Lily

Chris and I have been together for over three years. I could never picture a life without him now. I knew the second we met that we were bonded for life. Our worlds shifted and everything changed but we both still had pasts and neither one of us to this day has managed to close every wound. He knows all of mine, he knows which ones are closed and which ones still reek havoc. My miscarriage was six months before we met. I forget when I told him of it the first time but it wasn't too far into the start of things. We've spoken about it a number time over the years but it's always hard. I'm defensive and emotional and quick to clam up. I feel like I've processed it and moved past it but if I were, I wouldn't get aggressive. The other night we talked about it again. I brought it up. Because I needed to know that I wasn't crazy. I saw my daughters face in a dream. She looked about the age she would be now if I'd had her. I saw us together. We were happy. An image I would've thought would be heartbreaking, seeing what I can't have, it was the complete opposite. This dream has brought me so much peace. Because in a way, she lived. She is growing up and she is happy and she is with me. Maybe not here with this version of my conscience but somewhere. With some version of me. But I still didn't have a name. It wasn't complete without the name. I told I didn't know her name, nothing sounded right. Lily. That's all he said. And he was right. Her name is Lily, she is my unborn daughter and she lives in me.

Best friends

I went out to dinner with my mom tonight. We had a nice time and talked about a ton of important stuff. As we were getting ready to leave, one oh my oldest friends called me telling me he was having a bon fire and that I should come by. I said I might and then he added that my best friend from elementary school was coming too. We hadn't been close since back then and hadn't seen or heard from each other since high school ended over 5 years ago. But that was all I needed to know. I was going. I was excited. I was more than excited. Maybe because our friendship took place at a time in my life when I was still innocent, it was one of the very few things left in my memories that hadn't been tainted by someone or something. Its still pure. And she is one of two people from my past that I can think of off the top of my head that hasn't hurt me. And so I went tonight. And it was great. I want to hang out with get again. I want to be friends again. Because this made me so happy. She has always been surrounded by such a positive energy. Can friendships that drifted apart so long ago be revived?

Victim VS Survivor

Everyone had a past, everyone has scars, everyone have stories that made them who they are. Some of us have baggage that will mean a life long struggle and some of us have learned to declutter our lives and leave that baggage behind.
Because I WAS a victim. For most of my life I was abused. In multiple ways by multiple people in multiple degrees. I didn't live through the worst case scenario but that doesn't make my past any less real. I felt what I felt, it was what it was and I'm at peace with the damage that was done. That's where you have failed. You claim I always play the victim yet I'm the one that identifies toxic behaviors and relationships and rids myself of them. I save myself from more damage. You wallow in it.
You beg the world for sympathy by putting on a false facade and parading around claiming to be strong and unscathed while putting others down. You find faults in others happiness. You try to maintain control out of fear. And the second someone calls you on your shit you try to break them. You are damaged, you are a victim, you have not yet become a survivor. Let it go.

Live With Meaning.

Beautiful things are happening, I feel them. My mind has begun to open and let the light in. The toxins have begun to wash away and I can breathe again. I can feel happy more than the pain and my mind is moving a mile a minute. I feel delicate and scared, this in between state is so very fragile. Tears are fighting their way out in the best way possible but I'm sleeping at night and that's a wonderful thing. I have a home, I have a love and both are far more than I expected to have so soon.

A Letter To Myself:

He won't be Prince Charming. He probably won't have everything together and you probably won't be ready for him. But it will terrify you even more to turn him away than the idea of being with him. You won't be expecting him because you'll have stopped looking but you won't have given up hope. He'll be everything you'll need for the rest of your life, more than you ever thought possible. But most importantly, he will love you every bit as much as you love him.

It's ok to be scared now. You have every reason to be. People are not kind, this world is not forgiving. However, you are strong and you are deserving and you will wait your turn. One day it will come and all the pain and agony will have been worth it. You'll be home, and you'll be happy, and no matter what else happens, that'll be enough.

Friendly Shadows

I hate the night. But I love it at the same time. Laying in bed, the busy road gone quite, crickets outside my window keeping me company. I see things at night. All of my demons come out to play. Sometimes so many they don't all fit in the room. But there's a bit of beauty to it that I don't always see. When the walls come down I'm alone with myself. I can feel everything I don't let myself feel. My sences become amplified. I want to cry. There is no reason for it, that I'm certain of. There is no depression lurking in the shadows of my mind tonight. Anxiety isn't at my throat, threatening to suffocate me. But I feel. I feel hands where they don't belong. But I hear. I hear harsh words being spoken, whispered, screamed into my ears. But I smell. I smell the blue axe body spray he used to wear. But I know. Everything in my head only serves as a reminder. None of it will be repeated. None of it can harm me. I find strength in the night because it reminds me of where I've come from, what I've endured and how much easier life will be from here on out and that's a thought I've never had before. I've always viewed my future to be better, different, but never easier. But it will be. Because my future gets to be what I want. That's it. Nothing else matters. And that's a beautiful thing. The night may haunt me, but it is my friend.

