[forgotten]

ryans in stafford this weekend for the first time in over a month. ashleys been texting him, and i guess hes with his grandmother. apparently, his grandmother texted ashley from his phone inviting him to his birthday party on october second. im feeling so fucking left out today, so fucking alone, i wanna scream, and cry at the same time. all day ive been feeling like im just not good enough for guys in general. like ill never be what they want me to be, what they're looking for. and that just made it so much worse. ryan didnt even tell me he was having a party. im just not good enough and i never will be. im a pathetic loser who drives people away because im so different. im not what guys like, and i never will be. i love myself, and i refuse to change, but i hate what ive done, and wish i actually meant something.

[for something new]

brad had a bonfire last night. i was late, because mom had us go shopping, but god am i glad i went. his cousin brought him a girl to try to get them together. i heard brad really clicked with her right away, but it was a lost cause quickly. brad doesn't try. but john did. he stole the girl right out from under brad. david told me the code. you lose the girl you live on, you get the girl you live on. i guess in a way i gained a lot of respect for david tonight, but never enough to counteract what he did to jess that summer. but anyway, brad was really upset about the situation, and it didn't help that john kept sitting on the girls lap. they were all over each other, and me and ashley nearly hit them, but we can't blame them, they didn't know the plan. because brad was so upset about it, i got really upset. my friends emotions really affect me. i guess it kinda led him to think about his uncle too, or at least thats what he said. i felt horrible. he actually had tears in his eyes at one point. id never seen brad so emotional. but i know better than to get involved. brad took off for a walk when he started getting really bad. john kept trying to go, i figure because he knew part of what was going on. i had never really met john till tonight, but when he was about to follow brad, i just said "no, john, stay here. just stay. leave him alone." he gave me this worried look, and i just shook my head and turned back to ashley. brad needed that time alone. while he was gone, me and ashley went over to talk to david, his closest friend there, because ryan's out camping this weekend. apparently, that girl is "brad's type" according to david, but me and ashley still disagree. ashley had to go call her mom, so i stood there with david, not saying anything. he turned to me and said that me and brad really would be good together, and i cant deny it. i can say that it would be bad in ways because we're so close, and i don't want to lose that, but i cant say that the whole idea is a bad thing, because it really would be a good thing. i wasn't going to lie about it at that point. everyone except for ryan had been supporting this, and even tho i will never trust david, and i don't think ill ever really like him as a person, i felt like i needed to tell him the truth. i told him that i had been thinking about it. i told him that i agreed in ways me and brad would be a good thing, but i also said that i was afraid of screwing everything up, and that not everything would be such a great idea. he said he understood that, he understands that we're like siblings, and we're so close, and i stopped him there. i told him that me and brad really aren't that close. i couldn't go on to explain, because at that moment, brad came back. he was a bit better for the rest of the night, but you could tell he was still bothered.

so, after me and ashley left, we were back at my house. we'd been there for about an hour, about to go to sleep because it was 12:30 and we were tired as hell, but i got a text from brad: "Hey so i heard you like the idea of "us"" story short, ashley freaked, i freaked. we talked about it, i told him everything that had been going through my head for the past few weeks, what i was afraid of, how id been feeling, and he said he felt the same way, granted, his feelings for me are way stronger than mine for him, but it was an amazing conversation. we decided that we are trying this, whatever 'this' is. we're taking it slow to see how it goes, and we're gonna keep it quite till the trial period is over i guess. me and brad i guess are together now in a sense, but really dont know what to call us. i told ashley we're just dating i guess, because i don't think its official yet. it feels weird to think about brad as a boyfriend. like, really weird. its been a year since anthony, so its weird to think of me having a boyfriend again at all at this point. me and brad talked till 3:30 this morning. at one point, he said he he was bored, and he just wanted to chill. i asked him if chilling included walking to my house. he said he would. i told him not to. all the guys were still at his house after the fire because they were camping out back. i told him i didn't want him leaving my friends for me. he said that he would, and that they wouldn't care, but i told him that i did, i would feel bad, and didn't want him to do it. so he said he'd walk to my house tonight instead. so, i guess, he's coming by tonight after everyone is asleep. dons out of town till tuesday, so i don't have to worry about him. kelsey is on the other side of the house, and mom is usually out by 11 or 12. he's coming through the window tho. i had to unscrew the screen from my window because it was literally screwed into the window frame, but thats all set now, the screen is out. ill have to clean up my room today too. god, i'm actually nervous for tonight. i didn't think i had any feelings for brad, i honestly didn't. maybe i do now just because of what happened last night, which means they're false feelings, but if that were the case, would i really have had that reaction from last night? i was seriously shaking. after a while my heart caught up to me. but i really have no idea right now. i'm happy with what i don't yet know, everything seems to be going well for me lately. i really hope things last.

[junior year]

so far, the year is off to a great start. i got a 98/100 on my first physics lab. ap english isnt totally horrible. im understanding pre-calc. brads in my history class. ive been reconnected with ashley. my foot is nearly healed i think. im nearly over ryan, and im hooked on nik. im getting my hair cut after my second surgery in the spring. so much is gonna change this year, its crazy. mentally, im gonna grow up a bit. physically, my feet will be fixed, im gonna try to change my image a bit, and work on my figure, cause im still not happy with myself. thats not to say i think im fat, or ugly, but i do have some more weight to lose, and i do want some more muscle on me. ill have to rebuilt my lets after both surgeries, but ill manage.

i want this year to be the best academically, socially, and musically, if its possible for me to balance everything. but so far, i think im doing pretty well. im properly prioritized for the time being, altho im still procrastinating. ive already done 5 hours of homework in one night, and it hasnt even been 2 full weeks of school yet. i just have a really positive feeling about this year. the only thing that could possibly bring me down right now is finding out i can go to regionals and all states, because right now thats a possibility. however, cys starts this sunday, and victoria will be there, woohoo! brads having a bonfire saturday night and ashleys sleeping over after, and im going shopping for new cloths friday night.

how long can i go without screwing things up?