Nights like these kill me inside. My blood feels cold with every pump of my heart. My eyes beg to cry and my mind threatens to destroy me from the inside out. I will never get over you. I will always miss you. I will always want you back. I will always wonder if we can make things work even though I know it will never work. I'm sure you hate me these days. I wish I could say it was through no fault of my own, I know I fucked up. But I didn't deserve what you gave me. I didn't do what you think I did. I'm sure you've told people by now what you think I did. Part of me wonders what people think of me now, only I can't bring myself to care. It hurts that the false accusations now come from you though. This all started with you and I against the world, standing together to defy all the rumors and bullshit. Now you're the one slinging it. So I hurt. I deny it. I say I'm over it. I say I'm over you. It's all lies. I will never really move on from you. I hope I'm wrong in saying that, but right now I don't think I am.
I can hear your voice tonight. I can remember words you said to me a million times. I can remember the desperation in our last first kiss, the night I made the first move, the first kiss we shared in a year. I don't believe I will ever feel that again. I don't think I would ever want to. People say that love hurts and if this is the pain they mean, I don't think I want this. I want to be naive again. Innocent. I want to rewind and make things happen the right way, and end things the right way. You've changed me in ways that can't be changed back. I will never be who I used to be because of you. I am angry because of this. Because you blame me for everything. I'm always the one doing something wrong or asking too much. I want what we had without the blame. Without the abuse. Because abuse is what it was. You know how I was raised. You know the abuse I've endured. The idea that you could do the same without even knowing makes me want to hate you. But I suppose that is partially my fault. I should've stood up for myself. I should've known better. But how should a love-struck, naive girl looking for a home know better? She has never seen better. She doesn't know there is better because it is the normal in her world.
I know when Nick comes home there will be opportunities for us to be around each other. That's ok. And I promise I won't say a word to you. I won't look at you. I will act as though you are not there. Not because I'm afraid of you or because I'm ashamed after you but because I want nothing to do with you. I don't want to see you ever again. I never want to hear your voice again. I wish you could completely disappear. It is the only way I can see myself ever moving on. But I know that is impossible while we both still live here and have the same friends. But do me one favor because you owe me that much. Keep in mind they were my friends first. They were my friends first and they will stay loyal to me and I refuse to lose anything more to the likes of you. And one other thing, keep the new girl at bay. Fresh meat in my territory never lasts long. The boys eat quickly and aggressively and I fully intend to watch.
The Battering Ram With A Pretty Face
