do, where as weeks before he left, he said I was the only good thing in his life. He decided he couldn't deal with it anymore. What I don't understand is why her? After everything, why her, why now, why go back on everything you said over the past two years? That's how I know I can do better. And I will. That's why I'm Ok. Because you're not worth it. No matter how many questions I ask myself, and how few answers I get, that will always remain to be true.