[Stark]

I'm in a place of such strength, but I don't feel strong at all. I feel lost. I feel pain. I feel longing and desire. I feel reckless and desperate. But I keep going. Every day I get up and I keep going and that's what makes me strong.
Over and over I choose people that aren't good for me. Over and over I self inflict pain. It's self inflicted because I know letting these people in is a bad move. I know they'll hurt me. But I do it anyway. I know I deserve better, but pain and suffering is what I know. It's familiar. It's comforting. So I don't blame myself. I know I'm responsible, but I don't regret my actions and I'm not angry at myself for feeling the way that I do. One day I'll find what's good for me. One day I'll find what's right for me. It all starts with getting away from here. Leaving everyone and everything I've ever known is the only shot I have at ever being truly happy. I am bitter and jaded and it's toxic for me to stay. There are people that I'll miss, but lately I've been questioning if they'd miss me at all. I feel very lonely these days and that's not unfamiliar to me. I'm angry with my so called friends that don't ever speak to me and I'm not sure why. It's the story of my life. I get left behind for one reason or another. Over and over again. And the time is about right. I'm about to graduate from college. Everything is about to change. Of course everyone is leaving me. The same  happened at the end of high school. But it's not because we're all going to different places. We all live in the area. They all hang out all the time. I'm just never invited. And I'm trying to be OK with that. Because if I'm not wanted, then I don't want to be there. I can make new friends. I'm starting a new job. I still have a few people that seem to have my back. But most importantly I still have my music. At the end of the day that's all that matters. That's all thats ever mattered.
I've been writing a lot. Like a shit ton. I haven't written this much since high school. But this new stuff, it has substance. It's matured. It has real meaning and feeling and emotion behind it. It's addicting. And it makes me think. I've been thinking a lot about what I've done, what I feel and what to do. It's making me stronger. Because I've decided I don't care anymore about what people have always told me and what I've always told myself. It's OK to feel heartbroken. It's OK to feel broken beyond repair. It's OK to feel like you're too damaged to ever be loved. Let those feelings out. Let them take form. Let them haunt you until you're ready to rid yourself of them. For me, let them keep me up at night until I can put them to song. Everything I think and feel has become fair game. No feelings are wrong. Anything that shows its face gets to ride itself out. There are no more rules. No more "don't do this to yourself" or "you shouldn't be feeling this way". Everything is real, everything is OK, everything will be good if I make it that way.
I have no one to talk to because right now I trust no one. And that's OK. I have my music and it speaks for itself. I'm to the point I don't explain my songs. If you hear the truth in the words I sing, good for you. If not, use your imagination, make something up. I write for me and me alone. Anything anyone else gets out of my music is their business. If it's nothing, its nothing. If its something, thats cool. But you don't need to know my personal story in order to feel something for yourself.