You Are Not What Happens To You.

Eight years ago today, I was sexually assaulted. I was taken advantage of by someone I thought I could trust. How silly of me. I was thirteen years old.
Seven years ago, I had my first flashback. I admitted to myself that it wasn't me, that it wasn't normal. What happened was real, and it is not OK. I diagnosed myself with PTSD and I told someone. I told a friend.
Four years ago, I uncovered my suppressed memories. I faced them head on and reopened all my closed wounds. I turned to my boyfriend at the time who turned out to be an abuser in his own way. He put me back together only to tear me open several times over.
Two years ago, I got drunk at a college party. A friend of a friend promised to take care of me. By that, he meant wait till I can't say no and take what no other girl would give him. He didn't get so lucky. I saw the signs and ran.
Six months ago, I realized every romantic relationship I've had has been wrong in some way. I used to believe there were things I was supposed to do in a relationship. Even if I felt uncomfortable I would tell myself that it's fine, I would get used to it. Everyone else did, right? Wrong. I always told myself that I could do much better than them, but I didn't want to. I didn't know what better could be. No one told me about the things I couldn't see.

Here I stand, eight years later, a fighter, a survivor, but not a victim. I have been though so much more than this one story. My scars run deeper than that one night on that one couch. My life is so much bigger than this story, this will not be what I am remembered for. 

This is how I will remind myself that I am more than a number, more than a story and more than a victim. In this life we choose. We decide who we are, how we live and maybe not what happens to us but we do decide how we recover, how we move on and who it makes us. 

This world is full of terrible things. There is no escaping it no matter how hard you try but I do not live in fear. 

Over the past eight years, I have overcome physical challenges and managed the pain, cast out my multiple abusers, lost countless friends and lost myself almost completely at times. Two weeks ago I graduated from college with a degree in engineering and vowed to start over. 

I am choosing to start over with a blank slate. Keeping in mind all that I've learned I will no longer let my past dictate my future. 

You are not what happens to you.

[Stark]

I'm in a place of such strength, but I don't feel strong at all. I feel lost. I feel pain. I feel longing and desire. I feel reckless and desperate. But I keep going. Every day I get up and I keep going and that's what makes me strong.
Over and over I choose people that aren't good for me. Over and over I self inflict pain. It's self inflicted because I know letting these people in is a bad move. I know they'll hurt me. But I do it anyway. I know I deserve better, but pain and suffering is what I know. It's familiar. It's comforting. So I don't blame myself. I know I'm responsible, but I don't regret my actions and I'm not angry at myself for feeling the way that I do. One day I'll find what's good for me. One day I'll find what's right for me. It all starts with getting away from here. Leaving everyone and everything I've ever known is the only shot I have at ever being truly happy. I am bitter and jaded and it's toxic for me to stay. There are people that I'll miss, but lately I've been questioning if they'd miss me at all. I feel very lonely these days and that's not unfamiliar to me. I'm angry with my so called friends that don't ever speak to me and I'm not sure why. It's the story of my life. I get left behind for one reason or another. Over and over again. And the time is about right. I'm about to graduate from college. Everything is about to change. Of course everyone is leaving me. The same  happened at the end of high school. But it's not because we're all going to different places. We all live in the area. They all hang out all the time. I'm just never invited. And I'm trying to be OK with that. Because if I'm not wanted, then I don't want to be there. I can make new friends. I'm starting a new job. I still have a few people that seem to have my back. But most importantly I still have my music. At the end of the day that's all that matters. That's all thats ever mattered.
I've been writing a lot. Like a shit ton. I haven't written this much since high school. But this new stuff, it has substance. It's matured. It has real meaning and feeling and emotion behind it. It's addicting. And it makes me think. I've been thinking a lot about what I've done, what I feel and what to do. It's making me stronger. Because I've decided I don't care anymore about what people have always told me and what I've always told myself. It's OK to feel heartbroken. It's OK to feel broken beyond repair. It's OK to feel like you're too damaged to ever be loved. Let those feelings out. Let them take form. Let them haunt you until you're ready to rid yourself of them. For me, let them keep me up at night until I can put them to song. Everything I think and feel has become fair game. No feelings are wrong. Anything that shows its face gets to ride itself out. There are no more rules. No more "don't do this to yourself" or "you shouldn't be feeling this way". Everything is real, everything is OK, everything will be good if I make it that way.
I have no one to talk to because right now I trust no one. And that's OK. I have my music and it speaks for itself. I'm to the point I don't explain my songs. If you hear the truth in the words I sing, good for you. If not, use your imagination, make something up. I write for me and me alone. Anything anyone else gets out of my music is their business. If it's nothing, its nothing. If its something, thats cool. But you don't need to know my personal story in order to feel something for yourself.

