Thanks For That

I've been abused my multiple people multiple ways. I'm no stranger to pain and I could be diagnosed with a number of mental instabilities. I constantly analyze myself and my behavior and my thoughts  and my actions and my impulses and nothing is safe. I've always assumed my self worth and self esteem issues were a result of being sexually assaulted at the age of 13. Or maybe the result of being raised by my emotionally and occasionally physically abusive alcoholic father. Chances are, both options are plausible. But tonight I realized another possible reason for why I am the way I am. My mother planted seeds in my head. When I was in middle school, she started planting seeds in my mind that there was stuff wrong with me. I had stretch marks. "You get those from gaining weight. You know those never go away." So I hide them. I started working out again. "Everyone has noticed the weight you've lost, you look good. But your legs still don't have any shape." So I never wore short shorts, only shorts that went to my knees. My mother has grown to be a very understanding and empowering woman since divorcing my father. Things were different before the separation though and I think she took her bitterness about life out on my sisters and I, though I'm not sure how they would feel about me saying that. I can't speak for them, all I know is I could've been treated better. It didn't help that I was bullied in middle school. It didn't help that I was never able to hold down a group of friends for more than a year or two. There was always some sort of falling out. I was always left behind. High school only got worse. And then I dated a guy seven years older than me. If that wasn't a cry for help, I don't know what is. But no one noticed. My parents never knew because I made it that way. All of my friends were indifferent. The ones that thought it was a bad idea kept their opinions to themselves until it was over. My insecurities stem from my abuse and were reinforced by being so alone for so long despite having people all around me. I've never had a solid place to go. I've grown accustomed to the feeling and can't imagine things ever changing. Right now, I'm ok with it. I can see myself in 5 years, happy on my own in some completely new place with new people but still on my own in the inside.