No Fear

Some people say opening yourself up to a new relationship is hard and scary because it's someone knew and you don't know if you can trust them. To me that's the exciting part. I like the challenge of getting to know someone, being able to read them at s glance. I don't have anything to hide after being hurt so much, so I'm not afraid of being let down. Even after I start to fall. And that's where I am right now. I'm falling. I like Erick a lot. We're getting closer. We want to talk more, see each other more. We're growing more comfortable with each other. It's been almost 3 months and things couldn't be going any better. And right now, I'm about to go to bed surrounded in his smell. And that is the next best thing to going to bed, wrapped up in his arms.

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Something New

Laying on his stomach, looking him in the eye, telling him the thoughts running through my mind. He's so innocent compared to me, he can't imagine the pain I've felt. Yet somehow he gets it. He sees right through me and can see what I need. He doesn't offer advice, he doesn't offer criticism, just understanding and support. He's a nice guy, something I'm not used to. We are what a normal relationship should be, something I never thought I would have. He makes me happy, a kind of happy I never thought I'd be.

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Calmer Waters

The past six months have been amazing for me. I've grown to be true to myself. My views on a lot of things have changed and I've learned not to let fear hold me back. I no longer fear pain in any sense. I don't fear the future, whatever happens is meant to happen. I don't compare myself as much to other girls. I say "as much" because it is human nature to compare yourself to others. However, my self worth and self esteem have been nearly completely restored, and my self image problems have dissolved to a minimum. I'm not sure they will ever completely go away, but I'm happy with myself for now, and that's what matters. I am more the person I want to be than ever before. I have grown more in the past 6 months than ever before. I am legitimately happy for the first time in years. To top it all off, I found a guy that makes me even happier. I wasn't looking, I wasn't trying, I was just fine on my own. But that's the best kind, the unexpected. He makes me melt. There is so much I could say about him, there's too much in fact, that none of it will come out.

When Broken Is Easily Fixed

I'm happy. I'm whole. I'm no longer broken like I was for a long time. I'm confident and I'm proud and I'm a better person and I like who I'm becoming. I realized another big change yesterday too. I was telling my dad about a guy I like. I described this guy, and finished it by saying "I think you'd like him." That was when I realized I'm not looking to rebel against my parents anymore. I'll still stands up for what I want and what I believe in, but I want them to be happy with me. I want them to like the next guy I bring home. I want a genuinely nice guy that will be kind to my mother and talk politics with my father, play video games with my older sister and talk about sports with my younger sister. I want someone that will fit in with my family. And that is new for me. That shows how far I've come. Oh M.E. why are you not in the place for a relationship?

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I'm Ready

I am so ready for something to ACTUALLY work out with a guy. Zach fizzled out, Erick just wanted a hookup, I'm not really just looking for fun anymore. I'm still not really looking for anything, but an actual relationship would be nice. Can a meet a guy over the summer and have things work? Is that a thing that can happen? Cause that would be great. I am ready for a relationship. Not for anything serious quite yet, but something low key that can develop into something more. Why can I not just find a nice guy? Is that really so hard? No, probably not, it's probably just not possible in the places I've been looking. I just want to get out of school, get my bar tending license, and spend my summer life guarding and pouring drinks. It really all sounds so great and I'm so ready. I'll be honest and say I'm a little nervous for bar tending, but it'll be fun. I'll make sure of it. And it will be great money and great experience. Not to mention a fantastic way to meet people. I really just want to get out and do SOMETHING. I really haven't done much this semester. Granted, I met a lot of people, and had a lot of parties, and went to a few, but I didn't actually do anything, and that needs to change. I want to do stuff. I need to find activities. That's why I'm excited to get back to work. School, hurry up and end. Nice guys, man up and show yourselves.

M.E.

I've been pretty ADD with guys since the breakup over four months ago. I look for potential in pretty much every guy I see. This past weekend was Spring Fling, so of course I was on the prowl for anything with potential, even though I felt as though I'm not ready to date. It was getting late Saturday night and I was starting to give up hope for anything. I wasn't really upset or anything, I just decided to let it go, not worry about it and focus more on having fun on the final night of Spring Fling. So I'm wandering around the Village with a group of guys, some I know, some I had just met, and we find some of their friends other places, and I find people I know, and all the sudden, there's a guy in our group, eyeing me. This guy happened to be someone I had been eyeing since the begining of freshman year. He lived in my best friend's dorm building last year, and we're both in the engineering school so I see him everywhere but we'd never actually met, and I didn't even know his name. But suddenly he's in my circle in Quad 5, eyeing me. I found myself ending my Spring Fling on my couch with this beautiful man who is everything I need and want in a guy, and I'm still wondering how this is possible. He is so different from Ryan in every way. He talks. He's an open book. He's upfront and honest. He's confident, and willing to make the first move without hesitation. He is so sweet, I can't even believe it. And he is unbelievably smooth. He's six foot four, and is more built than Nick. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and an amazing smile. We have so much in common and he understands everything that comes out of my mouth. I can't get over how I've had my eye on this guy for nearly two years, and now he has his eye on me. More than that. He's got me right where he wants me. And I am more than OK with that. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when Zach finds out, but he had his chance and took it nowhere. So I can't really feel bad. I really like Erick and that's what matters to me now.

How 'Bout No

You dumped me through a text after 2 years together, after 4 years of history. You dumped me through a text after 2 years, and got back together with your ex, my ex best friend, who you supposedly "hated". You deleted me from Facebook. You completely removed yourself from my life. Which I was fine with. Yes, there was some anger, and some depression, and some reevaluating what I could have done, what I did do, all that bullshit. But I was fine. I was never in the typical "breakup state" everyone expected, and I most certainly did not need you, and I proved that point easily. I was fine with everything that you did. Supposedly it was what you wanted, and what was best for you. Ok, cool. Fine. Whatever. But with what you did comes a long list of things you are not allowed to do.
1. You are not allowed to judge any of my choices from here on out.
2. You are not allowed to tell me what to do on any account.
3. You are not allowed to ask about how I'm doing or what I am up to.
4. You are not allowed to expect anything from me.
5. You are MOST CERTAINLY NOT allowed to inbox me a goddamned "thumbs up" on Facebook!
How stupid are you? You have no right to contact me after what you've done. You have no right to do anything regarding me ever again. You have no right to second guess your choices. You have no right to miss me. You have no right to try to get me back. You have no right to try and be friends, especially while still dating HER. You have no right. You have zero rights at all.
I was unsure if having you drop off the face of the earth was what was best for me. I didn't know if I would be ok with it, or if I would rather still have you around. Well now I know. I want you nowhere near me. I want you as far away as humanly possible. I want you to have zero contact with anyone I love, but I know that last one is too much to ask. My friends and family can do what they wish, they just need to keep me out of it. I would love so much to never see you, any of you, ever again. The memories are enough. It doesn't hurt. I really am fine. No. I'm better than fine. I am more me than I have ever been before. I'm happy. Without you. I'm sure you thought I'd be a disaster. How 'bout them apples, huh?