[fear]

its eating me alive. my surgery is in 10 days and its scaring the crap out of me. this summer is going by so quickly. i only have 2 years left here, 2 years left of high school. 1 more year of ryan for sure. im so afraid of losing him. im so afraid of losing everything i gained this year. but this surgery comes first. its closest. the surgery itself is scary, but the part that scares me the most is being put under. being knocked out and not having control. ive always been in control of what my body does. always. this is uncharted territory for me, and im not liking it. ryan says to get over it because i have nothing to worry about, and no reason to be afraid because i havent been through it before whereas he has. but hes not afraid of much. i dont know why im so scared, but hes been going in and out of hospital situations since he was a baby. i havent. its a fear of the unknown, and my mom says its totally natural and he doesnt know what hes talking about. that makes me feel better, but it means i cant talk to him about it. he understands my fear of the actual surgery, but the drugging part, he says im being stupid about. he was the one who could understand, and talk me through it, but not if hes gonna be a hard ass about it. oh well. ill survive. i know i will, so ill just have to hang on to that thought. as long as theres no catheter involved, ill be ok. i think.

[family]

ryan said im his family today. we had our talk. it really really short, because i couldnt talk. it wasnt cause i was nervous, i just couldnt think of everything that i had before. i feel like i ruined it. but i got plenty of hugs out of it. hot and sweaty hugs, but hugs. i was leaning on him after when me him and brad were hanging out. probably looked really bad, and brad probably knows i like him, but i dont care. hes like my brother, even if i do like him. and so is brad. i would have leaned on brad if he was were ryan was.

[wrong]

ive been talking to ryan since i got home from work. and its like old times again. for real. its been great. we've had fun, or atleast i hope he has. i got a smiley from him, and i made him laugh, both are really good signs. then he brought up the idea of having a fire at his house and camping out in the back yard. i thought he meant just because his dad will let him. turns out, he wants to do it for me. he feels bad he couldnt spend the night in june, and he wants to make it up to me. and because we still havent done the kill bill thing. and because he wants to do something for me before my surgery. either he cares so much because he still likes me, or because he just cares that much. but either way, i like the way things are right now. hes asking if he can help with my problems. i dont know whats come over him, but im not gonna question it. we're in a good place, and i wanna keep things there. i feel bad for thinking the way i did about him earlier this summer. he really can sympathize. we're doing really well and im really happy.

[Eddie]

Cira had a dream last night. about eddie. and me. apparently, we were standing in front of the garage door at S.W.A.T. and i guess we had our arms around each other? she says we were "all into each other" whatever that means. in all honesty, it kinda gives me hope, even tho it means absolutely nothing. me and eddie talked alot today at work. i really do like him, even tho i hardly know him at all. i kinda wish he would ask me out. but whatever. i wont see him again till next summer anyway, and thats only if he doesnt get a new job.

[depression]

i was in a depression all day. all i could think about was my friends, alot about ryan, alot about anthony. i had a weak moment. i really want a boyfriend, but as far as i can tell, theres no one out there for me right now. i feel like ryan wasnt the good friend i thought he was, that nor is amanda. i really dont know. but my head sucks right now. it sucks so much, i was so desperate today, i asked anthony to hang out after snake room tomorrow. in all honesty, im happy i asked him. he was the only one who ever really understood me, and i want that connection back, despite what anyone says or thinks. ill be friends with whoever i want to be friends with. im gonna start this new thing. im not gonna talk about my problems to people. im not gonna feel sorry for myself. taking life as it comes. not sure how well this will work, or how long i can manage, or if its even possible, but im gonna try.

[go figure]

im not over ryan. im far better than i was, but my stomach still sinks when i think about him graduating and not having him around at all. i definitely have attachment issues. im so scared that we'll drift apart, that ill lose him. and i very well might at the rate we're going.

my mind is a silent mess right now, and i plan to keep it that way. no more thinking. im confused, and aggravated, and it sucks. no more thinking.

i lo like nik tho, and that has been my crutch lately. that and chris. im talking to him everyday all day and it helps to know that someone cares.

[go figure]

im not over ryan. im far better than i was, but my stomach still sinks when i think about him graduating and not having him around at all. i definitely have attachment issues. im so scared that we'll drift apart, that ill lose him. and i very well might at the rate we're going.

my mind is a silent mess right now, and i plan to keep it that way. no more thinking. im confused, and aggravated, and it sucks. no more thinking.

i lo like nik tho, and that has been my crutch lately. that and chris. im talking to him everyday all day and it helps to know that someone cares.