Thanks For That

I've been abused my multiple people multiple ways. I'm no stranger to pain and I could be diagnosed with a number of mental instabilities. I constantly analyze myself and my behavior and my thoughts  and my actions and my impulses and nothing is safe. I've always assumed my self worth and self esteem issues were a result of being sexually assaulted at the age of 13. Or maybe the result of being raised by my emotionally and occasionally physically abusive alcoholic father. Chances are, both options are plausible. But tonight I realized another possible reason for why I am the way I am. My mother planted seeds in my head. When I was in middle school, she started planting seeds in my mind that there was stuff wrong with me. I had stretch marks. "You get those from gaining weight. You know those never go away." So I hide them. I started working out again. "Everyone has noticed the weight you've lost, you look good. But your legs still don't have any shape." So I never wore short shorts, only shorts that went to my knees. My mother has grown to be a very understanding and empowering woman since divorcing my father. Things were different before the separation though and I think she took her bitterness about life out on my sisters and I, though I'm not sure how they would feel about me saying that. I can't speak for them, all I know is I could've been treated better. It didn't help that I was bullied in middle school. It didn't help that I was never able to hold down a group of friends for more than a year or two. There was always some sort of falling out. I was always left behind. High school only got worse. And then I dated a guy seven years older than me. If that wasn't a cry for help, I don't know what is. But no one noticed. My parents never knew because I made it that way. All of my friends were indifferent. The ones that thought it was a bad idea kept their opinions to themselves until it was over. My insecurities stem from my abuse and were reinforced by being so alone for so long despite having people all around me. I've never had a solid place to go. I've grown accustomed to the feeling and can't imagine things ever changing. Right now, I'm ok with it. I can see myself in 5 years, happy on my own in some completely new place with new people but still on my own in the inside.

Wreckage

Nights like these kill me inside. My blood feels cold with every pump of my heart. My eyes beg to cry and my mind threatens to destroy me from the inside out. I will never get over you. I will always miss you. I will always want you back. I will always wonder if we can make things work even though I know it will never work. I'm sure you hate me these days. I wish I could say it was through no fault of my own, I know I fucked up. But I didn't deserve what you gave me. I didn't do what you think I did. I'm sure you've told people by now what you think I did. Part of me wonders what people think of me now, only I can't bring myself to care. It hurts that the false accusations now come from you though. This all started with you and I against the world, standing together to defy all the rumors and bullshit. Now you're the one slinging it. So I hurt. I deny it. I say I'm over it. I say I'm over you. It's all lies. I will never really move on from you. I hope I'm wrong in saying that, but right now I don't think I am. 

I can hear your voice tonight. I can remember words you said to me a million times. I can remember the desperation in our last first kiss, the night I made the first move, the first kiss we shared in a year. I don't believe I will ever feel that again. I don't think I would ever want to. People say that love hurts and if this is the pain they mean, I don't think I want this. I want to be naive again. Innocent. I want to rewind and make things happen the right way, and end things the right way. You've changed me in ways that can't be changed back. I will never be who I used to be because of you. I am angry because of this. Because you blame me for everything. I'm always the one doing something wrong or asking too much. I want what we had without the blame. Without the abuse. Because abuse is what it was. You know how I was raised. You know the abuse I've endured. The idea that you could do the same without even knowing makes me want to hate you. But I suppose that is partially my fault. I should've stood up for myself. I should've known better. But how should a love-struck, naive girl looking for a home know better? She has never seen better. She doesn't know there is better because it is the normal in her world. 

I know when Nick comes home there will be opportunities for us to be around each other. That's ok. And I promise I won't say a word to you. I won't look at you. I will act as though you are not there. Not because I'm afraid of you or because I'm ashamed after you but because I want nothing to do with you. I don't want to see you ever again. I never want to hear your voice again. I wish you could completely disappear. It is the only way I can see myself ever moving on. But I know that is impossible while we both still live here and have the same friends. But do me one favor because you owe me that much. Keep in mind they were my friends first. They were my friends first and they will stay loyal to me and I refuse to lose anything more to the likes of you. And one other thing, keep the new girl at bay. Fresh meat in my territory never lasts long. The boys eat quickly and aggressively and I fully intend to watch. 

The Battering Ram With A Pretty Face

Life on a Wire

Feeling you're heartbeat in your fingertips
Your jaw clenched tight, completely unnoticed
Tapping your foot, shaking your leg
Your mind can't focus, you can't breath
This is anxiety and it won't leave
Just relax, fuck yourself, that's not how it works
It's like you're falling and falling
Wondering when you'll hit the end
Certain death is coming but you can't tell when
People want to help and ask what to do
But they just add more pressure
Why can't you leave me alone
Lungs are full of water
Heads in a vice grip
Hearts gone tachycardic
Nothing else exists
The storm will break, just wait it out
You've done it before, you can do it now
Every second hurts more than the last
It'll always gets worse before it'll pass

[Rant]

