[Frustrated]

Pierre's step mom is leaving his dad. His family is saying he gets to choose where he goes now, but he said he doesn't really. In the end his dad will choose for him, and that most likely means going back to Haiti and staying there for the rest of his life. It sucks, and I'm pissed, and I want to cry, but at the same time, I'm glad because now I don't have to worry about ending things, and it's not all on me. That makes me sound like a terrible person, but it's how I feel. It also means maybe I can have a second chance with Brad sooner than later. But I still have to talk to Brad about things. I need to tell him everything:

• I can't stop thinking about him
• I miss him
• I like him more than I like Pierre
• I analyze everything he does around me
• I want so much to be able to read him, and I think I'm starting to

Why must life be so frustrating? Ashley and I wrote another song yesterday, funny enough, about Brad. Go figure right? I want things to work out. I really think they can if we try and give it a little time. I don't want things to be weird. I don't want him to be afraid of getting attached. I want things to go well, and I want to be with him. I need to talk to him and get closure at least. Maybe we can't ever try things again, but closure would be nice if we can't. The feeling of 'what if' will probably always be there, but at least I can try to put that feeling to rest with a bit of closure, perhaps him telling me the real reason he broke up with me the first time. I just need to get him alone. Next bonfire at his house or mine, we're going for a walk and we're talking. As long as Pierre's not there. That would be bad. As long as Pierre's not there, I'm talking to Brad. That's final.

[confused]

from september 11 to september 15 i was with brad, my friend of 10 years. after he broke up with me, we went through 2 weeks of bullshit because he had alot going on and didnt know how to deal. since then, we've been back to the way things were and its been great.

since october 18, ive been with pierre. things were going really well. until last weekend. all my thoughts about brad came back. i still like pierre, and im happy with him, but im thinking alot about brad. i keep remembering that first night we were together when he snuck into my room at 11 through my window and stayed for an hour. he actually brought it up last night at the football game before pierre got there.

"I remember sneaking through your window at 11 at night and your parents never knew. that was awesome." -Brad

"Yea, but all you did was just sit there staring at me!" -Me

"Well what was I supposed to do!" -Brad (i could have said something back to that but i didnt)

"And then 5 days later you broke up with her!" -Ashley

"Yea...sorry about that. I'm really sorry." -Brad

the fact that he brought that up amazed me. i wish so much sometimes that i could be with him. but at the same time, im happy with pierre and i dont want to ruin that. but i know me and pierre wont last. i dont have feelings for him the way i feel for brad.

{Life can never be easy}