[Watch Me As I Disappear]

I'm not ready to put on a brave face
And show the world I'm OK
I'm useless, I'm empty
I'm so very far from OK
My stomach is growling
My fingers are throbbing
It makes me feel something
Because it's better than nothing
The one person that new
Shrugged it off and left
How can you save yourself
When letting go is all you know

Thanks For That

I've been abused my multiple people multiple ways. I'm no stranger to pain and I could be diagnosed with a number of mental instabilities. I constantly analyze myself and my behavior and my thoughts  and my actions and my impulses and nothing is safe. I've always assumed my self worth and self esteem issues were a result of being sexually assaulted at the age of 13. Or maybe the result of being raised by my emotionally and occasionally physically abusive alcoholic father. Chances are, both options are plausible. But tonight I realized another possible reason for why I am the way I am. My mother planted seeds in my head. When I was in middle school, she started planting seeds in my mind that there was stuff wrong with me. I had stretch marks. "You get those from gaining weight. You know those never go away." So I hide them. I started working out again. "Everyone has noticed the weight you've lost, you look good. But your legs still don't have any shape." So I never wore short shorts, only shorts that went to my knees. My mother has grown to be a very understanding and empowering woman since divorcing my father. Things were different before the separation though and I think she took her bitterness about life out on my sisters and I, though I'm not sure how they would feel about me saying that. I can't speak for them, all I know is I could've been treated better. It didn't help that I was bullied in middle school. It didn't help that I was never able to hold down a group of friends for more than a year or two. There was always some sort of falling out. I was always left behind. High school only got worse. And then I dated a guy seven years older than me. If that wasn't a cry for help, I don't know what is. But no one noticed. My parents never knew because I made it that way. All of my friends were indifferent. The ones that thought it was a bad idea kept their opinions to themselves until it was over. My insecurities stem from my abuse and were reinforced by being so alone for so long despite having people all around me. I've never had a solid place to go. I've grown accustomed to the feeling and can't imagine things ever changing. Right now, I'm ok with it. I can see myself in 5 years, happy on my own in some completely new place with new people but still on my own in the inside.

Wreckage

Nights like these kill me inside. My blood feels cold with every pump of my heart. My eyes beg to cry and my mind threatens to destroy me from the inside out. I will never get over you. I will always miss you. I will always want you back. I will always wonder if we can make things work even though I know it will never work. I'm sure you hate me these days. I wish I could say it was through no fault of my own, I know I fucked up. But I didn't deserve what you gave me. I didn't do what you think I did. I'm sure you've told people by now what you think I did. Part of me wonders what people think of me now, only I can't bring myself to care. It hurts that the false accusations now come from you though. This all started with you and I against the world, standing together to defy all the rumors and bullshit. Now you're the one slinging it. So I hurt. I deny it. I say I'm over it. I say I'm over you. It's all lies. I will never really move on from you. I hope I'm wrong in saying that, but right now I don't think I am. 

I can hear your voice tonight. I can remember words you said to me a million times. I can remember the desperation in our last first kiss, the night I made the first move, the first kiss we shared in a year. I don't believe I will ever feel that again. I don't think I would ever want to. People say that love hurts and if this is the pain they mean, I don't think I want this. I want to be naive again. Innocent. I want to rewind and make things happen the right way, and end things the right way. You've changed me in ways that can't be changed back. I will never be who I used to be because of you. I am angry because of this. Because you blame me for everything. I'm always the one doing something wrong or asking too much. I want what we had without the blame. Without the abuse. Because abuse is what it was. You know how I was raised. You know the abuse I've endured. The idea that you could do the same without even knowing makes me want to hate you. But I suppose that is partially my fault. I should've stood up for myself. I should've known better. But how should a love-struck, naive girl looking for a home know better? She has never seen better. She doesn't know there is better because it is the normal in her world. 