Guys flirt with me all the time. I'm not being conceded or full of myself, it happens. I'm a small blonde girl, very nice and polite till you actually get to know me. Naturally I get a lot of attention, a large amount of it being unwanted. I've learned to accept it for the most part after absolutely hating it for years. However, certain things remain that piss me off. If you cat-call me to get my attention, you are automatically denied. I understand you find me attractive and you want to express that, but there are far more appropriate ways to send that message that don't include objectifying me. When I ignore you, don't get offended as if I'm required to give you some sort of response. I'm not. You're being disrespectful and deserve nothing. If you go around doing everything for me, not letting me lift a finger,  you're done. I am independent and self reliant. I will ask for your help if I need it. If not, leave me alone. I understand you're trying to be nice, but it makes me feel like a burden and as if I can't take care of myself. Which I can. Quite well actually, and I don't need you to tell me so. I know far better than you what I'm capable of. Also, compliments, while nice, are not the way to my heart. Anyone can use their words to make someone feel better about themselves. That doesn't make you special. Learn what makes me different. Put some effort into it. Try a little harder. I'm not shallow, I'm not easy, I like to make you think. I'll test you. I won't make it easy. I want to see just how far you'll go. I want to see how long it takes you to deviate from your usual pick-up lines and usual strategies to get to me. I'm a lot to hold on to and I won't make it easy. I can give you everything I am. I will offer myself to you on a silver platter. I will do whatever it takes to get you to trust me. I don't do a whole lot in the way of self preservation. I will go to the ends of the earth for the people I care about. Abuse it and you're probably done. There is one person who has bounced back from that and that is because he knows me inside and out. He doesn't push me, he knows what to do to keep from pissing me off. He knows what I like, how to keep me happy and how to talk me down. He may fuck up, he may do the things that can easily drive me away, but he knows enough of the flip side to always get me back, even when he doesn't mean to. Be that guy. Do it by accident. Find someone to care about and do everything you can for them. If you fuck up, apologize. Don't anything, just let them know you fucked up. Don't wait to be told, just do it. Be honest. Communicate. Don't be a fucking piece of shit. It's not hard. I promise you it's not. And if it is, one of you needs to grow up. It's that simple. People do change. What may be wrong now may be right later on. Follow your gut. Don't give up.

Addicted to Poison

Do you know how it feels to be so madly in love with poison? To be so madly in love with the one thing that makes you feel both alive and as though you're dying at the same time? Time and time again, you have blown me to bits and walked away as if I never mattered. And time and time again, I pulled myself back together and kept on loving you regardless of the pain. I'm in love with something so unhealthy, and that has been my entire life. But I don't want that to change. I need it to change, but I don't want it to change. I want to love you. I want to be the one thing in your life that has never left. I have done everything, given you everything, and yet nothing has changed. That's why we can't be together. Not because you've hurt me too much for me to love you. Not because I don't want to. But because I've learned some sort of self preservation. Being together won't work because nothing has changed. You will never stop pushing me away. You will never let me help you. You will only keep hurting me because in your eyes I can do better. And I know I can. I can do much better than you. But I never wanted to. But I'm trying. I'm trying because you haven't given me a choice. And now you're in pain because you regret what you've done once again. And maybe giving you distance or disappearing from your life all together would be better for you. But I don't care what's better for you because it's not what I want. You have put yourself first for so long and now I don't care about your feelings, only my own. I want you here, with me, always. One way or another, I want you as a key part of my life because you are my person. No matter how much pain you put me in, that won't change.

Falling

I'm drowning in my thoughts tonight. Crying sounds nice, but not with Megan in the room. I want to curl up with someone but my someone isn't here. I feel like I've fucked up big time, I'm so alone and can't go to anyone. I'm getting bad again. All I can do is hope things will get better because I'm losing sight of the good place I was at.

Irreplaceable

It was a sad day when I realized not everyone has a friend like Alex. Most people have that "best friend" they say they would do anything for that means everything to them and that they couldn't live without. But none of those words compare to Alex and I. I have driven to through hurricanes for this man, I've driven 15 hours straight through the night for this man. I have broken rules and gone against my parents and sacrificed relationships for him. There is not a single thing I would not do for him, and that includes putting my life on the line. I would trust him with my life, and I know he would do the same. I've given him a place to crash countless times and I've defended every ill-spoken word against him. He's the one that comes to my rescue, even when I don't need saving. He doesn't offer to beat people up for me, he offers to help me hide the bodies. He offers to take emergency leave from the Marine Corp. when I get dumped. I am one of only two people that he completely trusts in this world and one night while I was driving us home, he turned to me and admitted he's always afraid I will replace him when he's gone. He thinks he's nothing special and we will just find some other crazy son of a bitch to take his place. I nearly crashed the car. Alex is, without a doubt, THE most important person in my life. He has seen me go through everything, and though he may not always agree with my courses of action, he is the only person that has stuck by me through it all. He is the only person I don't feel the need to be territorial over, because I know I'll never lose him no matter what. I am 100% confident in my relationship with him, and that is something I have never been able to say about anyone else. He started out as my Creeper and has grown over the years into my Marine. The fact that I have told boyfriends that if they have a problem with how close Alex and I are, they can either suck it up or leave says just how important he is to me. Recently I've realized why my friendship with Alex has always seemed so different and special. And that is because it is not a friendship at all. We are not just friends, and he's not quite my brother. He is so much more, and it's time to figure out just what that means.