Frustration

It's annoying because it's like he doesn't care if he sees me. It's like he would rather hang out with the friends he sees almost every day instead of me he sees once or twice a week. I come home from school for him, so why do I not see him? Good thing I'm not coming home next weekend. I wonder if he will miss me. Probably not. I guess I'll just text him less. If he doesn't care, why should I? I'm trying really hard not to feel the way I do, I really am, but I can't help it.

Survivor

I know what it is. I know why I've been so irritated lately. It's because of my head. Ever since I wrote that letter to Ryan, I've been stuck in my head, in that part of my head. I've been stuck on Mike. I've torn myself open and I'm letting parts of me see light for the first time ever. I'm very raw right now, and I'm learning how to deal with the things I'm finding. And its like my safety isn't even there. And that's my fault. I haven't really told him what's going on, and that's because I'm not fully aware myself. After Mike did what he did, I built up walls. I locked myself out. I decided to only see certain parts of myself. But now everything is out in the open, all at once. I'm not scared, I'm not overwhelmed, but it is a lot, and I am learning. It feels amazing. I can breathe. I can think. I can feel a sense of happy I don't remember ever feeling because its been so long. I'm seeing myself in a new way. Things I didn't like before I don't mind now. Things I didn't notice before I'm having a problem with now. But I'm finding it easier to change into what I want to be, because I really know what I am. I feel in control. But I'm easily irritated because I'm focused on what's going on in my head and not so much what's going on in reality. Reality is more stressful than my head for once. But I'm figuring it out. Maybe if Ryan decides to talk to me I'll explain this to him. But he is a grumpy little asshole when he's sick, so who knows what will happen.