I know when Nick comes home there will be opportunities for us to be around each other. That's ok. And I promise I won't say a word to you. I won't look at you. I will act as though you are not there. Not because I'm afraid of you or because I'm ashamed after you but because I want nothing to do with you. I don't want to see you ever again. I never want to hear your voice again. I wish you could completely disappear. It is the only way I can see myself ever moving on. But I know that is impossible while we both still live here and have the same friends. But do me one favor because you owe me that much. Keep in mind they were my friends first. They were my friends first and they will stay loyal to me and I refuse to lose anything more to the likes of you. And one other thing, keep the new girl at bay. Fresh meat in my territory never lasts long. The boys eat quickly and aggressively and I fully intend to watch. 

The Battering Ram With A Pretty Face

Life on a Wire

Feeling you're heartbeat in your fingertips
Your jaw clenched tight, completely unnoticed
Tapping your foot, shaking your leg
Your mind can't focus, you can't breath
This is anxiety and it won't leave
Just relax, fuck yourself, that's not how it works
It's like you're falling and falling
Wondering when you'll hit the end
Certain death is coming but you can't tell when
People want to help and ask what to do
But they just add more pressure
Why can't you leave me alone
Lungs are full of water
Heads in a vice grip
Hearts gone tachycardic
Nothing else exists
The storm will break, just wait it out
You've done it before, you can do it now
Every second hurts more than the last
It'll always gets worse before it'll pass

[Rant]

Guys flirt with me all the time. I'm not being conceded or full of myself, it happens. I'm a small blonde girl, very nice and polite till you actually get to know me. Naturally I get a lot of attention, a large amount of it being unwanted. I've learned to accept it for the most part after absolutely hating it for years. However, certain things remain that piss me off. If you cat-call me to get my attention, you are automatically denied. I understand you find me attractive and you want to express that, but there are far more appropriate ways to send that message that don't include objectifying me. When I ignore you, don't get offended as if I'm required to give you some sort of response. I'm not. You're being disrespectful and deserve nothing. If you go around doing everything for me, not letting me lift a finger,  you're done. I am independent and self reliant. I will ask for your help if I need it. If not, leave me alone. I understand you're trying to be nice, but it makes me feel like a burden and as if I can't take care of myself. Which I can. Quite well actually, and I don't need you to tell me so. I know far better than you what I'm capable of. Also, compliments, while nice, are not the way to my heart. Anyone can use their words to make someone feel better about themselves. That doesn't make you special. Learn what makes me different. Put some effort into it. Try a little harder. I'm not shallow, I'm not easy, I like to make you think. I'll test you. I won't make it easy. I want to see just how far you'll go. I want to see how long it takes you to deviate from your usual pick-up lines and usual strategies to get to me. I'm a lot to hold on to and I won't make it easy. I can give you everything I am. I will offer myself to you on a silver platter. I will do whatever it takes to get you to trust me. I don't do a whole lot in the way of self preservation. I will go to the ends of the earth for the people I care about. Abuse it and you're probably done. There is one person who has bounced back from that and that is because he knows me inside and out. He doesn't push me, he knows what to do to keep from pissing me off. He knows what I like, how to keep me happy and how to talk me down. He may fuck up, he may do the things that can easily drive me away, but he knows enough of the flip side to always get me back, even when he doesn't mean to. Be that guy. Do it by accident. Find someone to care about and do everything you can for them. If you fuck up, apologize. Don't anything, just let them know you fucked up. Don't wait to be told, just do it. Be honest. Communicate. Don't be a fucking piece of shit. It's not hard. I promise you it's not. And if it is, one of you needs to grow up. It's that simple. People do change. What may be wrong now may be right later on. Follow your gut. Don't give up.

Addicted to Poison

Do you know how it feels to be so madly in love with poison? To be so madly in love with the one thing that makes you feel both alive and as though you're dying at the same time? Time and time again, you have blown me to bits and walked away as if I never mattered. And time and time again, I pulled myself back together and kept on loving you regardless of the pain. I'm in love with something so unhealthy, and that has been my entire life. But I don't want that to change. I need it to change, but I don't want it to change. I want to love you. I want to be the one thing in your life that has never left. I have done everything, given you everything, and yet nothing has changed. That's why we can't be together. Not because you've hurt me too much for me to love you. Not because I don't want to. But because I've learned some sort of self preservation. Being together won't work because nothing has changed. You will never stop pushing me away. You will never let me help you. You will only keep hurting me because in your eyes I can do better. And I know I can. I can do much better than you. But I never wanted to. But I'm trying. I'm trying because you haven't given me a choice. And now you're in pain because you regret what you've done once again. And maybe giving you distance or disappearing from your life all together would be better for you. But I don't care what's better for you because it's not what I want. You have put yourself first for so long and now I don't care about your feelings, only my own. I want you here, with me, always. One way or another, I want you as a key part of my life because you are my person. No matter how much pain you put me in, that won't change.

