I was doing so well. I'd gotten over all of it, I had made so much progress. I though there was nothing left to deal with but the scar. But this would explain why I still have such a problem looking at him, dealing with him at all.
I was with Ryan tonight, and we were curled up in his bed as usual. His phone went off in his pocket, but he couldn't get to it cause I was in the way, and I said I wasn't going into his pocket, that close to him, if you get what I mean. he asked why not, why its such a big deal. I couldn't give him a reason, I just knew it was. He kept pushing, just wanting to know. It's not like he wanted me to, he just wanted to understand. But suddenly something clicked in my head and all I could see was this clip from 4 years ago, that I hadn't seen since. The last part of that night that I'd blocked out.
I was sitting on His couch. We had been making out. We had stopped cause he was getting tot excited from it. So excited he had gotten hard. He grabbed my hands, trying to make me touch him. To feel him. I remember pulling away. Him begging for it. Me fighting, saying no, trying to pull away. I can remember it all so clearly now. It was after that that the worst part happened.
I answered Ryan's question. I said it had to do with Mike, it was something I'd never told anyone, something I'd blocked out. Right away he tried to drop it, saying I didn't have to tell him, he shouldn't have asked. I told him anyway. I said he'd tried to force me to touch him. That was all I had to say before Ryan had his arms rapped around me so tight I couldn't have gotten free if I wanted to. He kissed the top of my head. He rocked me back and forth saying he was sorry for asking, sorry for what happened. I was almost crying.
What I uncovered about that night today isn't as bad as what I already remembered, but I guess my mind didn't know how to process it. I was 12 when it all happened, so I guess being pinned and violated was easier for me to deal with than being forced to touch someone else. I really have no clue, but in a way, it explains a lot. I never fully got over Mike, and now I know why. Now I just need to figure out how to deal with what I've remembered.
