Monster In The Closet

He harassed me in elementary school so I beat him up. We dated and he broke up with me. I relied on him, and he stabbed me in the back. I've forgiven him, but not because I wanted to. I've known him since first grade. We're in twelfth now. I've known him throughout my entire schooling career, and no matter what he does, or how hard I try, I just can't walk away. It doesn't even hurt anymore. I know one day we will stop talking, I know that sooner or later, there will be no more coming back to him. I'm not even sure if he cares much any more. But letting go of someone you've known nearly all your life is a hard thing to do. True, he doesn't even know my darkest secret, but he knows everything else.

So much has happened in the last year. We dated, He dated one of my best friends, he nearly dated my other best friend. That one friend convinced him and the rest of them to stab me in the back. Now, all is forgiven, simply because I just can't care any more. High School is high school. Afterwards, you meet new people and forget those you knew. He is my Monster in the Closet. Losing him forever scares me, because he has been a constant that just keeps coming back which is more than I can say for anyone else. He's dating one of my new close friends as of yesterday. He's having a party at his house on saturday that I wasn't invited to, but she wants me to go because she isn't comfortable with anyone else. He says I can, but I plan on pulling him aside and asking if it's really ok that I'm there. Things still aren't the same after last year. At first, I was planning on not even trying, but I miss it now. I want that friendship back. I'm prepared to hear that he doesn't want to get back to that, that it is awkward and weird having me there. I'm ready to hear it all, expecting it even. But I'm also hoping to have him say he wants to be that close again. I want to be that person he can count on no matter what. But he's always chosen someone else. Catalina, Ashley, and now Olivia. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'll ask him that too. It's not like I have anything to lose. I love being able to say that, because for once, I really don't care, because it's really true. I've lost them all once, I can totally do it again.