[nik]

nik texted me tonight, out of complete random. granted, it was to mess with me, but still. i really do still like him, but when we dont talk for a while i kinda forget. i would still feel weird if i talked to him as much as i talk to the other guys tho, just because of his girlfriend. we could definitely be close if i wanted to be, and maybe i will with whats going on with me and ryan right now. nik was always cooler about things tho too, hes better boyfriend material. i have my new focus/distraction i guess, but atleast it will work out a bit better this time. and hey, maybe when ryan finds out (if he still likes me) he will realize and actually try between me and him again.

[done]

i dont want to try anymore ryan. i wont want to have to always be the one to text first, and to keep conversations alive. i dont want to feel like i need you. i dont know what you want me to say. i texted you hours ago, and you never texted back. maybe what i said earlier got you mad, but i dont understand why. there are so many things i wish i could say to you, i really wish you cared, but it seems like you dont sometimes. i know you do, otherwise, you wouldnt get mad when i called myself a sorry pathetic loser. talking to you gets so hard sometimes, so much so that it hurts, because im still trying to get over you. ive come along way in the past week, but im not completely over you yet. it worries me when we have these hours that we dont talk for some reason that im unaware of, because i care so much, and you're one of the few people i care about at this point. yes, we have our problems, and you make me feel so stupid sometimes, but i always miss you when we dont talk. i need to be less attached. im not texting you for a while. not again today, not tomorrow, if you want to talk, then you can contact me, because im tired of chasing you. if you're so worried about bothering me, then i guess we wont talk. but if you really care, if talking to me as much as we do really means something to you, then maybe you'll get the message. i stopped texting yesterday, and im done for today. when i dont text tomorrow, what will you do? how long will it take you? or are you gonna be stupid and think im busy or i need space or time? who knows. do i care? a hell of alot, probably more than i should, but you obviously cant see that now can you? im done.

[Cindy]

i feel like shes trying to steal my friends. after everything that happened with her and ryan, i just dont like her, and now she wants to hang out with chris tomorrow. her and chris arent even close friends like we are, and im not hanging out with her. im really territorial when it comes to my guys i guess. but still. i just dont like it. girlfriends are one thing, but i just dont like this. ahh oh well.

[turning away]

after what happened last night with rainden, ive come to accept that ryan would not be a good boyfriend for me. as awesome as he is, as much as i love him, as strong as my feelings are for him, he's not the kind of boyfriend that i need. he doesnt seem to understand that i am a very emotional person, more than i let on. it doesnt matter that raided was just an animal. he was mine, and i had bonded with him already. he doesnt get that i would look over at his cage every night before i went to sleep. i had him for only 2 weeks, id been handling him for 3 weeks, but he already seemed a part of my every day. and none of that seems to matter to him. i dont expect him to understand how i feel, because hes a guy and is incapable of feeling extreme emotions, but he could atleast respect it. hes not sensitive enough to be more than a friend for me. i know that. which is why it hurts so much when he pays me no attention, however bad that sounds. no matter what either of us does, i cant get over him, and it kills me. i want for us to be more, but i cant picture it, and i know i cant let it happen. because it would ruin us. maybe we need to stop talking so much. it makes things harder. we run out of things to say, hes not always fun to talk to anymore, and im always the one who starts the conversation. i still feel like i annoy him. i feel like he doesnt want me around as much as i am. im not texting him tomorrow unless he texts me first. ill talk to chris instead, if he texts me back, unlike tonight when he didnt.

i liked how much brad cared today. i told him, and he gave me a hug, wouldnt let me go. kept asking if i was ok all day today. i really appreciate him, and since mom said we should date, ive actually been thinking about it. even tho i feel to romantic feelings for him. hes not always there, talking to me like ryan is, but he cares more than ryan does. hes understanding and respectful of my emotion.

uhhh i dont even know anymore. i want a boyfriend, but no one around me works well. i enjoy being single at the same time tho. life is beginning to be so hard and complicated, having a boyfriend would be nice for the comfort and all that, but chances are, it would make things worse. i really want to meet someone at cirillo this summer if its possible. of course, they'd have to be approved by ryan brad and chris, but it would still be nice. someone new and different, not windsor high material. im gonna crash now, cause im beat.

Rest In Peace,

Raided <3

[Raiden]

for once, im thankful for my pain. Raided<3 died about an hour and a half ago, and now my head is a horrible place to be. i cant talk to ryan because hes trying to tell me hes not. as much as i wish ryan were right, to hear him say 'i told you so', i know hes not right. i know im not wrong.

[Gimpy]

ryan is single again, and ive been getting more attention from him. hes been really happy lately too, which is great. i guess to him now that hes not with cindy, he doesnt have to deal with all the shit anymore, that carlos and karinna started a while ago. hes ignoring everything, which i guess makes me ignore it too. i had been able to keep my feelings for him at bay for a while, but they're back again, and growing, but this time, im not gonna let it affect my mood. life is good, and im trying hard not to ruin that. i hadnt talked to him all day yesterday, so around 8 when i finally texted him, i got an immediate response, and it seemed pretty excited. when he was leaving my house friday night because he couldnt spend the night, he gave me a big long hug. when we were sitting on the swing by the fire, he gave me a hug, and then kept his arm around me for a little bit and i had my head on his shoulder about to fall asleep. when he first got to my house on his bike, he gave me a big nasty sweaty hug. he hugged my head to his sweaty body and i didnt even care. when i was leaving the snake room to go to life guarding on thursday, he pulled me aside, made me sit on his lap with his arm around me, and asked what i wanted for my birthday. all i said was for him to be there. that was it. part of me is expecting tomorrow to be this huge day, and thank god its a b day, so i have snake room with everyone. tomorrow is when i turn 16. which means im allowed to date again. why am i expecting it to be a good day? im expecting ryan to do something. idk what, but part of me is hoping he asks me out, no matter how unlikely. i think im gonna text him now.