Falling

I'm drowning in my thoughts tonight. Crying sounds nice, but not with Megan in the room. I want to curl up with someone but my someone isn't here. I feel like I've fucked up big time, I'm so alone and can't go to anyone. I'm getting bad again. All I can do is hope things will get better because I'm losing sight of the good place I was at.

Irreplaceable

It was a sad day when I realized not everyone has a friend like Alex. Most people have that "best friend" they say they would do anything for that means everything to them and that they couldn't live without. But none of those words compare to Alex and I. I have driven to through hurricanes for this man, I've driven 15 hours straight through the night for this man. I have broken rules and gone against my parents and sacrificed relationships for him. There is not a single thing I would not do for him, and that includes putting my life on the line. I would trust him with my life, and I know he would do the same. I've given him a place to crash countless times and I've defended every ill-spoken word against him. He's the one that comes to my rescue, even when I don't need saving. He doesn't offer to beat people up for me, he offers to help me hide the bodies. He offers to take emergency leave from the Marine Corp. when I get dumped. I am one of only two people that he completely trusts in this world and one night while I was driving us home, he turned to me and admitted he's always afraid I will replace him when he's gone. He thinks he's nothing special and we will just find some other crazy son of a bitch to take his place. I nearly crashed the car. Alex is, without a doubt, THE most important person in my life. He has seen me go through everything, and though he may not always agree with my courses of action, he is the only person that has stuck by me through it all. He is the only person I don't feel the need to be territorial over, because I know I'll never lose him no matter what. I am 100% confident in my relationship with him, and that is something I have never been able to say about anyone else. He started out as my Creeper and has grown over the years into my Marine. The fact that I have told boyfriends that if they have a problem with how close Alex and I are, they can either suck it up or leave says just how important he is to me. Recently I've realized why my friendship with Alex has always seemed so different and special. And that is because it is not a friendship at all. We are not just friends, and he's not quite my brother. He is so much more, and it's time to figure out just what that means.

No Fear

Some people say opening yourself up to a new relationship is hard and scary because it's someone knew and you don't know if you can trust them. To me that's the exciting part. I like the challenge of getting to know someone, being able to read them at s glance. I don't have anything to hide after being hurt so much, so I'm not afraid of being let down. Even after I start to fall. And that's where I am right now. I'm falling. I like Erick a lot. We're getting closer. We want to talk more, see each other more. We're growing more comfortable with each other. It's been almost 3 months and things couldn't be going any better. And right now, I'm about to go to bed surrounded in his smell. And that is the next best thing to going to bed, wrapped up in his arms.

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Something New

Laying on his stomach, looking him in the eye, telling him the thoughts running through my mind. He's so innocent compared to me, he can't imagine the pain I've felt. Yet somehow he gets it. He sees right through me and can see what I need. He doesn't offer advice, he doesn't offer criticism, just understanding and support. He's a nice guy, something I'm not used to. We are what a normal relationship should be, something I never thought I would have. He makes me happy, a kind of happy I never thought I'd be.

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Calmer Waters

The past six months have been amazing for me. I've grown to be true to myself. My views on a lot of things have changed and I've learned not to let fear hold me back. I no longer fear pain in any sense. I don't fear the future, whatever happens is meant to happen. I don't compare myself as much to other girls. I say "as much" because it is human nature to compare yourself to others. However, my self worth and self esteem have been nearly completely restored, and my self image problems have dissolved to a minimum. I'm not sure they will ever completely go away, but I'm happy with myself for now, and that's what matters. I am more the person I want to be than ever before. I have grown more in the past 6 months than ever before. I am legitimately happy for the first time in years. To top it all off, I found a guy that makes me even happier. I wasn't looking, I wasn't trying, I was just fine on my own. But that's the best kind, the unexpected. He makes me melt. There is so much I could say about him, there's too much in fact, that none of it will come out.

When Broken Is Easily Fixed

I'm happy. I'm whole. I'm no longer broken like I was for a long time. I'm confident and I'm proud and I'm a better person and I like who I'm becoming. I realized another big change yesterday too. I was telling my dad about a guy I like. I described this guy, and finished it by saying "I think you'd like him." That was when I realized I'm not looking to rebel against my parents anymore. I'll still stands up for what I want and what I believe in, but I want them to be happy with me. I want them to like the next guy I bring home. I want a genuinely nice guy that will be kind to my mother and talk politics with my father, play video games with my older sister and talk about sports with my younger sister. I want someone that will fit in with my family. And that is new for me. That shows how far I've come. Oh M.E. why are you not in the place for a relationship?

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