Falling

I'm drowning in my thoughts tonight. Crying sounds nice, but not with Megan in the room. I want to curl up with someone but my someone isn't here. I feel like I've fucked up big time, I'm so alone and can't go to anyone. I'm getting bad again. All I can do is hope things will get better because I'm losing sight of the good place I was at.

Irreplaceable

It was a sad day when I realized not everyone has a friend like Alex. Most people have that "best friend" they say they would do anything for that means everything to them and that they couldn't live without. But none of those words compare to Alex and I. I have driven to through hurricanes for this man, I've driven 15 hours straight through the night for this man. I have broken rules and gone against my parents and sacrificed relationships for him. There is not a single thing I would not do for him, and that includes putting my life on the line. I would trust him with my life, and I know he would do the same. I've given him a place to crash countless times and I've defended every ill-spoken word against him. He's the one that comes to my rescue, even when I don't need saving. He doesn't offer to beat people up for me, he offers to help me hide the bodies. He offers to take emergency leave from the Marine Corp. when I get dumped. I am one of only two people that he completely trusts in this world and one night while I was driving us home, he turned to me and admitted he's always afraid I will replace him when he's gone. He thinks he's nothing special and we will just find some other crazy son of a bitch to take his place. I nearly crashed the car. Alex is, without a doubt, THE most important person in my life. He has seen me go through everything, and though he may not always agree with my courses of action, he is the only person that has stuck by me through it all. He is the only person I don't feel the need to be territorial over, because I know I'll never lose him no matter what. I am 100% confident in my relationship with him, and that is something I have never been able to say about anyone else. He started out as my Creeper and has grown over the years into my Marine. The fact that I have told boyfriends that if they have a problem with how close Alex and I are, they can either suck it up or leave says just how important he is to me. Recently I've realized why my friendship with Alex has always seemed so different and special. And that is because it is not a friendship at all. We are not just friends, and he's not quite my brother. He is so much more, and it's time to figure out just what that means.

No Fear

Some people say opening yourself up to a new relationship is hard and scary because it's someone knew and you don't know if you can trust them. To me that's the exciting part. I like the challenge of getting to know someone, being able to read them at s glance. I don't have anything to hide after being hurt so much, so I'm not afraid of being let down. Even after I start to fall. And that's where I am right now. I'm falling. I like Erick a lot. We're getting closer. We want to talk more, see each other more. We're growing more comfortable with each other. It's been almost 3 months and things couldn't be going any better. And right now, I'm about to go to bed surrounded in his smell. And that is the next best thing to going to bed, wrapped up in his arms.

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Something New

Laying on his stomach, looking him in the eye, telling him the thoughts running through my mind. He's so innocent compared to me, he can't imagine the pain I've felt. Yet somehow he gets it. He sees right through me and can see what I need. He doesn't offer advice, he doesn't offer criticism, just understanding and support. He's a nice guy, something I'm not used to. We are what a normal relationship should be, something I never thought I would have. He makes me happy, a kind of happy I never thought I'd be.

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Calmer Waters

The past six months have been amazing for me. I've grown to be true to myself. My views on a lot of things have changed and I've learned not to let fear hold me back. I no longer fear pain in any sense. I don't fear the future, whatever happens is meant to happen. I don't compare myself as much to other girls. I say "as much" because it is human nature to compare yourself to others. However, my self worth and self esteem have been nearly completely restored, and my self image problems have dissolved to a minimum. I'm not sure they will ever completely go away, but I'm happy with myself for now, and that's what matters. I am more the person I want to be than ever before. I have grown more in the past 6 months than ever before. I am legitimately happy for the first time in years. To top it all off, I found a guy that makes me even happier. I wasn't looking, I wasn't trying, I was just fine on my own. But that's the best kind, the unexpected. He makes me melt. There is so much I could say about him, there's too much in fact, that none of it will come out.

When Broken Is Easily Fixed

I'm happy. I'm whole. I'm no longer broken like I was for a long time. I'm confident and I'm proud and I'm a better person and I like who I'm becoming. I realized another big change yesterday too. I was telling my dad about a guy I like. I described this guy, and finished it by saying "I think you'd like him." That was when I realized I'm not looking to rebel against my parents anymore. I'll still stands up for what I want and what I believe in, but I want them to be happy with me. I want them to like the next guy I bring home. I want a genuinely nice guy that will be kind to my mother and talk politics with my father, play video games with my older sister and talk about sports with my younger sister. I want someone that will fit in with my family. And that is new for me. That shows how far I've come. Oh M.E. why are you not in the place for a relationship?

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I'm Ready

I am so ready for something to ACTUALLY work out with a guy. Zach fizzled out, Erick just wanted a hookup, I'm not really just looking for fun anymore. I'm still not really looking for anything, but an actual relationship would be nice. Can a meet a guy over the summer and have things work? Is that a thing that can happen? Cause that would be great. I am ready for a relationship. Not for anything serious quite yet, but something low key that can develop into something more. Why can I not just find a nice guy? Is that really so hard? No, probably not, it's probably just not possible in the places I've been looking. I just want to get out of school, get my bar tending license, and spend my summer life guarding and pouring drinks. It really all sounds so great and I'm so ready. I'll be honest and say I'm a little nervous for bar tending, but it'll be fun. I'll make sure of it. And it will be great money and great experience. Not to mention a fantastic way to meet people. I really just want to get out and do SOMETHING. I really haven't done much this semester. Granted, I met a lot of people, and had a lot of parties, and went to a few, but I didn't actually do anything, and that needs to change. I want to do stuff. I need to find activities. That's why I'm excited to get back to work. School, hurry up and end. Nice guys, man up and show yourselves.