[Lightweight]

I've found a sense of weightlessness. I float through the day with only one goal: survive. I have 13 days of classes left in high school. Then two exams, and graduation a week later. I have straight A's for the first time ever, and drama is still trying to eat me alive. Yet I still feel that sense of weightlessness. I haven't been lucky, I don't believe in luck. I've just been due for some good after a year of bad. Parents separating, losing all my friends, including the guy I've been in love with for 2 years, lost my band, got into a relationship with a guy 7 years older than me and stuck with it out of fear of losing the band. But through it all, I've learned a lot. I've learned how to trust. I've learned how to stay strong. I've learned to do the right thing even when it ends up making me alone. But most importantly, I've learned how to be honest with myself. I've been in denial about a lot of things. I've always tried to hide certain things, act like they're not there, and just keep doing what I think I'm supposed to do. Because of everything I went through, I had nothing left to lose by the end of it all. I had a boyfriend I didn't want, a band that wouldn't go anywhere (but I was in denial about it), and no friends with a broken family. I was a basket case emotionally and it drove me to therapy. One day I had a weak moment. I sent an email to the guy I love, the one who I had lost via high school drama. I sent him this message asking what happened, what was different, and all that. I told him I had had the shit kicked out of me, I was miserable, and I had nothing left to lose, so I wouldn't hold back. I said I missed him. I missed my best friend and the guy who was always there for me. I said a lot in that message, and it felt damn good. It was the most open I've ever been. Because it was 100% the truth. And now nearly 4 months later, I couldn't be much happier with myself. I am now with this guy, the guy I love, and I know for a fact I'm in love with him, because even all the things I get mad at him for, or the things I don't like, when I think about all of him, I smile, I get butterflies. There isn't a single thing I would change about him, for any reason. He's my best friend, and the love of my life, and I've cried over him because he makes me so happy. My parents are stable too. My dad had cancer, and went through radiation, and now he's good, my mom's good, just still her crazy self. But my favorite part of it all is high school is over in a month. My 'friends' lie to me all the time, and I don't know who to actually care about, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. In a few months, I'll be in a new place with new people and I won't ever look back. This weightlessness takes over, and I float through the days, knowing I'll survive. I'm in the best state I've ever been, and I feel as though I'll never fall back into that dark place as long as I have him by my side every step of the way.

[Unburied]

I was doing so well. I'd gotten over all of it, I had made so much progress. I though there was nothing left to deal with but the scar. But this would explain why I still have such a problem looking at him, dealing with him at all.
I was with Ryan tonight, and we were curled up in his bed as usual. His phone went off in his pocket, but he couldn't get to it cause I was in the way, and I said I wasn't going into his pocket, that close to him, if you get what I mean. he asked why not, why its such a big deal. I couldn't give him a reason, I just knew it was. He kept pushing, just wanting to know. It's not like he wanted me to, he just wanted to understand. But suddenly something clicked in my head and all I could see was this clip from 4 years ago, that I hadn't seen since. The last part of that night that I'd blocked out.
I was sitting on His couch. We had been making out. We had stopped cause he was getting tot excited from it. So excited he had gotten hard. He grabbed my hands, trying to make me touch him. To feel him. I remember pulling away. Him begging for it. Me fighting, saying no, trying to pull away. I can remember it all so clearly now. It was after that that the worst part happened.
I answered Ryan's question. I said it had to do with Mike, it was something I'd never told anyone, something I'd blocked out. Right away he tried to drop it, saying I didn't have to tell him, he shouldn't have asked. I told him anyway. I said he'd tried to force me to touch him. That was all I had to say before Ryan had his arms rapped around me so tight I couldn't have gotten free if I wanted to. He kissed the top of my head. He rocked me back and forth saying he was sorry for asking, sorry for what happened. I was almost crying.
What I uncovered about that night today isn't as bad as what I already remembered, but I guess my mind didn't know how to process it. I was 12 when it all happened, so I guess being pinned and violated was easier for me to deal with than being forced to touch someone else. I really have no clue, but in a way, it explains a lot. I never fully got over Mike, and now I know why. Now I just need to figure out how to deal with what I've remembered.

[Gimpy]

I'm talking to Ryan again. I sent him an email, saying exactly how I feel, asking what happened last year, letting know how fucked up I am right now, all of it. He keeps saying he's sorry for what he did. Things are going really well. He really is sorry, and he really does care, but there's more to it than that. He still likes me.

when ever I manage to see ur face, I look in your to see hurt and disgrace, of people picking up and throwing you down, like a broken doll with no heart to be found, but just no that there is someone that hasn't been around, that's watched all the fire burn your world down, and they knew they could do something but had no idea what cause they were part of the problem right from the start, and again and again they wish they could go back, way befor the mess that they shot into your chest, changing the way everything began, not just stopping it but putting to an end

That was his facebook status last night. I asked him about it today, and he didn't explain, he wanted to know why I was asking. I told him I thought he was hiding something, and I wanted to know what. He won't tell me till the time is right, and hes absolutely certain of what will happen after. Which tells me he still likes me and wants to tell me. Add another problem to my list.