Over It

And that's when I realized I was over it. I didn't want to tell the story again. It wasn't because I didn't know this Stephen kid, I'd told the story to strangers before. It was because I really didn't want to go through it for the millionth time. I'm over it. It is officially over and I don't want to go back. I'm over all the shit that happened from the Myers, Mike, all the way to the Snake Room drama. It's all over. I've taken what I can from it. It doesn't control me anymore. And not wanting to tell the story again is how I realized this. Because since it happened, that's all I've done. I've just told more and more people about what happened. It never got old to me. But now, it has. It bores me. I left out details because I didn't care. And I realized I was stupid to let the whole thing happen anyway. Because none of it was worth it. I don't regret anything, because I can't imagine not having gone through it, but I really did just sit back and let it happen. I didn't actively try to stop it or avoid it. But it's over. It's actually over. And I think that's what I can't get over now. I'm so much expecting to have the other half start something new. But the thing is, even if they did, they don't have any ties to me anymore. I have my friends, they have theirs, and I go back to school next weekend. It really doesn't matter. So I'm gonna take Duffek's advice, because he knows that he's talking about, even though it was my plan even before talking to him today. I'm going to focus on my music. I'm going to throw myself into school, my music, and getting a job, and a car, and really making something of myself. I've been doing well, but I could do better. I know that much. I need to do something that isn't nothing. I'm ready to work hard. I'm ready to be busy and earn something for myself. I'm ready to become my own person that I can really be proud of. I want to make a name for myself outside of my town where everyone knows me because I'm fifth generation. I want to make a difference. Somehow. And that all starts this semester.

It's Not A Sad Story

It's not a sad story. It's not the end of the world. I thought he was someone, and I was wrong. It happens. Shit happens. You learn to move on. He'd been such a focus in my life for four years that it's a little hard, it hurts a lot, but I'm not alone. I'll be just fine. I am just fine. He didn't break me. He helped me and left. He made a choice. I hope he regrets it. I hope he reconsiders his choices. I hope he comes crawling back just so I can kick him in the face and send him running for the hills. You don't do what he did to me. You just don't. You don't make yourself into everything for a girl. You don't take on her trauma from being abused and make it your problem, and heal her, just to dump her two years later via text message. You don't promise her forever, and then dump her for your ex, who just happens to be her ex best friend. You just don't do shit like that. But hey, I'm the childish one, according to you, so what do I know? But in the long run, none of it matters. I learned a lot, and now I have the rest of my life to find someone who is actually worth my time. I'm only nineteen after all. I've got plenty of time. I got the awkward first time out of the way. I don't regret it either. Because there was a time I cared. I gave everything I had to someone I really truly loved, and cared for. So things changed. Big whoop. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It was a learning experience, and it helped me grow as a person, but also as a songwriter. It introduced me to new feelings and emotions and increased the intensity of my happiness, my depression, and my anger. I know more about myself now than ever before. I know more about life itself than ever before. I've learned more of what I need, and learned that when it comes to the man I will one day marry, what I need is more important than what I want. My values haven't changed, but my standards have. And I think the way I go about things have changed as well. It seems he has found where he belongs, and it's in a place I tried so desperately to fit, but never could. But I did it for him. I know that much. Yet now, I have amazing friends, some I had before him, some I made during my time with him. And there will be many more to come. It's not a sad story. It's a series of odd events that pulled me out of the hole high school put me in. I don't want him to wonder of I'm ok, because I'm not the needy girl he thinks I am. I don't want sympathy because I'm not some poor, distraught, lost little girl that just saw her first "love" shattered before her very eyes. The truth is, my gut told me the whole time that we weren't for real. All along, I knew there was some dark secret hidden in him, something that he wasn't saying. And all along, I knew I could do better, that I deserved better.  It's not a sad story. It's the same story you hear every day. So don't be so condescending and stop acting like you care.

New Year's Resolution

I've been though a lot of shit in the past 6 years. From various types of abuse to bullying and constantly losing friends, I've been through a lot. I would be lying if I said it didn't effect me. It does. I have a short fuse. I overreact about situations that aren't as big as I make them out to be. I worry about every little thing and find it hard to see the bright side to most situations. But now that Ryan's gone and I'm officially out of the circle that caused so much trouble for me in high school, I'm finding things a lot easier. I've taken a good look at my life and realized a lot of things. I'm changing. I want to be a happier, more free person. And I'm starting to not care so much. I'm making progress with my performance anxiety, which has been a long time goal of mine, and I'm dancing and being weird more just because I flippin' can! But the biggest thing I think is not letting this break up keep me down. Of course I have my moments where I want to cry, I want to go through his facebook and all that, but I don't. I suddenly have a lot more will power than ever before, as well as more confidence and self-esteem. And the bright side I've found to all of this bullshit? It's given me loads of ammunition for new songs. I wrote one tonight in under two hours, and I have enough for at least two more. It's been about a month since the breakup and I didn't think the timing was good at first, but now I can't imagine a better time. With the new year here, its the perfect time to change.